I Have a Diagnosis

Since I started this blog, I've tried to start a post to explain my diagnosis.  It's always way too long though or I get frustrated and delete it.  Someone asked me a question about my diagnosis on a debate page though, and I think I was able to sum it up pretty easily.  So I'm going to share it here and maybe it will finally explain (at least a little bit) my diagnosis.

I was diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) in the fall of 2010. I don't recall what exactly made me realize, "OK, it's time to say something to someone". It had been a long, bumpy road though. I almost died the day after our 3rd child was born due to freak complications from a tubal ligation. No, not complications - more like a screw up. The doctor tied and cut an artery instead of my fallopian tube. He sewed me up and sent me to recovery without realizing his mistake. I started to bleed out and.... well, let's just say that they prepped my husband and family for the worst.

Anyway, that incident was in 2007. For three years, I was just in this haze. I resented our son, I felt like God was punishing me because I spent the whole third pregnancy not wanting it, I was very disconnected from our son and I started to drift away from the responsibilities of being a parent. I just didn't like my life anymore. I kept it bottled up though. Never told anyone. Finally, one day a friend told me to call Military OneSource (a resource center for military and their dependents). So I did, just to talk to someone. I burst into tears (the first time ever) as I told them what had happened to me. I was in counseling the next day and diagnosed with PTSD two weeks later. I stayed in counseling (one session a week) for almost a year. It helped A LOT and helped me get a firm grasp on things again.

I'm now back to loving life as a mother and as a human being as a whole. I know now that I AM worthy of living and I AM worthy of being a mother to these three beautiful children; which is what I felt I wasn't worthy of and the reason I almost died that day. I can now separate irrational thoughts, like that one, from rational ones. The irrational ones still pop into my head quite often, but I can dismiss them away more easily now.

The worst part for me is that you're never "cured" of anxiety and depression disorders. I will battle with it forever. Most days, I completely manage it. Other days, it's too much and I have to find other techniques to remove myself from situations. You definitely learn to manage and control things though. It's a glimmer of hope and what I strive for on the daily.