Saturday, December 29, 2012
Friday, December 7, 2012
I Have a Diagnosis
Since I started this blog, I've tried to start a post to explain my diagnosis. It's always way too long though or I get frustrated and delete it. Someone asked me a question about my diagnosis on a debate page though, and I think I was able to sum it up pretty easily. So I'm going to share it here and maybe it will finally explain (at least a little bit) my diagnosis.
I was diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) in the fall of 2010. I don't recall what exactly made me realize, "OK, it's time to say something to someone". It had been a long, bumpy road though. I almost died the day after our 3rd child was born due to freak complications from a tubal ligation. No, not complications - more like a screw up. The doctor tied and cut an artery instead of my fallopian tube. He sewed me up and sent me to recovery without realizing his mistake. I started to bleed out and.... well, let's just say that they prepped my husband and family for the worst.
Anyway, that incident was in 2007. For three years, I was just in this haze. I resented our son, I felt like God was punishing me because I spent the whole third pregnancy not wanting it, I was very disconnected from our son and I started to drift away from the responsibilities of being a parent. I just didn't like my life anymore. I kept it bottled up though. Never told anyone. Finally, one day a friend told me to call Military OneSource (a resource center for military and their dependents). So I did, just to talk to someone. I burst into tears (the first time ever) as I told them what had happened to me. I was in counseling the next day and diagnosed with PTSD two weeks later. I stayed in counseling (one session a week) for almost a year. It helped A LOT and helped me get a firm grasp on things again.
I'm now back to loving life as a mother and as a human being as a whole. I know now that I AM worthy of living and I AM worthy of being a mother to these three beautiful children; which is what I felt I wasn't worthy of and the reason I almost died that day. I can now separate irrational thoughts, like that one, from rational ones. The irrational ones still pop into my head quite often, but I can dismiss them away more easily now.
The worst part for me is that you're never "cured" of anxiety and depression disorders. I will battle with it forever. Most days, I completely manage it. Other days, it's too much and I have to find other techniques to remove myself from situations. You definitely learn to manage and control things though. It's a glimmer of hope and what I strive for on the daily.
I was diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) in the fall of 2010. I don't recall what exactly made me realize, "OK, it's time to say something to someone". It had been a long, bumpy road though. I almost died the day after our 3rd child was born due to freak complications from a tubal ligation. No, not complications - more like a screw up. The doctor tied and cut an artery instead of my fallopian tube. He sewed me up and sent me to recovery without realizing his mistake. I started to bleed out and.... well, let's just say that they prepped my husband and family for the worst.
Anyway, that incident was in 2007. For three years, I was just in this haze. I resented our son, I felt like God was punishing me because I spent the whole third pregnancy not wanting it, I was very disconnected from our son and I started to drift away from the responsibilities of being a parent. I just didn't like my life anymore. I kept it bottled up though. Never told anyone. Finally, one day a friend told me to call Military OneSource (a resource center for military and their dependents). So I did, just to talk to someone. I burst into tears (the first time ever) as I told them what had happened to me. I was in counseling the next day and diagnosed with PTSD two weeks later. I stayed in counseling (one session a week) for almost a year. It helped A LOT and helped me get a firm grasp on things again.
I'm now back to loving life as a mother and as a human being as a whole. I know now that I AM worthy of living and I AM worthy of being a mother to these three beautiful children; which is what I felt I wasn't worthy of and the reason I almost died that day. I can now separate irrational thoughts, like that one, from rational ones. The irrational ones still pop into my head quite often, but I can dismiss them away more easily now.
The worst part for me is that you're never "cured" of anxiety and depression disorders. I will battle with it forever. Most days, I completely manage it. Other days, it's too much and I have to find other techniques to remove myself from situations. You definitely learn to manage and control things though. It's a glimmer of hope and what I strive for on the daily.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Blessing of Friendships: Past and Present
I still stay connected with "friends from high school", but to say with confidence that they are my friends? With great sadness I have to confess that no, we're not. We've all drifted apart and moved on to different life paths. Which is completely okay and wonderful in it's own right, it just sucks sometimes that I didn't take full advantage of building good, healthy, strong relationships when I was younger. I was just never socially mature enough in my youth to create those life-long friendships. I didn't understand the importance nor appreciate the affect it would have in the long run.
Now, don't misunderstand me. I'm certainly not old. Even when I was a child, I don't recall thinking 30 was old (I'm not 30 yet though! That's next year!). So I'm still in my realm of "youthfulness". Thank the Lord that I've matured and grown over the years though and have learned how to grow and embrace healthy, happy, strong friendships. I'm even happy to report, and maybe gloat a little, that I have several wonderful women that I get to call true friends. Women that I'm so thankful for and am blessed daily to have them in my life.
My friends are those kind of people that will call me on my bullcrap and, after the tongue lashing, buy me a Dr Pepper and chat it up about what we're going to do next weekend. My friends are the kind of women that aren't afraid to cry and wouldn't hesitate to hold my hand when I cry. My friends are those kinds of friends that I can talk to anything about. We can discuss our differing views on religion, debate our political views, laugh at how bizarre some fashions are, joke about 'when we were younger' and indulge in personal information about our love lives. All with complete confidence that it would never leave the confines of our little friendship bubble.
On one hand, it breaks my heart that I didn't create nor understand the importance of having that kind of connection when I was younger. I sometimes mourn for those friendships lost, but also count my blessings that at least I had them for a little while. But on the other hand, I count my blessings daily that not only do I understand it all now, but am blessed enough to have true friendship that I know will last a lifetime.
I love you all. You know who you are.
Now, don't misunderstand me. I'm certainly not old. Even when I was a child, I don't recall thinking 30 was old (I'm not 30 yet though! That's next year!). So I'm still in my realm of "youthfulness". Thank the Lord that I've matured and grown over the years though and have learned how to grow and embrace healthy, happy, strong friendships. I'm even happy to report, and maybe gloat a little, that I have several wonderful women that I get to call true friends. Women that I'm so thankful for and am blessed daily to have them in my life.
My friends are those kind of people that will call me on my bullcrap and, after the tongue lashing, buy me a Dr Pepper and chat it up about what we're going to do next weekend. My friends are the kind of women that aren't afraid to cry and wouldn't hesitate to hold my hand when I cry. My friends are those kinds of friends that I can talk to anything about. We can discuss our differing views on religion, debate our political views, laugh at how bizarre some fashions are, joke about 'when we were younger' and indulge in personal information about our love lives. All with complete confidence that it would never leave the confines of our little friendship bubble.
On one hand, it breaks my heart that I didn't create nor understand the importance of having that kind of connection when I was younger. I sometimes mourn for those friendships lost, but also count my blessings that at least I had them for a little while. But on the other hand, I count my blessings daily that not only do I understand it all now, but am blessed enough to have true friendship that I know will last a lifetime.
I love you all. You know who you are.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Does Life Go On?
A series of really tragic events within our local community has me thinking about my own tragic events within my life. Correction, our lives. Because when something tragic happens, it affects a whole circle of people, not just one. It has me wondering, does life truly go on? Or does it just come to an awkward stand still and everything else starts to revolve around that incident instead? Most days, I feel like life truly does go on. Other days though...... not so much. I don't know if I've mentioned it in this blog before, but I have PTSD. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Something you usually associate with a soldier returning from war, but in my case, it was a medical traumatic experience. A 'routine procedure' gone terribly wrong. Proof positive for me that "routine" in life is never really routine. Anything can happen at any moment to change our lives forever.
When I start sitting around contemplating "life" and how it progresses, I find myself hitting these little walls. Not walls so high that I can't get over them, but definitely hurdles in my everyday life. The thing I struggle most with my PTSD is that it's never cured. You never stop having PTSD. Some people cope really well and can usually maintain control of their thoughts/feelings while other people don't do as well. I'm lucky that I'm generally the former. With all that's been happening lately, all the loss of lives far too soon, I can't help but hit one of those walls though. This go around, it's the anger and the inability to understand why it happens to one person and not the next.
Why did I survive? Why do others not survive when they have just as much right to live as I do? Why did my husband have to go through the experience of almost losing his wife and mother of his children? My heart aches the most when I think of how he must have felt during that whole ordeal. How do you walk into a room and see hundreds of tubes and wires coming out of the person you love the most while the medical staff is telling you to prepare yourself for the worst? I just go back and forth in my head. It's not fair. It's not right. Life goes on, but it's so much different than before. I guess it's a new kind of life. I appreciate things more now. But in that same line of thought, I worry more too. "Worse Case Scenario" happened to me. I can't explain things away with, "Well, the likelihood of that happening is practically non-existent". That 0.05% chance of something bad happening happened to me! How do you go on with life always wondering what you could have done differently or waiting for that next bad thing to happen? I wish I had the exact answer, but somehow...... you just do. For as long as I'm still alive, life quite literally goes on. I just have to remind myself, more often than I like to admit, that I have to make the best of it rather than be consumed by the things I cannot change. Does my life sometimes stand still and revolve around the memories of that day? Yes. I always snap out of it though and keep moving forward. For as long as I'm able to keep doing that; Life Goes On.
When I start sitting around contemplating "life" and how it progresses, I find myself hitting these little walls. Not walls so high that I can't get over them, but definitely hurdles in my everyday life. The thing I struggle most with my PTSD is that it's never cured. You never stop having PTSD. Some people cope really well and can usually maintain control of their thoughts/feelings while other people don't do as well. I'm lucky that I'm generally the former. With all that's been happening lately, all the loss of lives far too soon, I can't help but hit one of those walls though. This go around, it's the anger and the inability to understand why it happens to one person and not the next.
Why did I survive? Why do others not survive when they have just as much right to live as I do? Why did my husband have to go through the experience of almost losing his wife and mother of his children? My heart aches the most when I think of how he must have felt during that whole ordeal. How do you walk into a room and see hundreds of tubes and wires coming out of the person you love the most while the medical staff is telling you to prepare yourself for the worst? I just go back and forth in my head. It's not fair. It's not right. Life goes on, but it's so much different than before. I guess it's a new kind of life. I appreciate things more now. But in that same line of thought, I worry more too. "Worse Case Scenario" happened to me. I can't explain things away with, "Well, the likelihood of that happening is practically non-existent". That 0.05% chance of something bad happening happened to me! How do you go on with life always wondering what you could have done differently or waiting for that next bad thing to happen? I wish I had the exact answer, but somehow...... you just do. For as long as I'm still alive, life quite literally goes on. I just have to remind myself, more often than I like to admit, that I have to make the best of it rather than be consumed by the things I cannot change. Does my life sometimes stand still and revolve around the memories of that day? Yes. I always snap out of it though and keep moving forward. For as long as I'm able to keep doing that; Life Goes On.
Monday, July 23, 2012
What Defines You?
Every now and again, that timeless ice breaker conversation pops up. "Who are you? What defines you as a person?" There's the average, go-to answers: I'm a wife, a mom, a good friend, etc. And I am all of those things, per titles given to me, but is it really what defines who I am as a person? I'm a good friend, but why am I good friend? I'm a mom, but what kind of mom? I'm married, but how do I make my marriage work? I feel like the answers to those questions offer up more of a clearer picture of what truly defines me.
I'm optimistic, loving, patient, kind, understanding, compassionate and open-minded. I love Jesus and try to live my life the way He would want me to live it, but I fail miserably and often. I'm passionate, opinionated, shy, old-fashioned and motherly. I'm socially awkward and don't feel like I fit in, but very friendly and polite. I'm silly, funny and smart. I stutter when I'm nervous, uncomfortable or overwhelmed. I snort when I laugh really hard.
I love my husband. I love that people gasp when they learn about how young we were when we married and how long we've been happily together. I love that people smile when we tell them about our old-fashioned views on marriage and love. I adore the way he drives me insane but makes me so happy within the same moment. I love the way he makes me laugh when all I wanna do is be upset. And the way that he stands beside me even when I'm in the wrong..... melts a girls heart. I love that he's an old-fashioned gentleman with real manners; and not just because that's what he was taught, but because that's what he truly believes is right.
I love my children. I love the adventure of being a parent. I love that you can make mistakes and keep moving forward; sometimes learning and growing more from the mistakes than from the things that just come naturally. I love that when I'm away from them, I want nothing more than to hear about their day or to watch them interact with their friends. I love that when I'm with them, they smother me with so much affection and love that I'm overwhelmed by it. I love that their smile and their laugh can make me happier than anything else on this planet.
What defines me? It's not that I'm a wife or a mother. It's not my job and it's not who I associate with. What defines me is how I live each day within those titles and within my life. I was Glenna long before I was a mother or a wife. Those things are certainly a part of me and helped me to evolve from a young girl to a strong woman. But at the core of it all, I'm still me and I am what defines all of those things; not the other way around. And I'm happy with that.
I'm optimistic, loving, patient, kind, understanding, compassionate and open-minded. I love Jesus and try to live my life the way He would want me to live it, but I fail miserably and often. I'm passionate, opinionated, shy, old-fashioned and motherly. I'm socially awkward and don't feel like I fit in, but very friendly and polite. I'm silly, funny and smart. I stutter when I'm nervous, uncomfortable or overwhelmed. I snort when I laugh really hard.
I love my husband. I love that people gasp when they learn about how young we were when we married and how long we've been happily together. I love that people smile when we tell them about our old-fashioned views on marriage and love. I adore the way he drives me insane but makes me so happy within the same moment. I love the way he makes me laugh when all I wanna do is be upset. And the way that he stands beside me even when I'm in the wrong..... melts a girls heart. I love that he's an old-fashioned gentleman with real manners; and not just because that's what he was taught, but because that's what he truly believes is right.
I love my children. I love the adventure of being a parent. I love that you can make mistakes and keep moving forward; sometimes learning and growing more from the mistakes than from the things that just come naturally. I love that when I'm away from them, I want nothing more than to hear about their day or to watch them interact with their friends. I love that when I'm with them, they smother me with so much affection and love that I'm overwhelmed by it. I love that their smile and their laugh can make me happier than anything else on this planet.
What defines me? It's not that I'm a wife or a mother. It's not my job and it's not who I associate with. What defines me is how I live each day within those titles and within my life. I was Glenna long before I was a mother or a wife. Those things are certainly a part of me and helped me to evolve from a young girl to a strong woman. But at the core of it all, I'm still me and I am what defines all of those things; not the other way around. And I'm happy with that.
Friday, June 29, 2012
Defining Optimism
I don't think I really need to add much more to that. Wanna know why I'm an optimist (outside of my religious views)? Here ya go. Even in the worst of worsts, even when I'm so stressed that I think my head will explode, and even when I'm so angry that I want to shut the whole world out..... this will ALWAYS be true for me. I may not always feel like I'm doing super great, but I'm always abundantly blessed.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Life Lessons
Sometimes I wonder when our luck is going to run out. Really, really bad things that completely crush some people/families keep happening to us..... but we keep coming out the other side. I'm understanding that luck simply has nothing to do with it.
I've come to the realization that all of these "bad things" aren't really bad things. They are simply life. Life happens all day, every day, all around us. Whether we're expecting it or not. Things change and we go through experiences because nothing ever gets accomplished and no one ever grows/learns if everything just stays the same all the time.
I worried and stressed about Billy losing his job. I don't know how we made it through 4-ish months of unemployment and living on my small income, but we did. It wasn't luck though. It was God's grace. We went through that to learn to be faithful in God's promises. He says He'll provide..... and He did. Why was I so worried and scared through all of that? Because I wasn't as faithful as I should be. Then all of this nonsense with the van. Why was I so scared and stressed? Because I still wasn't being as faithful as I should be. The vehicle is up and running though and I have this visual picture of God saying, "See? Do you get it now? It's all gonna be fine. Learn to trust that!"
As with most things in life though, the only way to truly learn and understand something is to experience it. So all of these "bad things" are simply life lessons. Reassurance that even when everything is bad (which is just a part of life), everything will be good. Because God is good. That which does not kill us will only make us stronger. Not a biblical quote, but pertains just as much as anything else. The things we have gone through over the last several years has nothing to do with punishment or God testing us, it has to do with life lessons. Or, at least, that's how I interpret it. Life is short and life is good, so why worry about the small stuff? God can and will fulfill His promises to provide if I can just get it through my thick skull.
“If life were stable, I'd never need God's help.”
― Francis Chan
I've come to the realization that all of these "bad things" aren't really bad things. They are simply life. Life happens all day, every day, all around us. Whether we're expecting it or not. Things change and we go through experiences because nothing ever gets accomplished and no one ever grows/learns if everything just stays the same all the time.
I worried and stressed about Billy losing his job. I don't know how we made it through 4-ish months of unemployment and living on my small income, but we did. It wasn't luck though. It was God's grace. We went through that to learn to be faithful in God's promises. He says He'll provide..... and He did. Why was I so worried and scared through all of that? Because I wasn't as faithful as I should be. Then all of this nonsense with the van. Why was I so scared and stressed? Because I still wasn't being as faithful as I should be. The vehicle is up and running though and I have this visual picture of God saying, "See? Do you get it now? It's all gonna be fine. Learn to trust that!"
As with most things in life though, the only way to truly learn and understand something is to experience it. So all of these "bad things" are simply life lessons. Reassurance that even when everything is bad (which is just a part of life), everything will be good. Because God is good. That which does not kill us will only make us stronger. Not a biblical quote, but pertains just as much as anything else. The things we have gone through over the last several years has nothing to do with punishment or God testing us, it has to do with life lessons. Or, at least, that's how I interpret it. Life is short and life is good, so why worry about the small stuff? God can and will fulfill His promises to provide if I can just get it through my thick skull.
“If life were stable, I'd never need God's help.”
― Francis Chan
Monday, June 11, 2012
Scariest Night of My Life...... so far
It was almost 9:00 pm and we were all winding down for the night. The kids, as usual, were just as rambunctious as they were at 9:00 am though. I was in the bedroom and Billy was in the kitchen. The kids were in their room horse playing on the top bunk bed for those last few final minutes before we were gonna shoo them off to sleep. All of the sudden, we heard a loud *thud* and a blood curdling scream like I've never heard come out of our children before. I flew through my bedroom and into the hallway about the same time that Billy came running down the hallway. All I saw was Gabe (our eldest) holding his arm at the elbow and his forearm resembling the shape of a Z.
Billy grabbed him and held his arm against his body while I shut myself in the bedroom and dialed 911. I couldn't even look at it, it was so terrible looking. Other than the initial scream though, Gabe was as cool as a cucumber. Shock, I'm sure, but his only request was that he not look at it. I gave the 911 operator our information and headed outside to flag down the ambulance. I could hear them in the distance as I got to the curb.
EMS and Firefighters arrived (at the delight of Brayden, our youngest) and put a cardboard box/splint around the break and carried Gabe to the ambulance. In hindsight, we probably could have driven him ourselves, but it was the craziest thing we'd ever seen and I wasn't too keen on the idea of just casually driving to the hospital and sitting in the waiting room. Ambulance was the most direct route. And it worked. Brayden stayed on the couch ooo-ing and aww-ing at all the lights from the emergency vehicles and Alyssa (our daughter, middle child) was in tears because she was scared and upset. They were also both terrified that they were in TONS of trouble since they were the ones to push him off the bunk bed. It was an accident though, so they got nothing more than a stern talking to.
The hospital went pretty smoothly. We went straight back of course and he was evaluated pretty quickly. Although I did have to roll my eyes at the nurse that asked me, "So when did the symptoms start?" "Uh, when he hit the floor and his bones broke!" She wasn't impressed with my tone nor my answer. I was frazzled though, so I blame my attitude on that.
After some morphine and x-rays, they saw that he had broken both bones in the forearm. One a few inches above the wrist and the other a couple inches above that. A 'very common break', or so I was told. They decided to repair the break with a bier block and manual manipulation of the bones. I had to leave the room because I couldn't watch my little guy go through all that, but everyone said he did pretty good. He hollered and yelled, but I would too if you were shoving my broken bones back together. I don't care how much pain killers I had in me. He's currently in a splint and goes back tomorrow for his appointment with the orthopedic doctor. Hopefully to get his hard cast on. I'll feel MUCH better when he has his hard cast on.
I don't ever want to have to see any of my babies in pain like that again. It was the worst, scariest night of my life..... so far. My poor kids (especially the boys) are accident prone though. I'm sure this won't be the last time we see the inside of the emergency room, but I sure hope it's the last time for quite awhile.
Billy grabbed him and held his arm against his body while I shut myself in the bedroom and dialed 911. I couldn't even look at it, it was so terrible looking. Other than the initial scream though, Gabe was as cool as a cucumber. Shock, I'm sure, but his only request was that he not look at it. I gave the 911 operator our information and headed outside to flag down the ambulance. I could hear them in the distance as I got to the curb.
EMS and Firefighters arrived (at the delight of Brayden, our youngest) and put a cardboard box/splint around the break and carried Gabe to the ambulance. In hindsight, we probably could have driven him ourselves, but it was the craziest thing we'd ever seen and I wasn't too keen on the idea of just casually driving to the hospital and sitting in the waiting room. Ambulance was the most direct route. And it worked. Brayden stayed on the couch ooo-ing and aww-ing at all the lights from the emergency vehicles and Alyssa (our daughter, middle child) was in tears because she was scared and upset. They were also both terrified that they were in TONS of trouble since they were the ones to push him off the bunk bed. It was an accident though, so they got nothing more than a stern talking to.
The hospital went pretty smoothly. We went straight back of course and he was evaluated pretty quickly. Although I did have to roll my eyes at the nurse that asked me, "So when did the symptoms start?" "Uh, when he hit the floor and his bones broke!" She wasn't impressed with my tone nor my answer. I was frazzled though, so I blame my attitude on that.
After some morphine and x-rays, they saw that he had broken both bones in the forearm. One a few inches above the wrist and the other a couple inches above that. A 'very common break', or so I was told. They decided to repair the break with a bier block and manual manipulation of the bones. I had to leave the room because I couldn't watch my little guy go through all that, but everyone said he did pretty good. He hollered and yelled, but I would too if you were shoving my broken bones back together. I don't care how much pain killers I had in me. He's currently in a splint and goes back tomorrow for his appointment with the orthopedic doctor. Hopefully to get his hard cast on. I'll feel MUCH better when he has his hard cast on.
I don't ever want to have to see any of my babies in pain like that again. It was the worst, scariest night of my life..... so far. My poor kids (especially the boys) are accident prone though. I'm sure this won't be the last time we see the inside of the emergency room, but I sure hope it's the last time for quite awhile.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Charged With Attempted Murder
I'm currently on house arrest due to the charge of "attempted murder". The victim? My mini-van. Hence the house arrest. Can't really go anywhere without any mode of transportation.
It was a typical Wednesday afternoon. Nothing spectacular happening. My brother offered to by lunch, so I figured the least I could do is drive. The gas light was on though and I had been for awhile. I wasn't sure if I could even make it to the gas station to fill up. I had just cleaned out the garage though and knew that I put a gas can on the top shelf that was completely full. That should have been plenty to get me to the gas station.....
So I poured it in the tank, we all piled into the van (my brother, all three kids and myself) and started our short journey to Sonic and then the gas station. Less than 1/4 mile from the house though, the van sputtered, hesitated and died. I had enough momentum to roll into a side street, then I pushed it up to the next residential block to part. Out of gas. Don't know how since I just put 2 gallons in it from the gas can, but alas, it wouldn't start. So my brother started his short trek back to the house to get his car and some gas cans.
When he returned, he had a worried look on his face. He said, "That gas can you used? There was a slightly green puddle around it from where it dripped and the liquid smelled sweet...... like anti-freeze." WHAT?!? I immediately grabbed my cell phone and dialed my husband. "Did you put anti-freeze in one of the gas cans in the garage?" He calmly and casually said, "yes". To which I replied, "YOU DON'T EVER PUT ANYTHING IN A GAS CAN OTHER THAN GAS!!!". My reply was quite loud and aggressive in case you didn't catch on to that. He hollered back at me and I told him that I had mistakenly poured the entire thing into my gas tank.
My brother had brought back two gas cans, so the theory was that we were gonna pour more gas in to dilute the anti-freeze down, start the van up, and all would be right with the world. Everything was not right with the world. Not only would it not start, but now everything electrical quit working. A guy offered to jump my battery, but I explained my predicament and decided that that probably wasn't a good idea. He agreed and drove away.
My brother took the kids in his car and went home while I stayed with the van until my husband could get there. Billy showed up as quick as he could and fiddled around under the hood. Still no go. So we called our roadside assistance for a tow. While waiting, two more good samaritans offered their help and I had to tell them the predicament. Then the two truck driver got there and I had to tell him what I'd done. Then we got to the mechanic and I had to tell him what I'd done. Nothing like having to repeatedly tell strangers all about your stupid mistake. *sigh*
As of date, the van is still sitting at the mechanic. Waiting on a fuel pump. The theory is that anti-freeze is denser than gasoline, it'll sink to the bottom of the gas tanks, they'll drain it all out, flush the lines, replace the fuel pump and everything will be fine. Hopefully the power issue is just simply a safety feature on the car and once they hit "reset" on the computer, she'll come back to life. Only time will tell though.
So in the meantime, I sit here, anxious and embarrassed. Charged with attempted murder of our lovely family mini-van. The sentence? House arrest and fines (ie: a steep mechanic bill that can only go up from here).
It was a typical Wednesday afternoon. Nothing spectacular happening. My brother offered to by lunch, so I figured the least I could do is drive. The gas light was on though and I had been for awhile. I wasn't sure if I could even make it to the gas station to fill up. I had just cleaned out the garage though and knew that I put a gas can on the top shelf that was completely full. That should have been plenty to get me to the gas station.....
So I poured it in the tank, we all piled into the van (my brother, all three kids and myself) and started our short journey to Sonic and then the gas station. Less than 1/4 mile from the house though, the van sputtered, hesitated and died. I had enough momentum to roll into a side street, then I pushed it up to the next residential block to part. Out of gas. Don't know how since I just put 2 gallons in it from the gas can, but alas, it wouldn't start. So my brother started his short trek back to the house to get his car and some gas cans.
When he returned, he had a worried look on his face. He said, "That gas can you used? There was a slightly green puddle around it from where it dripped and the liquid smelled sweet...... like anti-freeze." WHAT?!? I immediately grabbed my cell phone and dialed my husband. "Did you put anti-freeze in one of the gas cans in the garage?" He calmly and casually said, "yes". To which I replied, "YOU DON'T EVER PUT ANYTHING IN A GAS CAN OTHER THAN GAS!!!". My reply was quite loud and aggressive in case you didn't catch on to that. He hollered back at me and I told him that I had mistakenly poured the entire thing into my gas tank.
My brother had brought back two gas cans, so the theory was that we were gonna pour more gas in to dilute the anti-freeze down, start the van up, and all would be right with the world. Everything was not right with the world. Not only would it not start, but now everything electrical quit working. A guy offered to jump my battery, but I explained my predicament and decided that that probably wasn't a good idea. He agreed and drove away.
My brother took the kids in his car and went home while I stayed with the van until my husband could get there. Billy showed up as quick as he could and fiddled around under the hood. Still no go. So we called our roadside assistance for a tow. While waiting, two more good samaritans offered their help and I had to tell them the predicament. Then the two truck driver got there and I had to tell him what I'd done. Then we got to the mechanic and I had to tell him what I'd done. Nothing like having to repeatedly tell strangers all about your stupid mistake. *sigh*
As of date, the van is still sitting at the mechanic. Waiting on a fuel pump. The theory is that anti-freeze is denser than gasoline, it'll sink to the bottom of the gas tanks, they'll drain it all out, flush the lines, replace the fuel pump and everything will be fine. Hopefully the power issue is just simply a safety feature on the car and once they hit "reset" on the computer, she'll come back to life. Only time will tell though.
So in the meantime, I sit here, anxious and embarrassed. Charged with attempted murder of our lovely family mini-van. The sentence? House arrest and fines (ie: a steep mechanic bill that can only go up from here).
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Transitioning and Finding a Balance
A year ago, I was enjoying the summer break with the kids. At least, in hindsight, that's what I think I was doing. At the time though, I'm sure I was already counting down the days until school started again and whining to B.K. about how useless and unaccomplished I felt. All those years of being a stay-at-home mom, I couldn't wait for the weekends so that I could go hang out with friends. I longed to go back to work so that I could make new friends and get out of the house a bit.
Now, I'm enjoying the summer break with the kids. There is no counting down to school though. Not in the happy, can't-wait-for-it-to-get-here sense anyway. Because now, I am working, making new friends and getting out of the house. The problem is, I'm out of the house every single weekday. Work, work, work. It seems like that's all I do now. And although I enjoy my job and I adore the people I work with, I miss my family.
I miss all three kids crawling into bed with me and we all lay around to watch cartoons until 10:00. I miss welcoming B.K. home after a long days work. I miss going to the park early in the morning and playing in the sprinklers later in the afternoon. I miss laying in bed late at night talking to B.K. about all of our future plans. I miss all that stuff. Because now all I do is want to go straight to bed at 8:00 o'clock because I have to be at work by 5:00am. I took it for granted when I had the opportunity to do all those things and now I'm kicking myself.
But the other crappy part is that I've been neglecting my friendships. Not on purpose per se, but my priorities have shifted. Where I used to look forward to hanging out with friends on the weekend, now the weekends are the only time I get to hang out with my family. After missing them all week long, I feel selfish saying, "Sorry kids, no time to watch movies or go to the park. I'm going to hang out with so-and-so instead." But then I feel selfish telling my friends, "Sorry, I can't have lunch with you, because I'm hanging out with my family all day". I just can't seem to find that balance between work, family and friends. Family is ALWAYS #1 in my book, but I have to shelf all of my friendships in the process? Surely that's not right. But how do I balance? How do I work long hours 5 days a week, spend time with my family AND make the time to grow those friendships?
Anybody got an answer? Anyone? No, I didn't think so. Trial and error, I suppose. I just have to keep transitioning into this part of our journey and find that balance.
Now, I'm enjoying the summer break with the kids. There is no counting down to school though. Not in the happy, can't-wait-for-it-to-get-here sense anyway. Because now, I am working, making new friends and getting out of the house. The problem is, I'm out of the house every single weekday. Work, work, work. It seems like that's all I do now. And although I enjoy my job and I adore the people I work with, I miss my family.
I miss all three kids crawling into bed with me and we all lay around to watch cartoons until 10:00. I miss welcoming B.K. home after a long days work. I miss going to the park early in the morning and playing in the sprinklers later in the afternoon. I miss laying in bed late at night talking to B.K. about all of our future plans. I miss all that stuff. Because now all I do is want to go straight to bed at 8:00 o'clock because I have to be at work by 5:00am. I took it for granted when I had the opportunity to do all those things and now I'm kicking myself.
But the other crappy part is that I've been neglecting my friendships. Not on purpose per se, but my priorities have shifted. Where I used to look forward to hanging out with friends on the weekend, now the weekends are the only time I get to hang out with my family. After missing them all week long, I feel selfish saying, "Sorry kids, no time to watch movies or go to the park. I'm going to hang out with so-and-so instead." But then I feel selfish telling my friends, "Sorry, I can't have lunch with you, because I'm hanging out with my family all day". I just can't seem to find that balance between work, family and friends. Family is ALWAYS #1 in my book, but I have to shelf all of my friendships in the process? Surely that's not right. But how do I balance? How do I work long hours 5 days a week, spend time with my family AND make the time to grow those friendships?
Anybody got an answer? Anyone? No, I didn't think so. Trial and error, I suppose. I just have to keep transitioning into this part of our journey and find that balance.
Monday, May 14, 2012
The Epic Debate Continues: Stay-At-Home vs Working Mom
We hear about the "war" all the time between mothers. Which is harder, better, smarter and more fulfilling - staying at home full-time to tend to the family or raising a family while also working outside of the home? Women battle about it daily at PTO meetings, while gossiping on the front porch with friends, while sitting in the office with coworkers or while debating about it online. Everyone has their opinion about which one is "right".
I couldn't care less what other people think is right. What's best for one family is not what is best for another. And both situations have their pros and cons; struggles and strengths. Both have the potential to be very fulfilling. I've done both. I worked for several years, stayed home for several years and am back to working again. My 'epic debate' is not with others - it is with myself.
It never fails. When I'm a stay-at-home mom, I think of all the reasons why I'd like to return to work. I'd like to contribute more money to the family, I'd like to have the opportunity to meet new friends, I'd like some me time away from everyone, etc, etc. When I'm working outside the home though, I think of all the reasons why I'd like to stay home. I'd save tons of money on gas/daycare, I'd have the opportunity to be much more involved with the kids' school life, I'd have some time away from everyone to do things that I like to do, etc, etc. The pros and cons seem to stack up evenly each time.
How does one decide? When you have a firm grasp on what both lifestyles are like, but the pros and cons come out even every time, how do you choose? How do I know what is "right"? Maybe it's not about what's right or what's better or what's more fulfilling. Maybe it's about just trusting my gut and doing what feels right rather than what looks good on paper.
I'll have to get back to this one. For now, the epic debate continues......
I couldn't care less what other people think is right. What's best for one family is not what is best for another. And both situations have their pros and cons; struggles and strengths. Both have the potential to be very fulfilling. I've done both. I worked for several years, stayed home for several years and am back to working again. My 'epic debate' is not with others - it is with myself.
It never fails. When I'm a stay-at-home mom, I think of all the reasons why I'd like to return to work. I'd like to contribute more money to the family, I'd like to have the opportunity to meet new friends, I'd like some me time away from everyone, etc, etc. When I'm working outside the home though, I think of all the reasons why I'd like to stay home. I'd save tons of money on gas/daycare, I'd have the opportunity to be much more involved with the kids' school life, I'd have some time away from everyone to do things that I like to do, etc, etc. The pros and cons seem to stack up evenly each time.
How does one decide? When you have a firm grasp on what both lifestyles are like, but the pros and cons come out even every time, how do you choose? How do I know what is "right"? Maybe it's not about what's right or what's better or what's more fulfilling. Maybe it's about just trusting my gut and doing what feels right rather than what looks good on paper.
I'll have to get back to this one. For now, the epic debate continues......
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Optimistic Me
I take back what I said in my last post. About there "not really being any reason not to
be pleasant". When I refer to myself as an optimistic person, it has
nothing to do with my life being sunshine and rainbows all the time.
I'm sure most people could find it pretty easy to be optimistic when
things are good. So let me assure you that my life is not sunshine and rainbows all the time. I actually have lots of reasons to not be pleasant. I'll spare you and not make an actual list though.
If my life were easy and picture perfect, I wouldn't be optimistic. At least, not in my head. Optimism, to me, is finding the good in even the worst of situations. So if everything was going perfectly, it wouldn't really be optimism that I had. It'd be contentment. I don't want to be just content. I want to have life experiences that make me a better person and help me to grow. I'm a firm believer that I learn more through trials and tribulations than I do if I were just coasting along and everything was peachy. But optimism means I don't allow myself to be beaten down by those trials and tribulations. Rather than being consumed by the 'bad' of any given situation, I focus on the light at the end of the tunnel and the fact that I'll be a better person by the time all is said and done. I don't want to come out the other side of a situation with nothing but bitterness, anger and regret. That's not gonna do me any good. But if I come out the other side of a situation with knowledge and experience for the future..... then I'm a-ok.
I have lots of things in my life that could make me feel justified in being an unpleasant person or being pessimistic. I could sit around and wait for the other shoe to drop, because in my experience, it always does.....but I choose not to. That is Optimistic Me.
If my life were easy and picture perfect, I wouldn't be optimistic. At least, not in my head. Optimism, to me, is finding the good in even the worst of situations. So if everything was going perfectly, it wouldn't really be optimism that I had. It'd be contentment. I don't want to be just content. I want to have life experiences that make me a better person and help me to grow. I'm a firm believer that I learn more through trials and tribulations than I do if I were just coasting along and everything was peachy. But optimism means I don't allow myself to be beaten down by those trials and tribulations. Rather than being consumed by the 'bad' of any given situation, I focus on the light at the end of the tunnel and the fact that I'll be a better person by the time all is said and done. I don't want to come out the other side of a situation with nothing but bitterness, anger and regret. That's not gonna do me any good. But if I come out the other side of a situation with knowledge and experience for the future..... then I'm a-ok.
I have lots of things in my life that could make me feel justified in being an unpleasant person or being pessimistic. I could sit around and wait for the other shoe to drop, because in my experience, it always does.....but I choose not to. That is Optimistic Me.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
I'm Nice, Dammit!
As I smiled politely at the Dollar Store clerk like I do most mornings that I stop in there (for a soda and a snack for my kids or my coworkers), she looked at me and said, "Why are you always so pleasant? Perky people really piss me off.". What?!?! Since when did being polite and friendly become a bad thing? Why am I always so pleasant, you ask? Because I'm nice, dammit! Perky people piss you off? Well then, pessimistic people piss me off!
OK, I didn't actually get my panties in a wad. That was a nice release though. I feel better. What I actually did was just continue to politely smile and said something charming. Something about all of God's blessings and no real reason to not be pleasant. Even if I was a pessimistic or grouchy person; the lady ringing up my Dr Pepper and Snickers bar didn't do anything to me, so why wouldn't I be nice and pleasant? I just don't understand the ideal that everyone is supposed to be moping around and wallowing in the suckage that we call life.
Even in the darkest parts of my darkest days (and yes, I've had some dark days), there was always a glimmer of light somewhere. I had to look for it, and that's half the battle, but that sure is more fun to focus on than the darkness. Where has being bitter and grouchy ever gotten anyone? I can't fathom that it's a fulfilling life to lead. I can't imagine people enjoy being surrounded by others who are just constantly doom and gloom.
Don't get me wrong. Super enthusiastic, hyped-up on coffee, cheerleader for life type people can get under my skin too. I'm not gonna do a cartwheel in the middle of the store and declare how wonderfully happy I am today. I'm not going to spontaneously burst out into choreographed song and dance like they do in the movies. But I am going to smile, be pleasant and "perky" as often as possible. Why? Well, why not? It makes me happy. It reflects my attitude on life accurately. And it's a proven fact that a smile is contagious. So for those few people who are pissed off by my perkiness; I can guarantee there are many more people that are uplifted by it.
OK, I didn't actually get my panties in a wad. That was a nice release though. I feel better. What I actually did was just continue to politely smile and said something charming. Something about all of God's blessings and no real reason to not be pleasant. Even if I was a pessimistic or grouchy person; the lady ringing up my Dr Pepper and Snickers bar didn't do anything to me, so why wouldn't I be nice and pleasant? I just don't understand the ideal that everyone is supposed to be moping around and wallowing in the suckage that we call life.
Even in the darkest parts of my darkest days (and yes, I've had some dark days), there was always a glimmer of light somewhere. I had to look for it, and that's half the battle, but that sure is more fun to focus on than the darkness. Where has being bitter and grouchy ever gotten anyone? I can't fathom that it's a fulfilling life to lead. I can't imagine people enjoy being surrounded by others who are just constantly doom and gloom.
Don't get me wrong. Super enthusiastic, hyped-up on coffee, cheerleader for life type people can get under my skin too. I'm not gonna do a cartwheel in the middle of the store and declare how wonderfully happy I am today. I'm not going to spontaneously burst out into choreographed song and dance like they do in the movies. But I am going to smile, be pleasant and "perky" as often as possible. Why? Well, why not? It makes me happy. It reflects my attitude on life accurately. And it's a proven fact that a smile is contagious. So for those few people who are pissed off by my perkiness; I can guarantee there are many more people that are uplifted by it.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Unconditional Pride
I was looking through my jewelry box and found a necklace that my mother-in-law bought me during my husband's boot camp graduation. It's a little silver heart with the words, "Proud of My Airman" inscribed on it. Really cute, but..... I never really wore it. I don't know why I never really wore it, but I just didn't. Now that he's out of the military, I think I'm understanding it more and more though.
My husband is the same man today as he was when we married over 10-years ago. He's grown and matured over the years of course, but at the core, he's still the same man. He's a hard-worker, he's honest, he's noble and he's a gentleman. The military didn't make him any of those things. It just is who he is. I was just as proud and honored to be his wife when he worked in a grocery store as I was when he served in the military. And I'm still just as proud and honored to be his wife now that he's out of the military as I was the day that we said, "I do". His career has very little to do with why I'm so proud of him and so in love with him. I never wore "Proud of My Grocery Store Manager" necklaces before the military though. I never put signs in my yard or stickers on my car stating, "Proud Produce Managers Wife". I don't currently have a "I Support My HVAC Technician" sticker on the van. So why, when he joined the military, was I suddenly more eager to let the world know that I was proud of him? Why only then did people buy me necklaces saying I was proud of him? Why only then did I put a sticker on my van in support of him and all other troops. I supported the troops BEFORE he joined.
So in some sense, I'm ashamed of myself. I'm ashamed that it took my own husband enlisting to suddenly make hanging an American flag in front of our house a priority; or wearing a yellow ribbon to show my support for the troops. I should have done those things anyway. And I'm a little ashamed of myself that I wasn't as boastful about my pride in him before the military as I was while he was serving. I love, support and am proud of my husband in everything he does.... always will be. The military shouldn't have been the shove to make me want to shout it from the rooftops. My pride and support of my husband should be unconditional. Sunday, April 22, 2012
Wedding Regrets
I constantly hear people talking about how they regret not hiring a certain D.J. or regret not hiring a photographer or regret not having a bigger venue for their wedding. I hear of people who had a court house wedding and regret not having something more traditional. But how often do we hear about people who regret doing things the traditional way and wish they would have been more non-traditional? Not often. I'm one of those people though.
We had the church ceremony more-so because it's what was the norm and it was what other people wanted. I really hated the idea of putting on a show for other people though. The love that my husband and I shared (and continue to share and grows over ten years later) had almost zero to do with anyone else, and we certainly didn't need to put on a big production just to show others how much we loved each other. But for the sake of tradition, that's what we did. I bought a nice, traditional dress off the clearance rack. He rented a tux. My veil was a thrift store find. The church was the one we both attended, thus it was a free venue. We threw some faux flower arrangements together and my mother made a simple wedding cake. Our photographer was a friend from college and the videographer was my parents' old camcorder set up on a tripod. Everything was as simple and as inexpensive as possible. I just wasn't into the show. I wanted to marry the man that I loved and couldn't give two craps about the details.
I wish I could successfully convey to other couples that if you want the big production.... that's awesome. Go for it. It can be so fun to share that experience with friends and family. But don't ever feel like you missed out if you didn't do the big production. A marriage is an intimate, passionate, personal, private relationship between two people. The wedding doesn't have to be any different. I regret making myself do a big show for other people (even though it wasn't that big) when all I wanted to do was have a private moment with the man I loved to vow to him that I was gonna continue to love him like that, and more, for the rest of our lives. Our marriage today wouldn't be any different either way.
We had the church ceremony more-so because it's what was the norm and it was what other people wanted. I really hated the idea of putting on a show for other people though. The love that my husband and I shared (and continue to share and grows over ten years later) had almost zero to do with anyone else, and we certainly didn't need to put on a big production just to show others how much we loved each other. But for the sake of tradition, that's what we did. I bought a nice, traditional dress off the clearance rack. He rented a tux. My veil was a thrift store find. The church was the one we both attended, thus it was a free venue. We threw some faux flower arrangements together and my mother made a simple wedding cake. Our photographer was a friend from college and the videographer was my parents' old camcorder set up on a tripod. Everything was as simple and as inexpensive as possible. I just wasn't into the show. I wanted to marry the man that I loved and couldn't give two craps about the details.
I wish I could successfully convey to other couples that if you want the big production.... that's awesome. Go for it. It can be so fun to share that experience with friends and family. But don't ever feel like you missed out if you didn't do the big production. A marriage is an intimate, passionate, personal, private relationship between two people. The wedding doesn't have to be any different. I regret making myself do a big show for other people (even though it wasn't that big) when all I wanted to do was have a private moment with the man I loved to vow to him that I was gonna continue to love him like that, and more, for the rest of our lives. Our marriage today wouldn't be any different either way.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Is It Really Forgiveness?
I got in a bit of an undesirable discussion with a family member several months back. Feelings were hurt and grudges were held. Unbeknownst to me, those feelings and grudges continued on for months and months and months. When I became aware of the situation, I tried to explain and apologized sincerely and frequently...... without much reciprocation or even acknowledgment. Just more hurt feelings and grudges.
After much thought and discussion with my husband, I decided to apologize one last time and just leave the ball in their court. I had to accept the fact that I can't force someone to forgive me or even to accept my apology. So that's what I did. Weeks, months went by with no acknowledgment. Something I had to just accept and move on.
Yesterday, I finally got an email from the other party. They apologized for not responding earlier and said they heard a quote that fit the situation perfectly; "Words can be forgiven, but never forgotten". Which I understand to be completely true, BUT...... it begs the question, is it really forgiveness? As one of my dear friends always says, why bury the hatchet if you're just gonna leave the handle sticking up out of the ground?
Beggars can't be choosers I suppose, so I'll take this as the first step towards rebuilding the damaged relationship with my family member, but I can't help but feel like it was a backhanded attempt. "I forgive you, but I'm gonna hold onto these hurt feelings for just a little while longer." It makes we wonder if we really will ever be able to move on. Or if every time they look at me, their brow is going to scrunch and their lip curl just a little bit because all they are thinking about is that undesirable discussion from late last year. *sigh* Only time will tell, I suppose. I guess "Forgive and Forget" is unattainable at this point.
After much thought and discussion with my husband, I decided to apologize one last time and just leave the ball in their court. I had to accept the fact that I can't force someone to forgive me or even to accept my apology. So that's what I did. Weeks, months went by with no acknowledgment. Something I had to just accept and move on.
Yesterday, I finally got an email from the other party. They apologized for not responding earlier and said they heard a quote that fit the situation perfectly; "Words can be forgiven, but never forgotten". Which I understand to be completely true, BUT...... it begs the question, is it really forgiveness? As one of my dear friends always says, why bury the hatchet if you're just gonna leave the handle sticking up out of the ground?
Beggars can't be choosers I suppose, so I'll take this as the first step towards rebuilding the damaged relationship with my family member, but I can't help but feel like it was a backhanded attempt. "I forgive you, but I'm gonna hold onto these hurt feelings for just a little while longer." It makes we wonder if we really will ever be able to move on. Or if every time they look at me, their brow is going to scrunch and their lip curl just a little bit because all they are thinking about is that undesirable discussion from late last year. *sigh* Only time will tell, I suppose. I guess "Forgive and Forget" is unattainable at this point.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
How Can One "Abuse" the System When You Can't Even Get Into the System?
During our exhausting ordeal with leaving the military life and his civilian employee laying him off, we educated ourselves about our options for getting over the hump. We called the bank and asked to skip a month of payments on our van, we called the mortgage company and asked for the same, and we looked into unemployment benefits and food assistance programs. The latter was the biggest hit to our pride.
No one WANTS to be on food stamps. No self-respecting mother/father wants to admit to themselves that they screwed up financially by not having anything in savings and is now out of a job and can't even afford to put food on the table. It's not a proud moment. Really, it's not. So we applied for food stamps. We were well below the financial qualifications. A family of 5 living on a custodians income? You can imagine how "poor" we were.
When we first submitted the information, we got a call saying they were gonna expedite our case and get us supplements ASAP. We were very happy and relieved. The beginning of February, we were gonna have money for groceries. Awesome. By mid-February though, still no assistance. We'd call regularly and all they'd say is "The case is still pending". So on day 30, we got a "denied" letter. Denied?!?! Why??!?! We qualify and we're denied?!
The explanation we got was that our banking information showed that we had a savings account, but we didn't report how much money was in it. Um.... that's because there was NOTHING in it. In fact, our bank closed our savings account because it was empty for too long. So we had to appeal our case and send in a certified letter stating that we had no addition money stored away. They also had to verify that my husband's job really did lay him off. Because since he was still technically employed (they told him business was slow and they'd call him if they needed him), they also used that as grounds to deny us. Because although we qualified at that moment, he could return to work at any moment and thus no longer qualify. News flash to me that you can be denied because you MIGHT go back to work soon. In that case, no one should qualify. Everyone MIGHT find a better paying job soon or return to work soon.
I wasn't thrilled, but continued to play the game. Because we could really use that help to get us through the rough patch. So again, our case worker promised to expedite our appeals case and get us assistance as soon as possible. A week later, we called for an update. "When we appealed that case, it gave me another 30 days to make a decision. We'll let you know." *sigh* I gave up at that point. If we got it, we got it. It's now been close to 60 days. No letter in the mail, no phone calls and our case worker won't answer/return any of our calls. At this point, we're just calling to tell her that we're back on our feet and no longer need any assistance.
So my whole thought process in all of this is...... how exactly do people "abuse the system"? We couldn't even get through all the red tape to get INTO the system, let alone to abuse it!! lol I was venting to a friend of mine who made a very good point. Maybe that's WHY people 'abuse the system' and not report when they get new income or things like that. Look how hard it is to even get benefits in the first place!
*Note: I am not condoning cheating/abusing the system. It's not right and isn't fair to people who really do need it in the way that it's intended. But the point is, I played the game and it's frustrating and exhausting and defeating. So I can't fathom that the majority are abusing the system. The majority use it as it's intended (since it's so difficult to get it in the first place) and the few that do abuse it should NOT be a representation of all. Statistics show that less than 5% of recipients commit fraud to receive those benefits. It's a very small number, despite how people like to paint the picture of coach bags, fancy cars, new cell phones and food stamps.
No one WANTS to be on food stamps. No self-respecting mother/father wants to admit to themselves that they screwed up financially by not having anything in savings and is now out of a job and can't even afford to put food on the table. It's not a proud moment. Really, it's not. So we applied for food stamps. We were well below the financial qualifications. A family of 5 living on a custodians income? You can imagine how "poor" we were.
When we first submitted the information, we got a call saying they were gonna expedite our case and get us supplements ASAP. We were very happy and relieved. The beginning of February, we were gonna have money for groceries. Awesome. By mid-February though, still no assistance. We'd call regularly and all they'd say is "The case is still pending". So on day 30, we got a "denied" letter. Denied?!?! Why??!?! We qualify and we're denied?!
The explanation we got was that our banking information showed that we had a savings account, but we didn't report how much money was in it. Um.... that's because there was NOTHING in it. In fact, our bank closed our savings account because it was empty for too long. So we had to appeal our case and send in a certified letter stating that we had no addition money stored away. They also had to verify that my husband's job really did lay him off. Because since he was still technically employed (they told him business was slow and they'd call him if they needed him), they also used that as grounds to deny us. Because although we qualified at that moment, he could return to work at any moment and thus no longer qualify. News flash to me that you can be denied because you MIGHT go back to work soon. In that case, no one should qualify. Everyone MIGHT find a better paying job soon or return to work soon.
I wasn't thrilled, but continued to play the game. Because we could really use that help to get us through the rough patch. So again, our case worker promised to expedite our appeals case and get us assistance as soon as possible. A week later, we called for an update. "When we appealed that case, it gave me another 30 days to make a decision. We'll let you know." *sigh* I gave up at that point. If we got it, we got it. It's now been close to 60 days. No letter in the mail, no phone calls and our case worker won't answer/return any of our calls. At this point, we're just calling to tell her that we're back on our feet and no longer need any assistance.
So my whole thought process in all of this is...... how exactly do people "abuse the system"? We couldn't even get through all the red tape to get INTO the system, let alone to abuse it!! lol I was venting to a friend of mine who made a very good point. Maybe that's WHY people 'abuse the system' and not report when they get new income or things like that. Look how hard it is to even get benefits in the first place!
*Note: I am not condoning cheating/abusing the system. It's not right and isn't fair to people who really do need it in the way that it's intended. But the point is, I played the game and it's frustrating and exhausting and defeating. So I can't fathom that the majority are abusing the system. The majority use it as it's intended (since it's so difficult to get it in the first place) and the few that do abuse it should NOT be a representation of all. Statistics show that less than 5% of recipients commit fraud to receive those benefits. It's a very small number, despite how people like to paint the picture of coach bags, fancy cars, new cell phones and food stamps.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Employed Husband
Thank God, Praise the Lord!! Billy was offered a job with the DoD on March 9th!! We patiently waited and waited and waited for everything to be complete and everything to line up. Billy got the call he had been waiting for yesterday! All of his paperwork, security clearance and background check cleared and he can officially start work. He goes to orientation next week and starts working immediately after that. *HUGE sigh of relief* I don't know how people make it through months and months and months of unemployment. 3 months felt like we were about to die. My heart goes out to the people who have been impacted by the economy so severely that they DREAM of finding work within 3 months. We're blessed. We really are.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
No Longer a "Military Wife"
Why hello there blog. Nice to see you again. Boy, oh boy, have things changed lately..... Perhaps I'll fill you in just a little bit.
Remember that "Air Force Wife" lifestyle I was living? Well, that part of our lives is over. It was something I never thought we'd ever be a part of (the military community, I mean), but was really excited about when Billy chose to enlist. We had a lovely little adventure for a few years and got to meet some really great people that we never would have come in contact with if it wasn't for the military. On the flip side, we met some really not-so-great people that we never would have come in contact with if it wasn't for the military. We'll skip that latter part though. But after 6-years of service to his country, Billy decided it wasn't what he wanted to do for the rest of his life and chose to honorably separate from the military. That's when things got interesting......
So back in November, he had saved up enough vacation days that he was able to go on "terminal leave". Meaning the military still 'owned' him until January 3rd, still payed him, but he was on 'vacation'. During that time, he found a job with a local heating and air place and began working for them.
January 3rd came and went and we said "goodbye" to the military. On January 6th, Billy's job that he had been working at since November said "goodbye" to him as well. With the weather being so nice, they just didn't have enough work to sustain him as a full-time employer. Since he was the new guy, he got the boot. They didn't fire him though. They just said, "We'll call you if we need you". Weeks went by and they never called. Needless to say, providing for a family of 5 on my custodian income alone was not cutting it (did I mention that I've been working as a custodian for the school district since October?). He applied everywhere. At least 10 applications a week with anyone that would let him in the door. No one could/would hire him. So unemployment came into the picture. However, they make you wait a certain amount of time before they considered you "unemployed" when you've only been temporarily laid off (which is what Billy was considered). So that was quite the headache.
So from January 6th through February 20th, we had..... nothing. My paycheck was enough to cover the mortgage and one car payment, but that was it. We stupidly had nothing in savings. Thankfully, our tax refund came and we paid off all of our credit debts and had enough left over to stock up on necessities for the month. Yes, there were lots of people we could have called to ask for help, but our pride and ego were already bruised enough, so we decided to just tough it out and make it on our own. Not only because of our pride, but for our own self-esteem. To prove to ourselves that we could do it without help from anyone else.
It was really difficult and the stress got the better of me from time to time. Thank God my husband is such a patient man that knows how to calm my every fear. He'd always hug me when I was at my worst and whisper in my ear that everything was going to be okay. And no truer words have ever been spoken, because here we are. We're doing okay. We just stayed strong in our faith and focused on the good rather than the bad.
On February 21st, unemployment kicked in and saved the day. :) We were back on track and keeping our heads above water. That's all anyone can really ask for, right? It may not be the most perfect situation in the world, but things could certainly be worse. And for now, taking joy in the fact that it's not as bad as it could be is far more productive than wallowing in the fact that it's not what we want it to be.
Goodbye, "Military Wife". It was fun while it lasted.
Remember that "Air Force Wife" lifestyle I was living? Well, that part of our lives is over. It was something I never thought we'd ever be a part of (the military community, I mean), but was really excited about when Billy chose to enlist. We had a lovely little adventure for a few years and got to meet some really great people that we never would have come in contact with if it wasn't for the military. On the flip side, we met some really not-so-great people that we never would have come in contact with if it wasn't for the military. We'll skip that latter part though. But after 6-years of service to his country, Billy decided it wasn't what he wanted to do for the rest of his life and chose to honorably separate from the military. That's when things got interesting......
So back in November, he had saved up enough vacation days that he was able to go on "terminal leave". Meaning the military still 'owned' him until January 3rd, still payed him, but he was on 'vacation'. During that time, he found a job with a local heating and air place and began working for them.
January 3rd came and went and we said "goodbye" to the military. On January 6th, Billy's job that he had been working at since November said "goodbye" to him as well. With the weather being so nice, they just didn't have enough work to sustain him as a full-time employer. Since he was the new guy, he got the boot. They didn't fire him though. They just said, "We'll call you if we need you". Weeks went by and they never called. Needless to say, providing for a family of 5 on my custodian income alone was not cutting it (did I mention that I've been working as a custodian for the school district since October?). He applied everywhere. At least 10 applications a week with anyone that would let him in the door. No one could/would hire him. So unemployment came into the picture. However, they make you wait a certain amount of time before they considered you "unemployed" when you've only been temporarily laid off (which is what Billy was considered). So that was quite the headache.
So from January 6th through February 20th, we had..... nothing. My paycheck was enough to cover the mortgage and one car payment, but that was it. We stupidly had nothing in savings. Thankfully, our tax refund came and we paid off all of our credit debts and had enough left over to stock up on necessities for the month. Yes, there were lots of people we could have called to ask for help, but our pride and ego were already bruised enough, so we decided to just tough it out and make it on our own. Not only because of our pride, but for our own self-esteem. To prove to ourselves that we could do it without help from anyone else.
It was really difficult and the stress got the better of me from time to time. Thank God my husband is such a patient man that knows how to calm my every fear. He'd always hug me when I was at my worst and whisper in my ear that everything was going to be okay. And no truer words have ever been spoken, because here we are. We're doing okay. We just stayed strong in our faith and focused on the good rather than the bad.
On February 21st, unemployment kicked in and saved the day. :) We were back on track and keeping our heads above water. That's all anyone can really ask for, right? It may not be the most perfect situation in the world, but things could certainly be worse. And for now, taking joy in the fact that it's not as bad as it could be is far more productive than wallowing in the fact that it's not what we want it to be.
Goodbye, "Military Wife". It was fun while it lasted.
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