Letting Go

Letting go is so hard to do.  I've gotten pretty good at letting go of stress and anger and things like that, but letting go of a friendship that was so near and dear to my heart?  It's a really difficult thing to do.  Once you realize that there's quite literally nothing that you can ever say or do to mend what's broken though - letting go becomes the only option.  I'm trying to find peace and comfort in leaving it all up to God, but I have to admit that it's still not really helping.  I'm heartbroken.  I'm devastated.  I still had so much hope that maybe, just maybe, the friendship would survive. 

We've been friends for several years and supported each other through some heavy stuff.  I was getting very uncomfortable about a certain situation in her life and, instead of talking to her about it, I held my feelings in.  She needed support and understanding.  It was about her, not me.  Telling her how I felt about the situation rather than just listening to her would have hurt her feelings.  So I kept it all to myself.  The problem was that I kept it in too long.  It festered and grew into this frustration and disgust that I couldn't contain anymore.  It probably never would have even gotten to that level had I talked to her about it weeks prior.  I didn't though.  That was the first half of my mistake.  The other half is the part where I finally blew up and vented to "the enemy" about the situation.  The very last person I should have said anything to, and that's the person that I spilled my guts to.  Huge, huge mistake.  I knew what I had said would hurt her.  I knew that the words I chose were not loving, kind nor constructive.  It was a verbal diarrhea rant that she never should have to see/hear.  When you "chat" all those words online though, it's inevitable that they'll be seen.  And they were.  And they hurt.  And that sucks. 

Despite my best efforts to explain that it wasn't an intentional attack, my countless apologies, and doing whatever I could think of to prove that it was just a moment of weakness on my part that won't happen again..... I don't think our friendship is going to make it.  Which, for lack of a better word, sucks.  It royally sucks, actually.  It sucks because I hurt my dear friend so deeply.  It sucks because I'm hurt too, but because I'm the bad guy in all of this, I "deserve" it.  Years of friendship; years of telling each other our deepest, darkest secrets; years of trust, support and encouragement; years of dropping whatever I was doing to be there for her at a moment's notice - all of those things are overshadowed by one really screwed up incident.  It makes me feel like I'm easily disposed of.  I feel abandoned.  I feel like nothing I ever did prior to that mistake meant anything.  One bad cancels out millions of good.  That's a really, really crappy feeling.  Maybe it's not supposed to be about me, but always putting my friends' feelings first and completely ignoring my own are what got me into this predicament in the first place.  So I'm letting myself feel it.

I have to accept the fact that it's time to let go.  I hate to, but I have to.  I still want to have so much hope.  She'll never forget the pain I caused though.  I can't keep beating myself up and trying to fix something that I alone can't fix.  We're either in it together or we aren't.  At this point, we aren't.  The optimistic side of me wants to hold onto that small glimmer of hope that maybe someday soon the tides will change.  I just really don't see it happening though.  I have to just let it all go and let it be whatever it's going to be.  Dear God, I don't want to though.  It's like losing a sister.  It's like losing a friend-soul-mate.  Even when she got on my very last nerve and annoyed the holy hell out of me - she was still my best friend.  I don't want to have to say goodbye to that.

Disney Time

It's here!  It's here!  It's finally, really here!  A year and a half of educating myself and making our plans.  Months upon months of saving so that we can have a really great time and do all the thing we want to do.  Countless hours spent online making reservations, dealing with airline changes, driving people crazy with my Disney status updates and questions.  Not only am I truly 100% ready to go, but it's safe to say that everyone else is too - just so that I'll finally shut up about it.

After what seems like a lifetime of waiting - it's finally time.  We're going.  We're really, really going.  And it's going to be fantastic! 

Here A Shoe, There A Shoe, Everywhere A Shoe Shoe!

I think the thing I remember getting fussed at the most for as a kid was CONSTANTLY misplacing my shoes.  It'd be time for school, time to go the grocery store or I'd want to go play with friends; but I wouldn't be able to find my shoes.  I never could put them away or at least leave them in one designated spot.  Nope, they were always in a different place.  My mother (and my Nanna) constantly lectured me about, "If you'd put them where they belong, you wouldn't have to look for them all the time." 

Wanna take a guess what all three of our children do that constantly drives me nuts?  They leave their shoes all over the place, never put them where they belong and can't seem to find them when it's time to go.  And it's just a universal rule that they don't realize that they don't know where their shoes are until it's the exact moment that we need to be walking out the door.  *sigh again*  Very recently, I caught myself saying to them, "If you'd put them where they belong, you wouldn't have to look for them all the time!"

*GASP*  It sounded like my voice, I even remember saying it, but that was definitely my mother speaking.  Then I got this mental picture of her sitting on the couch with this smug little grin on her facing, trying to hold back the laughter.  She always said we'd all have children just like us.  She was right!  The moment of realizing that she was right totally blows my mind.  Why should I be surprised though?  Momma was always right.  So to my sweet, darling, loveable children of mine - just remember that.  Momma is ALWAYS right.  Always has been and always will be.  All because my momma was always right.  Always has been and always will be. 

I can see Disney just over the horizon!

In only TWO MONTHS we'll finally be headed to Disney.  I started first researching this family vacation in the Spring of 2012.  It seems like FOREVER ago!  By the time we actually complete the vacation though, I think I may be considered an expert!

The hotel is reserved, the rental car is reserved, the airline tickets are paid for and the CityPass tickets are safely tucked away in the designated "Disney" folder.  Everything is just sitting there waiting to actually be ready to go.  To say that I'm super excited would be an understatement.  I know it's cheezy to say, but I've literally been waiting my WHOLE LIFE for this moment.  We're going.  We're really going.  I'm going to see the princesses castle.  I'm going to get to hug Mickey Mouse.  I'm going to wear Mickey ears and it be completely socially accepted.  I'm going to interact with Tinker Bell and ride on Magic Mountain.  It's going to be epic.  Really epic.  And then all the adventures of simply being in California.  I'm going to dip my toes into the ocean and watch the kids jump over the waves.  They've never experienced that before.  It's truly going to be an amazing vacation.  I just. can't. wait.

I'll have to though. *pout face*

The Big 3-0

I constantly get weird looks when I tell people that I'm so excited to be 30.  Why shouldn't I be though?!  Getting older is a natural progression of life and the opportunity to celebrate another year just means that I'm still needed on this planet.  My time isn't up yet.

I may be a little more eager than some to leave my 20's behind.  It was quite the decade, filled with great memories and not so great memories.  Billy and I bought our first house; we welcomed our first born son; Billy joined the military; we welcomed our precious baby girl; we moved with the military and welcomed another bouncing baby boy.  It was an exciting few years.  I was near death after a medical procedure went wrong; we were in a car wreck with all three kids in the car a few weeks after that; our marriage made it through a lot of ups, downs and separations due to the military; we bought a house and we started to plant some roots.  It was quite the roller coaster.  I went back to school several times - which was filled with it's own successes and failures.  Billy left the military and we made it through a very scary time of unemployment.  I've been a stay-at-home mom, a working mom and now back to a stay-at-home mom again.  I was diagnosed and treated for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  I went through some heavy stuff, but came out the other side of it with a new understanding of life and family.  All of that, and countless more experiences, in just a span of 10 years.  I look at all of that everyday with the unwavering sense that it was all part of a bigger picture.  If God did all of that for me, with me, through me in just my 20's; I can't wait to see what He has in store for me and my family these next ten years.

So THAT is why I'm excited to be thirty.  I'm ready to embrace all the lessons my 20's taught me.  I'm thankful to see all of my blessings continue to grow.  I'm eager to say goodbye to the failures and the struggles.  I'm ready to see what I can do with the knowledge and perspective I received because of those failures and struggles.  It really does seem like this completely different chapter for me.  I'm excited.  I'm anxious.  I have limitless ideals, goals and plans for my future.  Thirty is going to be fantastic.  And even if it's not, I'll find a way to MAKE it fantastic. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.

Success!

As I eagerly cracked open my fortune cookie to read what positive insight Confucius might have for me today, this is what I got.  The "someday" was a bit of a let down.  I'll be successful..... someday.  I guess I should optimistically assume that someday could very well be today!  But then I realized the irony of this "good fortune".  I guess proper spelling is not a part of my successful future endeavors.

This is What I Choose

Every job I've ever had, I hit this road block at about 18 months.  By then, I know my job and I do it well.  I've figured out all the tips and secrets.  I've got the routines down to an art.  I could do every detail of my job in my sleep if I needed to.  The problem is that I get complacent and bored.  Waldenbooks?  18 months and I moved on to the medical field.  Sandpiper Bay Retirement and Nursing Home?  18 months and I started looking for a different location.  Haysville Healthcare Center?  18 months and I stopped working to follow my husband with the Air Force.  I was a stay-at-home mom for 6 years.  When my husband separated from the Air Force though, it was time to return to the workforce.  I started working with the school district..... wait for it.... 18 months ago.   

I have no problems with work.  I like to work!  I have wonderful work ethic and am very devoted to my place of employment.  When I'm working though, I'm so devoted to my job that I sacrifice time with my family.  I'm a great multi-tasker within my daily routine, but for some reason I can only do one thing really well at a time.  Since someone is paying me and investing a lot of time/money into me at a job - I feel some kind of obligation to give them the majority of my efforts.  That job is the one thing I do really well while my family gets what's left over.  <---- That breaks my heart.  Some people are fantastic at balancing work-life and family-life.  They are super employee from 9 - 5 and super mom from 5 - 9  I'm, unfortunately, just not one of those people.


Looking back at all the things I've done, I always get bored and start itching to move on.  The one thing I never itched at though?  Motherhood.  Being with my family.  It's the only "job" I've ever done for longer than 18 months and didn't get bored.  I never hit that rut of feeling like I'm not growing or that I'm not making enough of an impact.  I think it's because parenthood is always changing and I'm always having to figure out new things.  The "job" of being a parent never stays the same for long.  Just as I start to master one skill, the kids get another year older, encounter new things/people and I have to keep up.

If I'm going to do one thing really well - I choose my family.  Which is what makes me say with confidence and with no regrets that I'm going to resign from my job and be a stay-at-home mom/wife.  I'm going to be 30 this year and it's time to focus on us as a family.  I want to be there for school plays, parent teacher conferences and to help with school projects.  I want to be available at the drop of a hat to talk, cuddle, discipline or console.  I want to be able to sneak away and have lunch with my husband while the kids are at school.  I also want time to figure out who Glenna is!  This could be my time to go back to college, volunteer and get more active with the kids' school and our church.  There is just so much I can be devoting my life to other than a paycheck.  That is what I choose for me.