Go Tell It On the Mountain

It's not exactly a secret that I'm not in the best physical shape of my life (and that's putting it nicely).  There are lots of things I just can't do because I don't have the energy, I weigh too much, my body aches or I don't have the stamina to keep up.  It's something I've struggled with for years. 

Two months ago, I set a goal for myself.  I was going to start working out and, on October 11th, I wanted to do something I had never done before.  Climb Pinnacle Mountain.  Not only have I never been physically fit enough, but I also have a great fear of heights.  I have anxieties about being up on a mountain and not being able to get help if I need it.  I freak out at the thought of once I'm up there, I'm up there.  There is no quick and easy way back down.  You just have to do it. 

Sadly, October 11th came and went.  The weather was bad and it turned out to be a busy day full of other obligations and family activities.  Today though, October 16th the kids were out of school, the weather was gorgeous and there wasn't an excuse in the world not to finally meet my goal.

I started out strong.  All three kids and my brother, Ben, were with me.  I can't give up if my children are watching, right?  Right.  It's a very steep and "strenuous" trail up to the summit.  I got about a 1/4 up and was a mess.  I hurt, my pulse was racing, I was sweating and was psyching myself out.  Not in a good way.  I sat on a rock and told the kids to keep going.  I tried to catch my breath and started to cry.  "I'm failing!  I can't do this!"  I'm sure the other hikers passing by thought I was nuts.  I rested for a few minutes though, brushed myself off and kept going.  I wasn't winning a marathon, but I was doing it!

At about the halfway point, I stopped for a good breather and a photo op.  I was pretty high up.  My anxieties were setting in, but I wanted to enjoy the beauty rather than allow myself to freak out at the fact that I was up so high.  Pictures were a great distraction.  I was still doing it!  I was half way up the mountain and I wasn't dead yet!














We headed up a little further and came to a few signs warning us that we were nearing the top.  It got steeper and steeper.  I had to stop several times to catch my breath and rest.  I found myself counting the stones on the path to keep my mind occupied.  Other hikers were passing me.  Some had already gone up and come back down.  I was starting to judge myself and feeling so pathetic.  Kids were bounding up and down the trail while I huffed and puffed.  People twice my age were jogging, JOGGGING, the trail and barely breaking a sweat.  I wondered if they looked at me with the same pathetic judgment that I looked at myself with.  I stopped myself though.  Everyone else is enjoying themselves and loving the view.  I'm the only one thinking such harsh things about myself.  "Stop it, Glenna.  You're doing this." 

We reached a point where there was nowhere to go but up.  A sign depicted a small map showing us two different routes.  One a little easier than the other.  I stupidly misread it and took the more difficult path.  It was just boulders to climb instead of an actual path.  Boulders.  Loose, jiggly, random boulders with no obvious rhyme or reason.  No path to make me feel like I was going the right way.  No more stones placed like steps for me to focus on.  Just random boulders that I had to shimmy my fat butt up.  Are you kidding me?  

To me, these are the things nightmares are made out of.  I trudged on, talking to myself the whole time.  "It's just like stairs.  It's fine.  Nothing is going to happen."  Alyssa and Ben had gone so far ahead by this point that we couldn't see them anymore.  It was just me, Brayden and Gabe.  They were ahead of me cheering me on.  Telling me that it was fun, safe and I could do it.  God bless those sweet boys.  There was a tree about halfway up that I grabbed onto to help pull myself forward and when I went to take another step, I couldn't bring myself to let go of that tree.  I looked over my shoulder and could see the Arkansas river.  We were really high up now.  I looked down behind me and saw the wall of boulders I was climbing up.  I could feel my mind starting to go completely fuzzy.  Not that I was going to pass out, but that I was going to FREAK out!  And freak out, I did.  I grabbed the tree with both arms, hugging it like it was a life saver.  I started to hyperventilate a little and told the boys to go ahead to the bench.  "Momma is freaking out.  I just need a minute."  I started crying uncontrollably, sobbing, trying to catch my breath.  A few more people hiked past giving me that look and I just shook my head at them.  I was fully aware of my freak out.  I was desperately trying to bring myself back out of it, but I just needed to let myself freak out for a second. 

I heard Brayden start to come back down towards me and say, "I'm getting scared too, Momma."  I looked up to see tears in his eyes while Gabe was standing a little further up telling us we could go back down if we wanted.  "No!  No, Glenna!  You are NOT going to make your kids scared of things just because you are scared of things.  We are not quitters!  Suck it up and keep going!"  So that's what I did.  I let go of the tree and grabbed Brayden's hand.  I told him that I was just feeling overwhelmed, needed to freak out for a second, but I was good.  We got to the top of the seemingly endless boulder wall and sat down for some water.  I assured the boys that even though this was scary for me, that I wanted to do it.  That none of us were giving up! We're doing this.  And I was!

After the big boulder wall of doom was the final ascension to the summit.  They were no longer boulders, but just jagged, random rocks.  It was the top of the mountain.  I'm not sure what I really expected, but it was do or die time.  I thought the boulder wall was bad?  This was even steeper.  The top was literally right there though, so onward and upward!  That last little bit took the longest, I think.  I'd climb over a couple rocks and have to stop.  This went on for 15 or 20 minutes probably.  I refused to look around and focused only on the rocks.  It wasn't Mount Everest, but it sure seemed like it to me. 

I was almost at my point of completely breaking down again when I put my knee up on a beautifully smooth, cool rock and didn't see another rock above that to move too.  I. Was. At. The. Top.  I MADE IT!  I took a deep breath, sat on the rock, looked around and...... I vomited.  Sorry, but I did.  I was exhausted, I had pushed myself past my physical and mental breaking point and I quite literally had to release the tension.  I regained my composure though and took it all in.  I was really high up, but I was sitting atop a beautiful, sturdy mountain that wasn't going anywhere.  I was safe.  I was fine.  The boys sat with me for a few minutes and we just stared into the distance.  It sucked, it was hard, I thought I wanted to quit, I thought I would fail - but I did it.  I was there.  I had conquered my Mount Everest!