I'm not nothing

Last night at a meeting I attended, our pastor shared this video with us.  Then he asked the question, "What did grace save you from?"  I hesitated for a moment.  Not because I couldn't think of an answer, but because I had too many to choose from.  The one that stuck out in the forefront of my mind though was "a nothing".  Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a nothing like me.  That's what I truly believed I was for so long.  And it's how I lived my life for so long.  I was stuck in this state of just existing.  Moving through life with no understanding of who I was, let alone who I was in Christ.  I wasn't happy, I wasn't sad, I was just..... nothing.  I felt invisible the majority of my childhood and young adult life.  I didn't have a lot of friends; I struggled with making deep, personal connections with people; I tried my best to be "good", but I was just a dumb kid that always failed miserably.  I was a believer in Jesus, but I always felt like there was nothing I could really do and I wasn't worthy of much.  That my existence didn't mean anything or have any kind of impact on the world.  "Life sucks and then we die." 

Don't get me wrong, there were happy moments.  I have a wonderful life that I'm so thankful for.  My wonderful husband.  My fantastic three children.  I have a naturally sunny disposition actually, but that didn't translate into how I felt deep down in my soul.  At the end of the day when I laid my head down on the pillow, all I felt was.... nothing.  Life is so fleeting.  Lots of people are married and have kids.  Lots of people go with the flow in life.  Lots of people lead a happy life.  Then we die and the cycle keeps going.  For some, that makes them perfectly content.  For me, it reaffirmed that I was nothing and my life had no real meaning.   

Then all the stuff happened that lead to my near-death experience.  I wish I could say I survived and was a new person, but it wasn't that simple.  That situation further impacted my theory that I was nothing and my life didn't truly matter.  In fact, I believed I was being punished.  That lead to three more years of an even deeper feeling of nothingness than in years prior.  I put on a good show and wore a mask most of the time of the happy, healthy, stay-at-home mom; but I was dying inside.  I was filled to the brim with nothingness.

I wish I could put my finger on that exact moment when I broke, but I can't exactly recall it.  I started counseling though and our family got back into church.  God slowly started to guide me back onto the path that He always intended me to be on.  I was no long filled with nothingness.  I was filled with this light and this love that I can't even begin to put into words.  It was like walking around in a black and white world, and all of the sudden everything became full of color.  All those little broken pieces were put back together.   

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a nothing like me.  I once was lost, hopeless, depressed and drowning in my own sea of nihility, but now I'm SAVED.  I was blind, but now I see. 

Through letting go and allowing God to remind me that I am not nothing, I am not the same person I was.  I still struggle sometimes with some mild depression, but it never lasts long because I have a fantastic group of friends and family that are real quick to remind me that I'm far from "nothing".  God doesn't make nothing.  He creates beauty, wonder and grace.  He created me and there's absolutely no way He created me to be nothing.  He created me to do something with this life while I'm here.  I'm bound and determined to leave a legacy.  I will not be nothing.  I refuse to be nothing.  His grace saved me and I'm eternally grateful.   

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well".  - Psalm 139:14