Parenting PhD

I used to work in the medical field.  I went to nursing school and spent countless hours studying and trying to understand everything that that entails.  Unfortunately, I didn't finish, but still stayed in the medical field.  I worked in geriatrics taking care of the elderly.  I dabbled in wound care and administration of prescription medication.  Eventually though, the Lord blessed me with the opportunity to be a stay-at-home Mom and I rode that adventure for a long time; leaving the medical field behind. 

Through parenting though, I have realized it's a lot like the medical field.  Just like they call it "practicing medicine" because you spend your entire career doing everything you've been taught but also continuously learning and growing - so do you "practice parenting" for 18+ years.  I'm only at year 14, but I still learn something new every single day.  The things that worked when they were younger don't work now.  I have to constantly keep practicing, learning as I go, and using my mistakes as reference for future successes.  And just like in the medical field - lives are at stake. 

Yet I sit here wondering how many parenting ailments we encounter and put all our efforts into treating the symptoms rather than digging deep to find the root of the problem.  In the medical field, for example, if a patient has a fever we know that that means the body is fighting off some kind of something.  An infection or a virus, perhaps.  There's something that was introduced to our body that our body recognizes as "foreign", so it raises it's temperature to try to kill it.  What do we do?  We take tylenol to reduce our fever.  Which is great, but that's not helping the SOURCE of the fever.  We've now stopped the fever, but possibly enabled the source to continue to worsen.... until our fever comes back and we have to start all over again. 

How often do we do that in our parenting?  We see an unwanted behavior, and we just want it to go away.  We do something, anything, to stop the unwanted behavior.  The symptom.  Sometimes thus enabling the unwanted behavior.  While in some instances, we MUST 'reduce the fever' for the safety and sanity of everyone, we can't just leave it there.  We have to find the root of the issue.  WHY are they acting the way they are acting?  We can give them candy to be good, or hand them an electronic device to keep them quiet, or give in to their demands to stop the tantrum; but all we've done is treated the symptom without even touching the source of it. 

I deal with a lot of bad attitudes in my household right now.  My own sometimes as often as the kids'.  I know what to do to stop the symptom, but don't always take the time and effort necessary to address the root of the problem.  I'm fully aware of how easy it is to just give in and quiet the immediate craziness, but all that's doing is leaving the door wide open for more instances of the same in the future.  It's exhausting, but we have to take the time to treat the source of the issue every single time if at all possible.  In the end, that will cure the issue in a quicker amount of time than if we just continuously pacify it.  So that we can then move on to the next issue that will inevitably arise.  I don't think any of us are getting our parenting PhD anytime soon, but we can keep practicing every single day and getting a little closer.  We have VERY important patients and their lives are at stake.  Who they are as adults will reflect, in at least some small way, on how we treated them as children.  Did we just treat the symptoms or did we teach them the cure their ailments? 

Front Yard Mission

A wonderful woman came to speak at our church on Sunday. She's a missionary called to serve in Africa. She talked about the ever present "debate" of foreign missions versus local missions. People tend to ask why we need to go halfway around the world to tell people about Jesus when there are people right next door that need to hear about Jesus. Which I can understand, because it's certainly true. Not everyone will be called to foreign missions, and that's fine, but she asked the question, "So what are you doing?". If you acknowledge that there are people right next door that need to hear about Jesus, what are you doing to make sure they hear it?

We must be just as intentional about local missions as we are about foreign missions. It's okay if you don't feel called to go to Africa or Honduras or Asia..... as long as you are answering His call to be on mission where you currently are. This year, I'm spending a lot of time researching, studying, and finding resources for people who feel exactly that - like they are on mission right where they are. For those of us with kids, that means our own household is a mission field. It is our responsibility to raise children in a Christ-centered home.  It is our responsibility to lead by example, training them up in the way they should go, and praying for them every step of the way.  As parents, within our own home, there is a great responsibility to make disciples of our own children. 

As adults in general, we have a great opportunity to be on mission within our neighborhoods and communities.  I can't walk up and down my street and tell you much about my neighbors.  Nor could they tell others much about me.  That's a problem.  How are we spreading the good news of Jesus Christ if we don't do much more than a friendly wave or quick nod of the head before hurrying back inside our home?  We must be more intentional than that.  We must step outside our comfort zones, outside of our yards, and GO.  If that means go to the end of the block rather than go to the other side of the world, then so be it, but do it with purpose.  Be intentional.  Be bold.  Be a light for others to see.  It doesn't take much to strike up a conversation with a neighbor, it doesn't take long to build a friendship, and that all opens the door for sharing some of the most important, significant news they'll ever hear.  We cannot sit at church waiting for non-believers to come to us and call that "local missions".  We must go to them and meet them where they are. 

You Are Not Perfect

Dear Children,

I'm about to say something to you that many parents will probably gasp at and think is a horrible thing to say.  I'm going to say it anyway though, because you need to know it and you need to understand.  You are not perfect.  You are many things - you are loved, you are smart, you are funny, you are wonderfully made - but you are not perfect.  You are not perfect because you were made by two very imperfect people.  You are not perfect because it's impossible to live in this world, full of sin, and be perfect.  Only one person was ever perfect and considering you weren't born of a virgin and you aren't walking on water anytime soon - you aren't Him.

Let me explain to you why I feel you need to know that I don't think you are perfect.  Too many times in life, this cute little picture is painted of the "perfect parent" loving their "perfect children" and everything is just sunshine and rainbows.  While I certainly have my moments that I look at you and can't help but feel you are the most perfect thing I've ever laid my eyes on, the alarm goes off and you wake up all cranky telling me how mean I am for making you where pants when it's 50 degrees outside.  While I love you immensely, I don't look at you as perfect, because you aren't.  Because none of us are.  Trying to convince you that you are would be a disservice. 

You, sweet children of mine, are flawed.  You will make more mistakes in life than you'll ever be able to count.  You'll say the wrong thing and do the wrong thing.  You'll have moments when you are filled with anger and resentment.  You'll make bad decisions and have to suffer the consequences.  There may even be times that I'm so upset with you, I won't know exactly what to do.  I'll love you through it all though.  Through every imperfect moment of your entire lives, I will love you. 

Now I'm going to tell you another thing that parents probably aren't really suppose to say to their children.  *I* am not perfect.  I am flawed beyond measure.  I've made more mistakes in my life than I can count.  As your parent, I will say the wrong things and do the wrong things.  I'll have moments when I am filled with anger and resentment.  I'll make bad decisions and have to suffer the consequences.  There will be times that you're very upset with me and you'll want to runaway from home and swear that you'll never talk to me again.  I'll love you through it all though.  Through every imperfect moment of my entire life, I will love you always. 

You are not perfect, because I am not perfect.  Your Daddy is not perfect.  Your friends, your mentors, your teachers and everyone else you encounter are not perfect.  Nor should you ever feel the need to try to be "perfect" to any of them.  Know Jesus, do your best, be your best, strive for excellence, love others, be kind, don't give up - but don't try to be perfect.  You'll exhaust yourself trying to be perfect.  If you live everyday trying to be a better person than you were yesterday though, you're doing alright, kid.  You are not perfect, but you are LOVED.

I Don't Want to be Happy

I've seen so much talk lately about "I just want to be happy" or "do what makes you happy" and "I just want my children to grow up to be happy".  It makes me sad to think that happiness is the ultimate goal and strive for so many people.  Don't get me wrong, I love being happy.  I'm happy a lot of the time.  Happiness isn't a bad thing.  It just seems so shallow and vain to me.  It's such a superficial feeling.  It's fleeting.  Happiness never lasts for long and then we're just on to the next thing trying to find happiness again.  There are such greater goals and achievements in life than just being happy.  Any ol' schmuck can walk around saying he's "happy".  It's the why and the how that are much more important to me. 

Do I want my kids to be happy?  Of course.  But I want them to be "happy" because they feel invested in and truly loved.  I want them to feel "happy" because they are doing something with their life that positively impacts the world.  I don't want them walking through life seeking happiness and missing out on truly living.  Because the fact of the matter is that so many things we do in life WON'T make us happy.  Not in the moment.  The kids are going to have struggles and obstacles.  Their friends are going to be mean and spread rumors.  They are going to fail at something and question themselves.  They are going to have no idea who they are or where they are going in life.  They are going to have to get a job, pay bills, deal with obnoxious co-workers and will probably be fired at some point.  All of those things are going to make them very unhappy.  I don't want them to go through those moments simply striving to find happiness.  What I want them to do is go through those moments and learn valuable lessons.  To learn and grow and overcome.  I want them to understand love, forgiveness and joy in the midst of those tough times rather than just focusing on how happy they are on a scale of 1 to 10.  If they maneuver through everything they'll encounter in life with the mindset of "I just want to be happy", I genuinely believe they will be missing so much!  Happiness?  It comes and goes.  True joy?  Acceptance?  Love?  Those are the things that will last a lifetime and help them overcome so much.

Do I want to be happy?  Sure I do.  At what cost though?  How many people, on a daily basis, avoid certain places, discussions or people because it's difficult?  Because it doesn't make them happy?  How many people hide behind what is comfortable and convenient because it makes them happy?  How often do we stay inside our comfort zones where we feel safe and "happy", and in the process miss out on growth and experiences?  "I just want to be happy, so I'm not going to make any sacrifices that might make me unhappy (but would radically change my whole life for the better)".  When did that become the norm?  I don't say any of that to wag a shameful finger at others, but I say it to myself.  I'm so guilty of this.  I stay in my "happy place" and get content with being happy rather than pushing myself to be more.  To do more.  To feel more. 

Yes, I like feeling happy, but that shallow feeling is NOT what I long for.  I don't want to be happy..  I want to be joyful.    I want to know unconditional love.  I want peace and kindness to radiate from the core of who I am.  The things that bring happiness often times come and go.  The things that bring joy and love into my life though..... those are the things that can last a lifetime.  Some may feel it's just simply a play on words and "happiness" is no different than "joy", but when you experience the difference for yourself, there is no denying the vast difference.  I have found some of the greatest joys of my life in the midst of a situation that most definitely didn't make me happy. 

I've even talked to others about how happy I am in life.  Even I miss that mark sometimes.  I am happy.  I really am.  I do want people to feel happiness in their life.  I want my kids to be happy as often as possible.  It's deeper than that though.  I'm not just happy.  I'm not just superficially rolling through life with a smile on my face because everything is going my way.  I'm joyful.  I have reasons to smile, to keep going, to do what needs to be done even when things are difficult and trying.  Happiness doesn't have anything to do with the former.  Joy does.  Love does.  Faith does.  Hope does.  Happiness can't do half of what those other things can do.       

Out of the Mouths of Babes

Without any prompting, ask your child these questions.

Alyssa - age 9

1. What is something mommy always says to you? "How was your day?"

2. What makes mommy happy?  "When everything is clean."

3. What makes mommy sad?  "When everything is messy."

4. How does mommy make you laugh?  "By farting....."

5. What was mommy like as a child?  "I don't know.  I don't know you as a child!"

6. How old is mommy?  "32"

7. How tall is mommy?  "6 feet tall."

8. What is mommy's favorite thing to do?  "Clean"

9. What does mommy do when your not here?  "Clean"

10. If mommy became famous, what would it be for?  "Cleaning"

11. What is mommy good at?  "Cleaning"

12. What is mommy not very good at?  *shrugs*

13. What is mommy's job?  "You don't really have a job."

14. What makes you proud of mommy?  "By buying me Eeyore's"

15. What is mommy's favorite food?  "Casseroles"

16. What do you and mommy do together?  "Eat sushi!" 

17. How are you and mommy the same?  "We both like cleaning."

18. If Mommy was a cartoon character, who would she be?  "The old lady with Tweety bird."

19. How are you and mommy different?  "You like doggies, I like donkeys."

20. How do you know mommy loves you?  "You tell me every night and day and....."

21. Where is mommy's favorite place to go?  "Fleamarkets!"

22. How old was mommy when she had you?  "23"




Brayden - Age 7


1. What is something mommy always says to you?  "Stop"

2. What makes mommy happy?  "Making me happy."

3. What makes mommy sad?  "Me being sad"

4. How does mommy make you laugh?  "By being funny."

5. What was mommy like as a child?  "You were....um....everything had to be perfect!"

6. How old is mommy?  "31"

7. How tall is mommy?  "6 feet tall"

8. What is mommys favorite thing to do?  "Clean-up everything"

9. What does mommy do when your not here?  "Watch television or go on Facebook."

10. If mommy became famous, what would it be for?  "Being the cleanest person ever."

11. What is mommy good at?  "Making food."

12. What is mommy not very good at?  "I have no idea"

13. What is mommy's job?  "You don't have a job."

14. What makes you proud of mommy?  "That you love me."

15. What is mommy's favorite food?  "Steak"

16. What do you and mommy do together?  "You don't really do anything with me." 

17. How are you and mommy the same?  "We both like meat!"

18. If Mommy was a cartoon character, who would she be?  "That lady from the Tweety show."

19. How are you and mommy different?  "You like peas and I don't."

20. How do you know mommy loves you?  "You take us out to swim"

21. Where is mommy's favorite place to go?  "Goodwill"

22. How old was mommy when she had you?  "20"







Gabriel - age 10

1. What is something mommy always says to you?  "You're grounded"

2. What makes mommy happy?  "Hugs"

3. What makes mommy sad?  "Whenever you don't see Daddy for awhile."

4. How does mommy make you laugh?  "Whenever you do something funny"

5. What was mommy like as a child?  "Young"

6. How old is mommy?  "32"

7. How tall is mommy?  "6 foot 2 inches"

8. What is mommys favorite thing to do?  "Sleep"

9. What does mommy do when your not here?  "Sleep"

10. If mommy became famous, what would it be for?  "Sleeping"

11. What is mommy good at?  "Sleeping"

12. What is mommy not very good at?  "Video games"

13. What is mommy's job?  "Stay-at-home Mom"

14. What makes you proud of mommy?  "Because you're a good mom"

15. What is mommy's favorite food?  "Chinese food"

16. What do you and mommy do together?  "Watch television"

17. How are you and mommy the same?  "We both have brown hair"

18. If Mommy was a cartoon character, who would she be?  "SpongeBob Squarepants"

19. How are you and mommy different?  "You do not like video games and I love video games"

20. How do you know mommy loves you?  "Because you say it a lot"

21. Where is mommy's favorite place to go?  "Chinese"

22. How old was mommy when she had you?  "22"

I'm not nothing

Last night at a meeting I attended, our pastor shared this video with us.  Then he asked the question, "What did grace save you from?"  I hesitated for a moment.  Not because I couldn't think of an answer, but because I had too many to choose from.  The one that stuck out in the forefront of my mind though was "a nothing".  Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a nothing like me.  That's what I truly believed I was for so long.  And it's how I lived my life for so long.  I was stuck in this state of just existing.  Moving through life with no understanding of who I was, let alone who I was in Christ.  I wasn't happy, I wasn't sad, I was just..... nothing.  I felt invisible the majority of my childhood and young adult life.  I didn't have a lot of friends; I struggled with making deep, personal connections with people; I tried my best to be "good", but I was just a dumb kid that always failed miserably.  I was a believer in Jesus, but I always felt like there was nothing I could really do and I wasn't worthy of much.  That my existence didn't mean anything or have any kind of impact on the world.  "Life sucks and then we die." 

Don't get me wrong, there were happy moments.  I have a wonderful life that I'm so thankful for.  My wonderful husband.  My fantastic three children.  I have a naturally sunny disposition actually, but that didn't translate into how I felt deep down in my soul.  At the end of the day when I laid my head down on the pillow, all I felt was.... nothing.  Life is so fleeting.  Lots of people are married and have kids.  Lots of people go with the flow in life.  Lots of people lead a happy life.  Then we die and the cycle keeps going.  For some, that makes them perfectly content.  For me, it reaffirmed that I was nothing and my life had no real meaning.   

Then all the stuff happened that lead to my near-death experience.  I wish I could say I survived and was a new person, but it wasn't that simple.  That situation further impacted my theory that I was nothing and my life didn't truly matter.  In fact, I believed I was being punished.  That lead to three more years of an even deeper feeling of nothingness than in years prior.  I put on a good show and wore a mask most of the time of the happy, healthy, stay-at-home mom; but I was dying inside.  I was filled to the brim with nothingness.

I wish I could put my finger on that exact moment when I broke, but I can't exactly recall it.  I started counseling though and our family got back into church.  God slowly started to guide me back onto the path that He always intended me to be on.  I was no long filled with nothingness.  I was filled with this light and this love that I can't even begin to put into words.  It was like walking around in a black and white world, and all of the sudden everything became full of color.  All those little broken pieces were put back together.   

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a nothing like me.  I once was lost, hopeless, depressed and drowning in my own sea of nihility, but now I'm SAVED.  I was blind, but now I see. 

Through letting go and allowing God to remind me that I am not nothing, I am not the same person I was.  I still struggle sometimes with some mild depression, but it never lasts long because I have a fantastic group of friends and family that are real quick to remind me that I'm far from "nothing".  God doesn't make nothing.  He creates beauty, wonder and grace.  He created me and there's absolutely no way He created me to be nothing.  He created me to do something with this life while I'm here.  I'm bound and determined to leave a legacy.  I will not be nothing.  I refuse to be nothing.  His grace saved me and I'm eternally grateful.   

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well".  - Psalm 139:14

Settle

I often hear people talking about how they don't want to "settle".  They want the best and they don't want to have to settle for anything else.  Settling is actually a good thing though.  Settling, as defined in the dictionary is "to appoint, fix, or resolve definitely and conclusively; agree upon; to place in a desired state or in order; to cause to take up residence." I was doing my weekly devotional with Josh and he shared a tid-bit with me while reading Acts 2 about "settling" our calling in life.  Meaning, to conclusively agree upon what we are called to do in our life.  Since God is the one that gives us our gifts and callings in life, He is the one I have to settle with.  He is the one I have to conclusively agree upon with.

Now, to back track a little, Josh is the children and youth pastor at our church.  He is my "boss" so to speak while I've been taking on more duties at church.  I'm essentially his assistant.  Whatever he needs done, I help make it happen.  Lots of clerical, administrative type stuff that I love, love, love doing.  It's not just making copies or setting up meetings, it's a piece of this big puzzle that helps make everything work together.  Our church has been going through a transition lately that has really had me feeling anxious and frustrated.  After reading Acts 2, talking with Josh and him sharing that "settle" ideal - I'm feeling a lot better and I think God has revealed to me why I've been feeling so anxious and frustrated.

In Acts 2 it is shortly after the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus.  Peter is telling everyone about Jesus, His teachings, His resurrection and the Holy Spirit.  He assures everyone that He most definitely was exactly who He said He was.  The people that heard Peter speak and believed what he said were saved.  3,000 people in that one, brief encounter.  Then at the end of Acts 2, it describes something we're probably all familiar with:

"They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer.  Everyone was filled with awe at the many wonders and signs performed by the apostles.  All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need.  Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts.  They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved." - Acts 2:42-47.

The church.  They were the church.  Because "church" as most people think about it is simply a building.  Those walls and the big steeple out front isn't the church anymore than someone's living room.  People who believe in God, believe that Jesus died on the cross and rose again, people who want to learn more about God's word and apply it to their lives, people who want to spend their lives serving God and others for His glory, all those people coming together - that is the church.  WE are the church.  Josh pointed out that this is only days after Jesus' death and resurrection.  60 days or so (don't quote me on that time table.  I'm no scholar and can't recall exactly what he said).  The point is though, that after only 60 days, there was this complete transformation.  Three thousand people came to know Jesus for who He truly was and devoted their lives to Him. 

So now back to the "settle" thing and the frustrated feelings I've been having.  I really feel like I've been waiting for something amazing to happen and I don't feel like it's happening.  I feel like I want to be doing more, participating more and pushing through my barriers.  I feel like the opposite is happening.  I feel stuck.  I feel like people are leaving and moving on, I feel like people are attacking me/us (the church), I feel like all this negativity is surrounding something that should be so awesome!  In Acts 1 that I recently studied as well though, Jesus commanded his Apostles to "wait".  Just wait.  God knows what He's doing.  He can transform lives and churches in a matter of days.  We're simply in a transition.  Look what happened in Acts 2.  Three thousand people came to know Jesus that day.  We have a big community event coming up where we'll get to interact with thousands and thousands of people and then have an Easter service the next day.  We are, without a doubt, going to make Jesus known to THOUSANDS of people in a couple weekends from now.  That is exciting stuff!  And yes, some people have been leaving and spreading rumors about our church, but we've also had some really great new people come in and some old faces we haven't seen in awhile.  I just have to remember to wait and let Him do His thing instead of feeling anxious or frustrated about it. 

While I was deep cleaning and organizing the toddler room, I was thinking about that whole "settle" thing.  I could almost feel this peace come over me.  Settle.  Just wait and settle.  I know what my calling is.  I have for awhile now.  I serve.  I'm a helper.  Whatever needs to get done, I do my best to make it happen.  It just comes natural to me to have that mindset.  Well, not "natural", but God-given.  I know for a fact this is exactly where God wants me to be right now.  While I want to move outside my comfort zone and do more, I have to also stop pushing so hard to be Super Woman.  I'm doing exactly what God has called me to do and I love it, so why do I frustrate myself by thinking there's more?  This is my calling, so I need to just do it.  When God has a new calling for me, He'll reveal it.  Just because this is my calling right now doesn't mean He won't move me into other opportunities and callings later.  God is going to use me, just like He used Peter, to do exactly what He wants me to do.  As long as I'm always patient, willing to wait, willing to answer that call and fulfill His plan for my life - there is absolutely no reason for me to feel anything other than peace and joy.  And that's exactly where I'm at this morning.  I'm settled.