Take My Life - Lead Me, Lord

I've been struggling for awhile now trying to figure out what it is that God is calling me to do.  I thought maybe something to do with music, but after talking with Kristen (our church's worship leader), I knew that wasn't quite right.  My heart just belongs to the children's ministry.  Maybe being better about singing and working with the kids on Sundays?  Yeah, maybe.  That feels a little better.  I'm on the right path.  I know God's wanting more out of me though.

Then, on Saturday, I had a bit of an epiphany.  This was my facebook post from that day:

"While mowing a friends lawn today, I found myself talking to God. Asking Him some questions and hoping for some clarity about some things that are going on in my life. Just simply to enjoy the moment alone to clear my thoughts while I worked. Then it got hotter and hotter, the grass got harder and harder to cut, the mower kept poopin' out - before I knew it my calm, patient conversation with God had turned into a whiney-fest. I was hot, frustrated and wondering why the heck I volunteered to mow on the hottest day we've had in weeks. Am I glutton for punishment?!?! Is God testing me?! What's the deal!!!??!! I quite literally groaned out loud, "Could you at least send me a cool breeze or something?!?!" Not even a minute later, I heard the rumble of a loud engine and looked over to see the neighbor on a riding lawn mower offering to mow everything I hadn't done yet.

OK, God. I hear ya. A big mower that could plow down all that thick grass was definitely better than a cool breeze.  I'm thankful for my lesson in remaining patient, humble and remembering that I really don't need to worry too much. To serve where I can and God will take care of the rest. I love those moments when God quite literally answers all of my questions and prayers within the hour. lol — feeling humbled."

He answered my prayers quite specifically.  Leaps and bounds above what I was even asking.  I just wanted a cool breeze and He sent a riding lawn mower to do the job for me.  That's when I knew for certain that I'm being called to serve others, wherever that might be.  I have lots of skills, lots of talents and lots of resources to make things happen - just use them!  Just go!  That was the lesson God was teaching me and guiding me in.  Serve others, selflessly and with a humble heart, and let Him take care of the rest.  He knows when I'm tired and frustrated, but there's always something bigger going on.   I've done some odd things lately that I don't advertise that I know how to do (mostly because I don't actually know how to do them!  lol)  Yet almost every single day for two weeks, I've been given opportunity after opportunity to help someone out a little.  Sometimes it's a simple, mindless little task like mowing and other times it's something more significant. 

Then today at church, a sweet friend named Connie stopped to talk to me for a second.  She said some of the kindest, most encouraging words anyone has ever said to me.  She said she can tell God is calling me to do important things and that I'm already becoming such a wonderful leader without even realizing it.  WHAT?!  Me?  A leader?  No, no, no.  I don't think so.  Very nice of her to say, but I'm no leader.  Her words were heavy on my heart though.  The exact same heaviness (not in a bad way) I had been feeling for a few weeks.  That feeling that I'm being called to do something specific and I must figure out what it is.  As much as I don't view myself as a leader, her words stuck with me.

A moment later, good ol' Josh came over to talk.  He's the Children's Ministry Leader.  Super awesome, enthusiastic guy that does great things with the kids and youth.  He asked me if I had a minute to talk.  He proceeded to extend a fantastic opportunity to me that will really allow me to get to know more people.  To get involved in church at a completely different level.  Not only will I get to serve others, but I would get to be part of the process of helping other people serve others!  How amazing is that?!  And all of this would be in direct relation to serving in the Children's Ministry.  My sweet infants, toddlers and preschool-aged kids that I simply adore.  I haven't given him an answer yet, but it's a REALLY exciting opportunity that I'm praying about and seriously considering.  Although, I think it may be a no brainer what my decision will be. 

I've said it before and I'll say it again - I have NEVER more clearly heard God speaking to me and moving in my life as I have since becoming an active member at ThatChurch.  (http://thatchurch.com/)  I'm so very excited to see what God does with me next.  I hear ya, God.  I'm listening.  Use me!

Happiness Becomes Her

I wish I could put my finger on it.  I wish I could explain to others why I'm so happy in my life.  Things aren't perfect.  Far from it actually.  We have financial struggles that we don't discuss with others.  We have flaws within our marriage that we quarrel over and constantly work on.  I'm not as productive as a stay-at-home mother/wife as I thought I would be.  I fail miserably at parenting at least a few times every day.  I am an incredibly flawed person with so many things that could really keep me down.  I'm happy though.  Truly happy.  The flaws and imperfections are part of what drive me to do better tomorrow.  They are my built-in reminder that there's always something more in my future.  If everything was perfectly perfect.... what's left to do in life?  Having so much to work on and work towards, to me, is a message that I'm not done yet.  That my future is long and bright.  I guess some would look at it in the opposite light.  The imperfections could be a constant reminder of failure.  "Life sucks and then we die."  True, I suppose, but it's a lot more entertaining and worthwhile to find the good rather than being consumed by the bad.  That's my optimism speaking. 

Many people roll their eyes at the notion that God plays a big part in my happiness, but it's true.  Others don't have to believe nor understand, but in furthest reaches of my soul, I truly believe that's the root of it all.  My religious beliefs have given me the tools necessary to cope with things beyond my control.  Life does suck and we will all die at some point, but what you do with everything in between is what matters.  I look at my husband and I look at our children and I can't help but think, how can I not be happy?  Things don't have to be perfect to be happy.  There are a million different blessings hidden inside all of the crap in the world and our lives.  I'll miss it if I spend too much time wallowing in the crappy stuff.  I have missed it in the past several times.  Never again though.

I may not be able to pin-point how or why I seem to get it now.  Why I understand the things I understand or view things the way I view them.  Maybe it came with age.  Maybe it came with being involved in a church family that really encourages and loves me.  Perhaps it's just something engrained in me somewhere.  I have no idea.  All I know is that I'm happy.  The good, the bad and the indifferent - I thank God for all of it.  I am truly blessed.

Epiphanies at the Gym

I had a bit of an epiphany today at the gym. I've still been going every morning (I think it's finally 'habit' and not so much a chore), but I still constantly judge myself harshly. "She's thinner than me." "He can do more laps than me." "She can keep a faster pace than me" "I'll never meet my goals like they have met theirs". I would still find myself looking at other people and comparing myself to them. I want her legs and I want my butt to look like that and dear Lord please let me be that skinny someday.

But TODAY I went to the gym and didn't wish for someone else's body or to reach someone else's goal. I found myself accepting that THIS is my body and it will look how it looks - and that's okay. I may never be a size 2 like the girl on the treadmill every morning - and that's okay. That's her body and this is my body. My body will never be like someone else's.

While I still have insecurities about my body and being at the gym, I find myself being a little less harsh and a lot more reasonable every single day. I WILL get there. It takes time, but it will happen. Those people are at the gym to maintain the body they have and I am at the gym to get back to the body I want. Both PERFECTLY okay. Maybe it's a realization everyone else has already firmly grasped, but it was a BIG deal for me.

True Christmas Blessings

People often mention that I come off a little scrooge-ish when it comes to the holidays.  I don't like to decorate, I hate all the clutter associated with the holidays and I hate spending money on things that just aren't necessary.  Sure some of the holiday stuff is really cute and I'd like to have it if I had disposable income coming out of my you-know-what, but I just can't justify it.  Not only that, but I just don't find joy in it.  Some people do, and that's fantastic, but it's just not my thing. 

I find too often that during the holiday season people get borderline obsessed with "things".  That perfect gift, that certain wrapping paper, the tree looking just so.  I see people trample over one another to grab the hottest electronic of the season and I see families fight because a child knocked over a fancy Christmas vase or wouldn't stop touching the expensive ornaments on the tree.  It's all just stuff, yet people are willing to cause people physical harm over it.  Why?  It's just stuff.  People constantly boast about "the true meaning of Christmas", but very few actually live it.  There is a balance where you can do both, I've seen it with my own eyes, but very few people pull it off. 

I know for a fact I wouldn't be able to pull it off, hence the reason I don't participate much at all.  I don't want the "stuff" to consume our lives.  I don't want to build sheds or cram our attic full of "stuff" just to store decorations that get used one month out of the year.  I don't want to panic every time the kids get too close to the tree because they might break something.  I don't want to stress that I didn't get something someone really wanted for Christmas when we already are blessed with so much.  It's too easy to be consumed by materialistic things.  It seems like the holiday season just embodies that for so many people.

So my goal is to raise our children to have an understanding of the true meaning of Christmas.  For us, that means the birth of Jesus Christ.  It means looking back on the year and remembering all the blessings we had.  It means ending the year together with plans and dreams for the future.  Yes, it also means a few gifts and other common holiday traditions, but I want that to be the added bonus, not the root of it all.

So call me a Scrooge if you must.  It's far from what I'm attempting to do though.  If anything, in the story of Scrooge, I'd say I'm more like Bob Cratchit.  Just a mild-mannered person dedicated to my family that wants everyone to be happy, healthy and loved.  Everything else is just a bonus. 

Don't Look Back

As I sit here and still struggle with letting go of a friendship (see previous post), I find myself constantly talking myself out of looking back.  I agreed to let go, I took all the necessary steps to let go, yet I still experience all kinds of things that make me think, "Ha!  *Former friend* would love this" or just wanting to go to some of our favorite hangouts.  That, in turn, results in me pouring my heart out to said former friend to remind her that I'm still around and I still care.

The trouble I'm having is that we originally agreed to let go of the fight we had and see where the friendship went.  Over the last several months, I've made numerous attempts to reach out to her.  I've sent well wishes, I've let her know that I'm thinking of her, I've offered congratulations on several things happening in her life, etc.  All with absolutely no response.  At this point, we've only seen/talked to each other twice.  Both were times that I made myself available at the drop of a hat because she needed something.  To vent about work stuff and to help with the kids when she was sick.  Which I don't mind doing at all.  We all need assistance from time to time.  Problem is, it's the only time we've talked. 

I don't want to be used, stepped on and walked all over.  I refuse to let my kindness be taken advantage of.  So now I find myself in a new place.  A place of...... anger and disappointment.  Not only do I need to make sure that I let go, but I have to stop looking back.  It's come to the point that it is crystal clear how this is all turning out.  No relationship (friendship, dating, marriage, family, etc) can mend when only one person is putting themselves out there and trying to make things work.  What I need to accept is that I have no control or power over how other people choose to do things.  I did my best.  I apologized and I tried to rebuild the relationship.  It's all anyone can do by themselves, so the rest is beyond my control.  Letting go is fine, but now I have to make sure I don't look back.  Otherwise the hurt, anger, disappointment and resentment will just keep building .

The friendship may be over, but I still care for her as a person.  I don't want those feelings of anger and resentment being what I associate with her.  It's time to move on.  Truly move on.  It's time to simply remember the good times we did have and leave it at that.  I'm thankful for the friendship while it lasted and wish her nothing but success, happiness and blessings in the future.  Even though it means I don't get to be a part of any of it. 

Our California Vacation: Part 7 - Disney's California Adventure

This is the second park of the Disneyland resort.  This park has less character/movie rides and more thrill rides.  Gabe and I were very excited.  The others were nervous, to say the least.  We started off our morning very similar to our Disney day.  California Adventure has a 50's theme that we really liked.  It was just cool and calm. The park wasn't officially opened yet, so we wandered through the many shops just in time to get towards the front as they opened the gates.


We stumbled upon a familiar blue monster and, as usual, Brayden was the only one that wanted to go say hello.  Then we hopped on Monsters Inc the ride.  Hollywood Tower of Terror was just across the street, but no one would ride it with me.  We headed to A Bug's Life instead.  It was really cute how you truly felt like you were in the movie.  Every little detail made you feel like you were a teeny tiny bug, just like in the movie.  Blades of grass two stories high, lightning bugs as street lights, match boxes as the seat to our little car..... it was just really cute and fun.

After riding everything (twice) in Bug's Land, we came around the corner to the area I was probably most excited about.  CARS LAND!  As you turn to face down main street of Radiator Springs, it quite literally looked exactly like the movie.  This was another moment when I had this overwhelming feeling of this is Disney.  This is that feeling everyone is always talking about.  I felt like a kid and I like I was standing inside my favorite movie.  

  We did everything Radiator Springs had to offer.  Billy even rode the Cars ride, which he insisted was a "roller coaster".  It was yet another ride that turned him a little green.  In fact, I don't think he rode anything else the entire day.  He was done, done, done, done, done.  We decided to just take it easy after that.  We strolled through Radiator Springs.  Saw a few "friends" and just soaked it all up. 

Everyone talks about some of the amazing food at Disney.  We tried several of the must-haves, but our favorite was a big, giant loaf of sourdough bread at the Wharf.  It was delicious and just the carb snack we needed to get us through the other half of the park.  This thing was the size of a person's head.  Brayden's head, to be exact.  We nibbled on this thing for quite some time.  Even after all five of us had our fill, there was still plenty to put in the bag and save for later.  It was delicious and I highly recommend it if anyone ever goes for a visit.

After our snack, we went to the area of the park known as the boardwalk.  It's filled with lots of really fun, traditional-type amusement park rides.  Including the craziest ferris wheel I think I've ever seen.  The thing was taller than I can even begin to guess and had two riding options.  You could either sit in a stationary bucket, like we did.  Or you could sit in one of the buckets that rolled back and forth along a track.  So as the whole thing slowly spun, some of the buckets would roll to the outer edges of the wheel and sling you out like you were gonna go right off the edge.  Then you'd roll back towards the center of the wheel.  Not cool. 

We rounded off the day with multiple rides on some of the kids' favorites.  We even dragged Billy onto a water raft ride down Grizzly mountain.  I know you're not supposed to get angry while at the happiest place on earth, but I do believe that Billy was angry with me.  He did not enjoy that ride anymore than he enjoyed the 'roller coaster' in Cars Land.  He fussed at me and told me I lied to him about the "small drops" down the river.  You would think that I shoved him off the side of a 4 story building the way he tells the story. 

It was very cold that evening, so we headed home before closing.  We had dinner in Downtown Disney and rode the bus home for yet another very peaceful, relaxing nights sleep.  I've said it before and I will say it again.  Disneyland was AMAZING!

Our California Adventure: Part 6 - DISNEYLAND

I woke up very early on this particular morning.  It was one of the coolest days thus far.  I tried to get dressed and ready as quietly as possible, but I was just too excited.  We were FINALLY going to Disneyland.  All the other stuff had been fun and exciting, but this was the reason we came to California. 

I finally couldn't take it anymore and threw all the curtains back and shouted, "GOOD MORNING!  IT'S DISNEY DAY!"  As expected, I was the only one that was super excited.  Everyone rolled out of bed and got dressed.  We gathered our essentials for the day and headed downstairs.  It was still about hour until the Disney bus route opened.  There was a shop connected to our hotel building, so we grabbed muffins for breakfast and shopped around the store to kill time.  That took up all of about 20 minutes.  We decided to just sit at the bus stop to eat and wait.

To my surprise and delight, the bus pulled up not too long after.  It started running early for whatever reason.  After a very short ride, we were there!  We pulled through the "Welcome to Disneyland" sign and the bus dropped us off right at the gates.  I was a little weary when we got to the gates and I saw all the Halloween decor.  I love Halloween, but I wanted to experience the magic of the original Disneyland, not Halloween stuff. 

I'm happy to report that it made no difference at all.  The park was still just as magical and pretty with all the fall decorations.  It just made it even more festive and magical.  It felt like a beautiful fall morning and Disney looked like a beautiful fall morning.  It was perfection.  We were early though, so we had to stand in line waiting for the gates to open.  Pinocchio hung around to greet us as we patiently waited and the kids read the names on the brick sidewalk.  Time flew by, really.  It was chillier than I realized though and the kids were whining about that.  Because it's not a vacation with the kids if there isn't at least a little bit of whining. 

The gates finally opened and we all walked in together.  Unfortunately, I missed that moment of the heaven's opening up and trumpets sounding because we had to all make an emergency break for the bathrooms.  Priorities, priorities.  After a quick bathroom break though and regrouping, we walked around the train station and towards Main Street, USA.  When you looked down the street, you could see Sleeping Beauty'scastle.  Brace yourselves for this part..... I was underwhelmed.  It was a castle, but more like a castle that you'd see as a prop for the high school play.  I just wasn't impressed. 

Since you couldn't actually go past Main Street yet (the park wasn't officially open for ANOTHER hour), we went to customer service to get our "First Time Guest" buttons.  Alyssa, Daddy and I proudly wore ours.  The boys tossed theirs in the backpack.  LOL  Then we just browsed all the shops.  There were a LOT of shops.  Some were just souvenir-type places, others were fancy jewelry stores, crystal galleries, custom tiaras, coffee shops, candy boutiques, fancy restaurants..... it was just a plethora of shiny, yummy must-haves.  We ended up grabbing a corn dog.  Again, that's how we roll.    

Oh, and Brayden met Goofy along the way.  Brayden was definitely the only one particularly interested in the characters.  The rest of us would just kind of wave and move on.  They are neat to see and all, but..... eh. Brayden wanted to say hello, hug them, get a picture and interact with them though.  And not just a little side hug.  Nope, a full-on, giant bear hug!  He was totally in to it.  My sweet, little Brayden.

Then...... the music sounded, the announcer welcomed us and Disneyland was officially open!

Our first stop was what Brayden was most excited about.  The Indiana Jones ride.  He's quite the fan of the movies and just knew that the ride was going to be the best thing ever.  No one else wanted to ride it, so it was just the two of us.  He proudly strutted past all the jungle trees and across a rope bridge.  I could barely keep up he was walking so fast.  He was just too excited for words.  Then we had to walk into the temple.  His pace slowed a bit.  Then you turned a corner and started towards what looked like a mine.  The lights flickered and there were some creepy noises.  Brayden promptly spun on his heels and started back the way he came.  LOL  Some a-hole guy behind us wasn't helping.  He was making ghost sounds and talking about all the bad stuff that was going to happen.  Total jerk.  I picked Brayden up and carried him the rest of the way. 

There are so many things to look at, even in just the ride lines, that it was easy to distract him.  There were signs warning me not to step on certain stones on the floor, so he finally perked up and helped me with that.  He got back down and helped me navigate the dungeon or mine or whatever it was we were in.  We finally got up to where you load onto the ride.  We got into the truck, fastened our seatbelts and Brayden hid his face in my arm.  The ride was really neat and fun.  Brayden didn't see any of it.  He did finally open his eyes at the very end when Indiana Jones is hanging from a vine and the big giant rolling rock comes after us.  That's the last few seconds of the ride though.  We pulled up to unload and you would have thought that he just conquered the world!  He hopped out and said, "THAT WAS AWESOME!".  Reminder: He hid his face the ENTIRE TIME!  :)  It didn't matter though.  He rode it and it was awesome.  His life was complete.


After that, we headed towards Critter Country.  As excited as Brayden was for Indiana Jones, Alyssa was ten times as excited to get to the Hundred Acre Wood in Critter Country.  Because who lives in the Hundred Acre Wood?  None other than Eeyore.  She's waited her whole life to meet that donkey and she could barely contain herself.  First, we found the Pooh ride.  She knew she was getting closer.  Then we saw Eeyore's house!  Her eyes lit up.  Eeyore couldn't be far.  She did note that it was a rather small house for such a big donkey.  No wonder he was always so sad.  There was practically no line for the ride, so we all got on.  You see Eeyore a few times on the ride, but she wasn't satisfied.  There had to be more.  We exited the ride and walked through a small souvenir shop.  Side note: They had almost NOTHING Eeyore related.  A few stuffed toys, but that was it.  No t-shirts, no backpacks, no ears, no necklaces - nothing.  We were rather disappointed. 

We left the shop, walked around the corner and there he was!  Eeyore, in the flesh..... er..... furr!  We got in line to meet him and Alyssa was a little anxious.  She wasn't sure if she wanted to hug him or not.  Brayden and I volunteered to stand next to him in the picture and she could stand wherever she felt comfortable.  She hesitantly stood next to him, but wouldn't touch him.  We all smiled for the picture and I pulled away from him to try to give Alyssa the opportunity to get a little closer if she wanted.  I said, "Eeyore - this is Alyssa.  She's your biggest fan."  Eeyore turned towards her and bent down just a little.  He patted her on the head and rubbed her arm.  *sniffle*  I tear up every time I retell this story.  The look on her face was priceless.  All her worries and fears melted away.  She was in heaven!  They held hands and she rubbed his paw.  She looked up at me and said, "Momma, he's so soft" and just snuggled up against him.  *sniffle again*  We said our goodbyes, waved and told him to have a good day.  Now Alyssa was the one that felt complete and could die happy.  She met Eeyore - and it was everything she had hoped it would be. 

The youngest two had things they were really excited to see or do, but the eldest child?  He wasn't very enthusiastic about anything.  In fact, he wasn't having the best day.  In his defense, he had every right to be a little pouty.  All of the rides at Disneyland were 2 or 4 riders.  Because of Brayden's age, he had to ride with an adult.  Because Alyssa was nervous and scared of practically every ride, she needed to be with an adult.  That left Gabe as the odd man out.  Every single ride that day he rode solo.  Even if he was in the same section of the ride as us, he didn't have a partner to sit with.  That'll put anyone in a foul mood.  I felt really terrible for him.  So we rode some things multiple times so that he could ride with someone.  That didn't make him feel any better though.  He also just wasn't into any of the rides.  Nothing really perked his interest.  He did have quite the smile on the Dumbo ride though.  It went faster and higher than he realized.  Since he was a solo rider, he got to control it and do whatever he wanted.  He loved it. 

He was also the only one tall/old enough to ride solo at Autopia.  So he got to drive a car all by himself.  When it was over, he said, "It's really hard to push the gas pedal, steer and pay attention to where you're going."  Tell me about it, kid.  We spent the rest of the day riding rides and watching shows.  We watched Storm Troopers fight off Jedis while we ate lunch.  We went into Tony Stark's Iron Man room and saw all the suits.  We played with all the cool gadgets in "The House of the Future".  We were just soaking in all the sights and sounds that Disney had to offer.  Some major rides were closed due to prepping them for Halloween and/or yearly maintenance.  It was one of the cons of going in the off season.  Practically no wait time for the rides and very small crowds was definitely worth it though.  I'd do it again. 


Towards the end of our first day, we found the Toy Story ride.  Gabe finally perked up and showed a little interest.  "This might be fun", he said.  It was another two-seater ride, so he frowned as he got into the seat alone.  Then he realized that this was a shooting game!  Since he was riding solo, he got to use both guns!  His frown immediately turned into a devious grin.  We all started shooting the bad guys and trying our best to rack up as many points as possible.  Gabe was quite boastful that he had the most points.  Having control of two guns does have its perks.  I was sad that it took all day, but it made my heart smile to finally see him smiling and excited about how much fun he was having. 

We rounded out the evening by buying a couple ridiculously priced Mickey balloons and chose our spot for the parade.  The sun was starting to go down, bright lights popped up from the tops of the buildings on Main Street and the music began.  As the band rounded the corner and I could see Mickey and Minnie dancing on the float, it was probably the first time all day that I really, truly felt like THIS is Disney!  It was fun, energetic, festive and just pure Disney joy.  I really loved the parade.  It was also the first time I realized that the performers that work at Disney are legit!  These aren't just average joes that dress up and walk around.  There is some real, actual talent.  Musicians, dancers, actors..... these people are ta-len-ted!

Our first official day at Disney was over.  Brayden was asleep (he slept through the entire parade actually), Alyssa was ready for dinner and Gabe wanted to go check out the Lego store in downtown Disney.  We ate a nice, big dinner at the Rain Forest Cafe and browsed through all the stores at downtown Disney.  It was a really great day.  We had so much fun, in fact, that we ended up missing our bus and had to walk back to the hotel.  It really wasn't that far though and gave us time to just be calm and unwind.  I can honestly say that I have absolutely no recollection of entering our hotel room and laying down in bed.  We were all zonked and slept like babies that night.  A day at the happiest place on earth leads to a night of the best sleep of your life.  We all slept like peacefully that night.