A series of really tragic events within our local community has me thinking about my own tragic events within my life. Correction, our lives. Because when something tragic happens, it affects a whole circle of people, not just one. It has me wondering, does life truly go on? Or does it just come to an awkward stand still and everything else starts to revolve around that incident instead? Most days, I feel like life truly does go on. Other days though...... not so much. I don't know if I've mentioned it in this blog before, but I have PTSD. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Something you usually associate with a soldier returning from war, but in my case, it was a medical traumatic experience. A 'routine procedure' gone terribly wrong. Proof positive for me that "routine" in life is never really routine. Anything can happen at any moment to change our lives forever.
When I start sitting around contemplating "life" and how it progresses, I find myself hitting these little walls. Not walls so high that I can't get over them, but definitely hurdles in my everyday life. The thing I struggle most with my PTSD is that it's never cured. You never stop having PTSD. Some people cope really well and can usually maintain control of their thoughts/feelings while other people don't do as well. I'm lucky that I'm generally the former. With all that's been happening lately, all the loss of lives far too soon, I can't help but hit one of those walls though. This go around, it's the anger and the inability to understand why it happens to one person and not the next.
Why did I survive? Why do others not survive when they have just as much right to live as I do? Why did my husband have to go through the experience of almost losing his wife and mother of his children? My heart aches the most when I think of how he must have felt during that whole ordeal. How do you walk into a room and see hundreds of tubes and wires coming out of the person you love the most while the medical staff is telling you to prepare yourself for the worst? I just go back and forth in my head. It's not fair. It's not right. Life goes on, but it's so much different than before. I guess it's a new kind of life. I appreciate things more now. But in that same line of thought, I worry more too. "Worse Case Scenario" happened to me. I can't explain things away with, "Well, the likelihood of that happening is practically non-existent". That 0.05% chance of something bad happening happened to me! How do you go on with life always wondering what you could have done differently or waiting for that next bad thing to happen? I wish I had the exact answer, but somehow...... you just do. For as long as I'm still alive, life quite literally goes on. I just have to remind myself, more often than I like to admit, that I have to make the best of it rather than be consumed by the things I cannot change. Does my life sometimes stand still and revolve around the memories of that day? Yes. I always snap out of it though and keep moving forward. For as long as I'm able to keep doing that; Life Goes On.
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