You Are Not Perfect

Dear Children,

I'm about to say something to you that many parents will probably gasp at and think is a horrible thing to say.  I'm going to say it anyway though, because you need to know it and you need to understand.  You are not perfect.  You are many things - you are loved, you are smart, you are funny, you are wonderfully made - but you are not perfect.  You are not perfect because you were made by two very imperfect people.  You are not perfect because it's impossible to live in this world, full of sin, and be perfect.  Only one person was ever perfect and considering you weren't born of a virgin and you aren't walking on water anytime soon - you aren't Him.

Let me explain to you why I feel you need to know that I don't think you are perfect.  Too many times in life, this cute little picture is painted of the "perfect parent" loving their "perfect children" and everything is just sunshine and rainbows.  While I certainly have my moments that I look at you and can't help but feel you are the most perfect thing I've ever laid my eyes on, the alarm goes off and you wake up all cranky telling me how mean I am for making you where pants when it's 50 degrees outside.  While I love you immensely, I don't look at you as perfect, because you aren't.  Because none of us are.  Trying to convince you that you are would be a disservice. 

You, sweet children of mine, are flawed.  You will make more mistakes in life than you'll ever be able to count.  You'll say the wrong thing and do the wrong thing.  You'll have moments when you are filled with anger and resentment.  You'll make bad decisions and have to suffer the consequences.  There may even be times that I'm so upset with you, I won't know exactly what to do.  I'll love you through it all though.  Through every imperfect moment of your entire lives, I will love you. 

Now I'm going to tell you another thing that parents probably aren't really suppose to say to their children.  *I* am not perfect.  I am flawed beyond measure.  I've made more mistakes in my life than I can count.  As your parent, I will say the wrong things and do the wrong things.  I'll have moments when I am filled with anger and resentment.  I'll make bad decisions and have to suffer the consequences.  There will be times that you're very upset with me and you'll want to runaway from home and swear that you'll never talk to me again.  I'll love you through it all though.  Through every imperfect moment of my entire life, I will love you always. 

You are not perfect, because I am not perfect.  Your Daddy is not perfect.  Your friends, your mentors, your teachers and everyone else you encounter are not perfect.  Nor should you ever feel the need to try to be "perfect" to any of them.  Know Jesus, do your best, be your best, strive for excellence, love others, be kind, don't give up - but don't try to be perfect.  You'll exhaust yourself trying to be perfect.  If you live everyday trying to be a better person than you were yesterday though, you're doing alright, kid.  You are not perfect, but you are LOVED.

I Don't Want to be Happy

I've seen so much talk lately about "I just want to be happy" or "do what makes you happy" and "I just want my children to grow up to be happy".  It makes me sad to think that happiness is the ultimate goal and strive for so many people.  Don't get me wrong, I love being happy.  I'm happy a lot of the time.  Happiness isn't a bad thing.  It just seems so shallow and vain to me.  It's such a superficial feeling.  It's fleeting.  Happiness never lasts for long and then we're just on to the next thing trying to find happiness again.  There are such greater goals and achievements in life than just being happy.  Any ol' schmuck can walk around saying he's "happy".  It's the why and the how that are much more important to me. 

Do I want my kids to be happy?  Of course.  But I want them to be "happy" because they feel invested in and truly loved.  I want them to feel "happy" because they are doing something with their life that positively impacts the world.  I don't want them walking through life seeking happiness and missing out on truly living.  Because the fact of the matter is that so many things we do in life WON'T make us happy.  Not in the moment.  The kids are going to have struggles and obstacles.  Their friends are going to be mean and spread rumors.  They are going to fail at something and question themselves.  They are going to have no idea who they are or where they are going in life.  They are going to have to get a job, pay bills, deal with obnoxious co-workers and will probably be fired at some point.  All of those things are going to make them very unhappy.  I don't want them to go through those moments simply striving to find happiness.  What I want them to do is go through those moments and learn valuable lessons.  To learn and grow and overcome.  I want them to understand love, forgiveness and joy in the midst of those tough times rather than just focusing on how happy they are on a scale of 1 to 10.  If they maneuver through everything they'll encounter in life with the mindset of "I just want to be happy", I genuinely believe they will be missing so much!  Happiness?  It comes and goes.  True joy?  Acceptance?  Love?  Those are the things that will last a lifetime and help them overcome so much.

Do I want to be happy?  Sure I do.  At what cost though?  How many people, on a daily basis, avoid certain places, discussions or people because it's difficult?  Because it doesn't make them happy?  How many people hide behind what is comfortable and convenient because it makes them happy?  How often do we stay inside our comfort zones where we feel safe and "happy", and in the process miss out on growth and experiences?  "I just want to be happy, so I'm not going to make any sacrifices that might make me unhappy (but would radically change my whole life for the better)".  When did that become the norm?  I don't say any of that to wag a shameful finger at others, but I say it to myself.  I'm so guilty of this.  I stay in my "happy place" and get content with being happy rather than pushing myself to be more.  To do more.  To feel more. 

Yes, I like feeling happy, but that shallow feeling is NOT what I long for.  I don't want to be happy..  I want to be joyful.    I want to know unconditional love.  I want peace and kindness to radiate from the core of who I am.  The things that bring happiness often times come and go.  The things that bring joy and love into my life though..... those are the things that can last a lifetime.  Some may feel it's just simply a play on words and "happiness" is no different than "joy", but when you experience the difference for yourself, there is no denying the vast difference.  I have found some of the greatest joys of my life in the midst of a situation that most definitely didn't make me happy. 

I've even talked to others about how happy I am in life.  Even I miss that mark sometimes.  I am happy.  I really am.  I do want people to feel happiness in their life.  I want my kids to be happy as often as possible.  It's deeper than that though.  I'm not just happy.  I'm not just superficially rolling through life with a smile on my face because everything is going my way.  I'm joyful.  I have reasons to smile, to keep going, to do what needs to be done even when things are difficult and trying.  Happiness doesn't have anything to do with the former.  Joy does.  Love does.  Faith does.  Hope does.  Happiness can't do half of what those other things can do.       

Out of the Mouths of Babes

Without any prompting, ask your child these questions.

Alyssa - age 9

1. What is something mommy always says to you? "How was your day?"

2. What makes mommy happy?  "When everything is clean."

3. What makes mommy sad?  "When everything is messy."

4. How does mommy make you laugh?  "By farting....."

5. What was mommy like as a child?  "I don't know.  I don't know you as a child!"

6. How old is mommy?  "32"

7. How tall is mommy?  "6 feet tall."

8. What is mommy's favorite thing to do?  "Clean"

9. What does mommy do when your not here?  "Clean"

10. If mommy became famous, what would it be for?  "Cleaning"

11. What is mommy good at?  "Cleaning"

12. What is mommy not very good at?  *shrugs*

13. What is mommy's job?  "You don't really have a job."

14. What makes you proud of mommy?  "By buying me Eeyore's"

15. What is mommy's favorite food?  "Casseroles"

16. What do you and mommy do together?  "Eat sushi!" 

17. How are you and mommy the same?  "We both like cleaning."

18. If Mommy was a cartoon character, who would she be?  "The old lady with Tweety bird."

19. How are you and mommy different?  "You like doggies, I like donkeys."

20. How do you know mommy loves you?  "You tell me every night and day and....."

21. Where is mommy's favorite place to go?  "Fleamarkets!"

22. How old was mommy when she had you?  "23"




Brayden - Age 7


1. What is something mommy always says to you?  "Stop"

2. What makes mommy happy?  "Making me happy."

3. What makes mommy sad?  "Me being sad"

4. How does mommy make you laugh?  "By being funny."

5. What was mommy like as a child?  "You were....um....everything had to be perfect!"

6. How old is mommy?  "31"

7. How tall is mommy?  "6 feet tall"

8. What is mommys favorite thing to do?  "Clean-up everything"

9. What does mommy do when your not here?  "Watch television or go on Facebook."

10. If mommy became famous, what would it be for?  "Being the cleanest person ever."

11. What is mommy good at?  "Making food."

12. What is mommy not very good at?  "I have no idea"

13. What is mommy's job?  "You don't have a job."

14. What makes you proud of mommy?  "That you love me."

15. What is mommy's favorite food?  "Steak"

16. What do you and mommy do together?  "You don't really do anything with me." 

17. How are you and mommy the same?  "We both like meat!"

18. If Mommy was a cartoon character, who would she be?  "That lady from the Tweety show."

19. How are you and mommy different?  "You like peas and I don't."

20. How do you know mommy loves you?  "You take us out to swim"

21. Where is mommy's favorite place to go?  "Goodwill"

22. How old was mommy when she had you?  "20"







Gabriel - age 10

1. What is something mommy always says to you?  "You're grounded"

2. What makes mommy happy?  "Hugs"

3. What makes mommy sad?  "Whenever you don't see Daddy for awhile."

4. How does mommy make you laugh?  "Whenever you do something funny"

5. What was mommy like as a child?  "Young"

6. How old is mommy?  "32"

7. How tall is mommy?  "6 foot 2 inches"

8. What is mommys favorite thing to do?  "Sleep"

9. What does mommy do when your not here?  "Sleep"

10. If mommy became famous, what would it be for?  "Sleeping"

11. What is mommy good at?  "Sleeping"

12. What is mommy not very good at?  "Video games"

13. What is mommy's job?  "Stay-at-home Mom"

14. What makes you proud of mommy?  "Because you're a good mom"

15. What is mommy's favorite food?  "Chinese food"

16. What do you and mommy do together?  "Watch television"

17. How are you and mommy the same?  "We both have brown hair"

18. If Mommy was a cartoon character, who would she be?  "SpongeBob Squarepants"

19. How are you and mommy different?  "You do not like video games and I love video games"

20. How do you know mommy loves you?  "Because you say it a lot"

21. Where is mommy's favorite place to go?  "Chinese"

22. How old was mommy when she had you?  "22"

I'm not nothing

Last night at a meeting I attended, our pastor shared this video with us.  Then he asked the question, "What did grace save you from?"  I hesitated for a moment.  Not because I couldn't think of an answer, but because I had too many to choose from.  The one that stuck out in the forefront of my mind though was "a nothing".  Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a nothing like me.  That's what I truly believed I was for so long.  And it's how I lived my life for so long.  I was stuck in this state of just existing.  Moving through life with no understanding of who I was, let alone who I was in Christ.  I wasn't happy, I wasn't sad, I was just..... nothing.  I felt invisible the majority of my childhood and young adult life.  I didn't have a lot of friends; I struggled with making deep, personal connections with people; I tried my best to be "good", but I was just a dumb kid that always failed miserably.  I was a believer in Jesus, but I always felt like there was nothing I could really do and I wasn't worthy of much.  That my existence didn't mean anything or have any kind of impact on the world.  "Life sucks and then we die." 

Don't get me wrong, there were happy moments.  I have a wonderful life that I'm so thankful for.  My wonderful husband.  My fantastic three children.  I have a naturally sunny disposition actually, but that didn't translate into how I felt deep down in my soul.  At the end of the day when I laid my head down on the pillow, all I felt was.... nothing.  Life is so fleeting.  Lots of people are married and have kids.  Lots of people go with the flow in life.  Lots of people lead a happy life.  Then we die and the cycle keeps going.  For some, that makes them perfectly content.  For me, it reaffirmed that I was nothing and my life had no real meaning.   

Then all the stuff happened that lead to my near-death experience.  I wish I could say I survived and was a new person, but it wasn't that simple.  That situation further impacted my theory that I was nothing and my life didn't truly matter.  In fact, I believed I was being punished.  That lead to three more years of an even deeper feeling of nothingness than in years prior.  I put on a good show and wore a mask most of the time of the happy, healthy, stay-at-home mom; but I was dying inside.  I was filled to the brim with nothingness.

I wish I could put my finger on that exact moment when I broke, but I can't exactly recall it.  I started counseling though and our family got back into church.  God slowly started to guide me back onto the path that He always intended me to be on.  I was no long filled with nothingness.  I was filled with this light and this love that I can't even begin to put into words.  It was like walking around in a black and white world, and all of the sudden everything became full of color.  All those little broken pieces were put back together.   

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a nothing like me.  I once was lost, hopeless, depressed and drowning in my own sea of nihility, but now I'm SAVED.  I was blind, but now I see. 

Through letting go and allowing God to remind me that I am not nothing, I am not the same person I was.  I still struggle sometimes with some mild depression, but it never lasts long because I have a fantastic group of friends and family that are real quick to remind me that I'm far from "nothing".  God doesn't make nothing.  He creates beauty, wonder and grace.  He created me and there's absolutely no way He created me to be nothing.  He created me to do something with this life while I'm here.  I'm bound and determined to leave a legacy.  I will not be nothing.  I refuse to be nothing.  His grace saved me and I'm eternally grateful.   

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well".  - Psalm 139:14

Settle

I often hear people talking about how they don't want to "settle".  They want the best and they don't want to have to settle for anything else.  Settling is actually a good thing though.  Settling, as defined in the dictionary is "to appoint, fix, or resolve definitely and conclusively; agree upon; to place in a desired state or in order; to cause to take up residence." I was doing my weekly devotional with Josh and he shared a tid-bit with me while reading Acts 2 about "settling" our calling in life.  Meaning, to conclusively agree upon what we are called to do in our life.  Since God is the one that gives us our gifts and callings in life, He is the one I have to settle with.  He is the one I have to conclusively agree upon with.

Now, to back track a little, Josh is the children and youth pastor at our church.  He is my "boss" so to speak while I've been taking on more duties at church.  I'm essentially his assistant.  Whatever he needs done, I help make it happen.  Lots of clerical, administrative type stuff that I love, love, love doing.  It's not just making copies or setting up meetings, it's a piece of this big puzzle that helps make everything work together.  Our church has been going through a transition lately that has really had me feeling anxious and frustrated.  After reading Acts 2, talking with Josh and him sharing that "settle" ideal - I'm feeling a lot better and I think God has revealed to me why I've been feeling so anxious and frustrated.

In Acts 2 it is shortly after the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus.  Peter is telling everyone about Jesus, His teachings, His resurrection and the Holy Spirit.  He assures everyone that He most definitely was exactly who He said He was.  The people that heard Peter speak and believed what he said were saved.  3,000 people in that one, brief encounter.  Then at the end of Acts 2, it describes something we're probably all familiar with:

"They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer.  Everyone was filled with awe at the many wonders and signs performed by the apostles.  All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need.  Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts.  They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved." - Acts 2:42-47.

The church.  They were the church.  Because "church" as most people think about it is simply a building.  Those walls and the big steeple out front isn't the church anymore than someone's living room.  People who believe in God, believe that Jesus died on the cross and rose again, people who want to learn more about God's word and apply it to their lives, people who want to spend their lives serving God and others for His glory, all those people coming together - that is the church.  WE are the church.  Josh pointed out that this is only days after Jesus' death and resurrection.  60 days or so (don't quote me on that time table.  I'm no scholar and can't recall exactly what he said).  The point is though, that after only 60 days, there was this complete transformation.  Three thousand people came to know Jesus for who He truly was and devoted their lives to Him. 

So now back to the "settle" thing and the frustrated feelings I've been having.  I really feel like I've been waiting for something amazing to happen and I don't feel like it's happening.  I feel like I want to be doing more, participating more and pushing through my barriers.  I feel like the opposite is happening.  I feel stuck.  I feel like people are leaving and moving on, I feel like people are attacking me/us (the church), I feel like all this negativity is surrounding something that should be so awesome!  In Acts 1 that I recently studied as well though, Jesus commanded his Apostles to "wait".  Just wait.  God knows what He's doing.  He can transform lives and churches in a matter of days.  We're simply in a transition.  Look what happened in Acts 2.  Three thousand people came to know Jesus that day.  We have a big community event coming up where we'll get to interact with thousands and thousands of people and then have an Easter service the next day.  We are, without a doubt, going to make Jesus known to THOUSANDS of people in a couple weekends from now.  That is exciting stuff!  And yes, some people have been leaving and spreading rumors about our church, but we've also had some really great new people come in and some old faces we haven't seen in awhile.  I just have to remember to wait and let Him do His thing instead of feeling anxious or frustrated about it. 

While I was deep cleaning and organizing the toddler room, I was thinking about that whole "settle" thing.  I could almost feel this peace come over me.  Settle.  Just wait and settle.  I know what my calling is.  I have for awhile now.  I serve.  I'm a helper.  Whatever needs to get done, I do my best to make it happen.  It just comes natural to me to have that mindset.  Well, not "natural", but God-given.  I know for a fact this is exactly where God wants me to be right now.  While I want to move outside my comfort zone and do more, I have to also stop pushing so hard to be Super Woman.  I'm doing exactly what God has called me to do and I love it, so why do I frustrate myself by thinking there's more?  This is my calling, so I need to just do it.  When God has a new calling for me, He'll reveal it.  Just because this is my calling right now doesn't mean He won't move me into other opportunities and callings later.  God is going to use me, just like He used Peter, to do exactly what He wants me to do.  As long as I'm always patient, willing to wait, willing to answer that call and fulfill His plan for my life - there is absolutely no reason for me to feel anything other than peace and joy.  And that's exactly where I'm at this morning.  I'm settled. 

 

Philippians 4:13

I was talking to a friend yesterday about recognizing how much things change and how much people grow.  That it's neat to be able to look back and see where I was in life compared to where I am now.  We were speaking specifically of "church stuff" and I mentioned that a year ago, I wasn't sure what my calling was and how quiet and reserved I was.  I was looking today though and realized that that wasn't even a year ago!  I wrote a blog in late July about starting to take the first steps to get more involved and work towards what I thought God was calling me to do.  It's only been 7 months since I decided to step outside my comfort zone and get more involved.  It's been some of the happiest months of my life.

It's interesting to look back and be able to relive how nervous and insecure I was.  Every single time I've said, "Oh no, I don't think I'd be very good at that." God sends someone into my life to encourage me to try.  Someone that gives me support and encouragement to step past what I think I can do and trust in what God knows I can do through Him.  Even when I don't excel in something, it loopholes into something great.  Sure, I didn't do so great at (insert all kinds of things here), but I met someone in the process who is a wonderful addition to my path in life that I may not have met otherwise.  Or after realizing that I'm not good at (insert even more things here) I was able to more clearly understand why I'm better at those other things.  There's always a silver lining.  There's always that blessing in disguise.

I've found myself so hungry for more.  I spent so much of my life and my walk with Christ sitting on the side lines.  I never wanted to do this, that or the other because I believed I wasn't enough.  I'm not smart enough, strong enough, friendly enough, social enough, talented enough.  And maybe I'm not - but God is.  So fine, I'm not smart enough?  Then I want to read the Bible more and ask more questions so that I can learn.  I'm not strong enough?  Then I'll learn from my experiences and draw strength instead of wallowing in negativity.  I'm not friendly or social enough?  Then I'll step outside my comfort zone and force myself into situations where I have no other choice but to be the things I want to be.  When I stop relying on what I think I can do and, instead, trust and rely on what God knows I can do through Him - what He created me to be - that's when amazing things happen.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" - Philippians 4:13

This year I'm continuing to submit.  To lean not on my own understanding, to submit to God in all things and allow Him to make my path straight.  Because He will.  Because He has and He is.  If this has been the change I see in only the last 7 months, I can't wait to see where I am in another year from now.  Another 5 years from now.  I sat stagnant for way too long.

Large and In Charge

I'm trying, yet again, to work on my weight.  I fail miserably all the stinkin' time.  It's such a taboo subject though.  People will joke and make fun of "large" people behind their backs, but when it's your friend or your family member, they are typically so nice.  They encourage them to be happy and love their curves.  I always talk myself out of working out and when I'm feeling down about how I look, my fantastic friends tell me how nice I look and that I should be happy with my body.  It just feeds my excuses to give up though.  My friends all say I'm fine, so I'll just keep doing what I'm doing.  They all tell me I should love my body, so I mine as well just accept what I have and quit being so frustrated that I can't change it. 

A good friend recently held me accountable though and said some really rough stuff.  It hurt at first, but she was so right.  I have NO room to sit around and mope about how bad I feel about my body when I'm the one that put myself in this situation.  No one force fed me unhealthy food.  No one has me locked up in a room so that I can't exercise.  No one is keeping my thyroid medication from me.  I'm lazy and then whine when I don't see any results.  Ouch.  True though.  I greatly appreciate her holding me accountable and telling me the truth out of concern for my health.

My other friends are right too though.  I should love and accept my body.  What I have to stop doing is using that as an excuse not to change.  Just because it's this way now doesn't mean it has to stay this way.  I associate this weight with "hate".  I hate my body so much that I can't find that strength and motivation to put the energy and effort into changing it.  I don't even like looking in the mirror or going out in public sometimes.  I'm convinced I'll just be this way forever.  It's time to flip that perspective though.  If I learn to love and accept this body, even at it's current state, I can open my eyes enough to finally see that I love my body so much that I want to take even better care of it.  I can hate being this weight without hating my body as a whole.  God created the human body to be a beautiful reflection of Him.  I have every reason in the world to love this body and take exceptional care of it. 

For the year 2015 I chose a word to live my life by.  I chose "Submission".  I want to submit to God in EVERY aspect of my life.  It's already proved to be challenging, but who doesn't love a good challenge?  Theodore Roosevelt said, “Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty… I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.”  For years, my weight has been an unconquerable challenge.  This year though, I submit to God, even in my struggles with weight.  I haven't been able to accomplish my goals on my own, so it's time to finally relinquish control and ask for His help in this.  It will not be easy.  It requires effort, I'll be in pain and it will be difficult.  It will be worth it though.  I want this for my life.  I want this for my spouse and my kids.  I want this for my friends who care about me and want me to be healthy.  I do this for my friend that held me accountable not because she wanted to tell me what a fatty I am, but because she believes in me enough to know that I can do this.  I might fail tomorrow, but the joy is that the next day is a new day and I can start again.  If I have to fail and start 100 times this year, I will.  I WILL do this.

A New New Year's Resolution

I'm not so great at New Year's Resolutions.  I always seem to make the same cliche' goals.  Financial security, freedom from debt, lose weight, etc.  I always seem to fail epically every single year.  I do great at first, but lose steam and finish out the year dreaming of how I may get it right next year.  It's a vicious, never-ending cycle or ups and downs.  Small victories and big failures.  Why do I torture myself and essentially set myself up for failure?

This year, I'm making no cliche' goals for myself.  I'm not gonna vow to do the traditional "lose weight" or "read more".  Instead, this year I just simply vow to be the best me I can possibly be.  I don't even know if I fully know what that is, but I'm going to allow it to happen.  The joy in that is the acceptance that I'm flawed and imperfect - and that's okay.  All that means is that there's plenty of room to learn and grow.  To change and move forward.  It means that I don't have to wait until January 1st every year to decide to do better or do more.  It means that if I mess up, which I inevitably will, I can simply brush it off and do better tomorrow. 

My goal for the year is to maintain my focus on all the good in my life, to be forever thankful of my blessings and to remember that my struggles are simply life lessons.  My goal for the year is to not focus on all the things I'm doing wrong, but instead use those mistakes and failures to motivate me to keep striving for the best me I can be.  My goal for the year is to never focus on what I don't have, but to love and be thankful for what I do have.  My goal for the year is to never allow myself to be consumed by fear, stress, frustration, guilt, jealousy or any other negative thoughts and feelings.  Will those thoughts happen?  Of course.  My goal is to not get lost in them though - to feel what I feel; pray for guidance, wisdom and forgiveness; and then move on. 

Perhaps even these goals are cliche', unreasonable or just down right silly.  The thought of it makes my heart smile though.  The thought of just being myself and allowing God to work in my life and move through me makes me feel like I can accomplish all kinds of things.  Things I've struggled for years to do on my own, I want to stop trying to control and fully trust in God so that He can guide me through them.

Hello, 2015.  I'm so ready for you!