Saturday, January 10, 2015

Large and In Charge

I'm trying, yet again, to work on my weight.  I fail miserably all the stinkin' time.  It's such a taboo subject though.  People will joke and make fun of "large" people behind their backs, but when it's your friend or your family member, they are typically so nice.  They encourage them to be happy and love their curves.  I always talk myself out of working out and when I'm feeling down about how I look, my fantastic friends tell me how nice I look and that I should be happy with my body.  It just feeds my excuses to give up though.  My friends all say I'm fine, so I'll just keep doing what I'm doing.  They all tell me I should love my body, so I mine as well just accept what I have and quit being so frustrated that I can't change it. 

A good friend recently held me accountable though and said some really rough stuff.  It hurt at first, but she was so right.  I have NO room to sit around and mope about how bad I feel about my body when I'm the one that put myself in this situation.  No one force fed me unhealthy food.  No one has me locked up in a room so that I can't exercise.  No one is keeping my thyroid medication from me.  I'm lazy and then whine when I don't see any results.  Ouch.  True though.  I greatly appreciate her holding me accountable and telling me the truth out of concern for my health.

My other friends are right too though.  I should love and accept my body.  What I have to stop doing is using that as an excuse not to change.  Just because it's this way now doesn't mean it has to stay this way.  I associate this weight with "hate".  I hate my body so much that I can't find that strength and motivation to put the energy and effort into changing it.  I don't even like looking in the mirror or going out in public sometimes.  I'm convinced I'll just be this way forever.  It's time to flip that perspective though.  If I learn to love and accept this body, even at it's current state, I can open my eyes enough to finally see that I love my body so much that I want to take even better care of it.  I can hate being this weight without hating my body as a whole.  God created the human body to be a beautiful reflection of Him.  I have every reason in the world to love this body and take exceptional care of it. 

For the year 2015 I chose a word to live my life by.  I chose "Submission".  I want to submit to God in EVERY aspect of my life.  It's already proved to be challenging, but who doesn't love a good challenge?  Theodore Roosevelt said, “Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty… I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.”  For years, my weight has been an unconquerable challenge.  This year though, I submit to God, even in my struggles with weight.  I haven't been able to accomplish my goals on my own, so it's time to finally relinquish control and ask for His help in this.  It will not be easy.  It requires effort, I'll be in pain and it will be difficult.  It will be worth it though.  I want this for my life.  I want this for my spouse and my kids.  I want this for my friends who care about me and want me to be healthy.  I do this for my friend that held me accountable not because she wanted to tell me what a fatty I am, but because she believes in me enough to know that I can do this.  I might fail tomorrow, but the joy is that the next day is a new day and I can start again.  If I have to fail and start 100 times this year, I will.  I WILL do this.

Thursday, January 1, 2015

A New New Year's Resolution

I'm not so great at New Year's Resolutions.  I always seem to make the same cliche' goals.  Financial security, freedom from debt, lose weight, etc.  I always seem to fail epically every single year.  I do great at first, but lose steam and finish out the year dreaming of how I may get it right next year.  It's a vicious, never-ending cycle or ups and downs.  Small victories and big failures.  Why do I torture myself and essentially set myself up for failure?

This year, I'm making no cliche' goals for myself.  I'm not gonna vow to do the traditional "lose weight" or "read more".  Instead, this year I just simply vow to be the best me I can possibly be.  I don't even know if I fully know what that is, but I'm going to allow it to happen.  The joy in that is the acceptance that I'm flawed and imperfect - and that's okay.  All that means is that there's plenty of room to learn and grow.  To change and move forward.  It means that I don't have to wait until January 1st every year to decide to do better or do more.  It means that if I mess up, which I inevitably will, I can simply brush it off and do better tomorrow. 

My goal for the year is to maintain my focus on all the good in my life, to be forever thankful of my blessings and to remember that my struggles are simply life lessons.  My goal for the year is to not focus on all the things I'm doing wrong, but instead use those mistakes and failures to motivate me to keep striving for the best me I can be.  My goal for the year is to never focus on what I don't have, but to love and be thankful for what I do have.  My goal for the year is to never allow myself to be consumed by fear, stress, frustration, guilt, jealousy or any other negative thoughts and feelings.  Will those thoughts happen?  Of course.  My goal is to not get lost in them though - to feel what I feel; pray for guidance, wisdom and forgiveness; and then move on. 

Perhaps even these goals are cliche', unreasonable or just down right silly.  The thought of it makes my heart smile though.  The thought of just being myself and allowing God to work in my life and move through me makes me feel like I can accomplish all kinds of things.  Things I've struggled for years to do on my own, I want to stop trying to control and fully trust in God so that He can guide me through them.

Hello, 2015.  I'm so ready for you!