Settle

I often hear people talking about how they don't want to "settle".  They want the best and they don't want to have to settle for anything else.  Settling is actually a good thing though.  Settling, as defined in the dictionary is "to appoint, fix, or resolve definitely and conclusively; agree upon; to place in a desired state or in order; to cause to take up residence." I was doing my weekly devotional with Josh and he shared a tid-bit with me while reading Acts 2 about "settling" our calling in life.  Meaning, to conclusively agree upon what we are called to do in our life.  Since God is the one that gives us our gifts and callings in life, He is the one I have to settle with.  He is the one I have to conclusively agree upon with.

Now, to back track a little, Josh is the children and youth pastor at our church.  He is my "boss" so to speak while I've been taking on more duties at church.  I'm essentially his assistant.  Whatever he needs done, I help make it happen.  Lots of clerical, administrative type stuff that I love, love, love doing.  It's not just making copies or setting up meetings, it's a piece of this big puzzle that helps make everything work together.  Our church has been going through a transition lately that has really had me feeling anxious and frustrated.  After reading Acts 2, talking with Josh and him sharing that "settle" ideal - I'm feeling a lot better and I think God has revealed to me why I've been feeling so anxious and frustrated.

In Acts 2 it is shortly after the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus.  Peter is telling everyone about Jesus, His teachings, His resurrection and the Holy Spirit.  He assures everyone that He most definitely was exactly who He said He was.  The people that heard Peter speak and believed what he said were saved.  3,000 people in that one, brief encounter.  Then at the end of Acts 2, it describes something we're probably all familiar with:

"They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer.  Everyone was filled with awe at the many wonders and signs performed by the apostles.  All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need.  Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts.  They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved." - Acts 2:42-47.

The church.  They were the church.  Because "church" as most people think about it is simply a building.  Those walls and the big steeple out front isn't the church anymore than someone's living room.  People who believe in God, believe that Jesus died on the cross and rose again, people who want to learn more about God's word and apply it to their lives, people who want to spend their lives serving God and others for His glory, all those people coming together - that is the church.  WE are the church.  Josh pointed out that this is only days after Jesus' death and resurrection.  60 days or so (don't quote me on that time table.  I'm no scholar and can't recall exactly what he said).  The point is though, that after only 60 days, there was this complete transformation.  Three thousand people came to know Jesus for who He truly was and devoted their lives to Him. 

So now back to the "settle" thing and the frustrated feelings I've been having.  I really feel like I've been waiting for something amazing to happen and I don't feel like it's happening.  I feel like I want to be doing more, participating more and pushing through my barriers.  I feel like the opposite is happening.  I feel stuck.  I feel like people are leaving and moving on, I feel like people are attacking me/us (the church), I feel like all this negativity is surrounding something that should be so awesome!  In Acts 1 that I recently studied as well though, Jesus commanded his Apostles to "wait".  Just wait.  God knows what He's doing.  He can transform lives and churches in a matter of days.  We're simply in a transition.  Look what happened in Acts 2.  Three thousand people came to know Jesus that day.  We have a big community event coming up where we'll get to interact with thousands and thousands of people and then have an Easter service the next day.  We are, without a doubt, going to make Jesus known to THOUSANDS of people in a couple weekends from now.  That is exciting stuff!  And yes, some people have been leaving and spreading rumors about our church, but we've also had some really great new people come in and some old faces we haven't seen in awhile.  I just have to remember to wait and let Him do His thing instead of feeling anxious or frustrated about it. 

While I was deep cleaning and organizing the toddler room, I was thinking about that whole "settle" thing.  I could almost feel this peace come over me.  Settle.  Just wait and settle.  I know what my calling is.  I have for awhile now.  I serve.  I'm a helper.  Whatever needs to get done, I do my best to make it happen.  It just comes natural to me to have that mindset.  Well, not "natural", but God-given.  I know for a fact this is exactly where God wants me to be right now.  While I want to move outside my comfort zone and do more, I have to also stop pushing so hard to be Super Woman.  I'm doing exactly what God has called me to do and I love it, so why do I frustrate myself by thinking there's more?  This is my calling, so I need to just do it.  When God has a new calling for me, He'll reveal it.  Just because this is my calling right now doesn't mean He won't move me into other opportunities and callings later.  God is going to use me, just like He used Peter, to do exactly what He wants me to do.  As long as I'm always patient, willing to wait, willing to answer that call and fulfill His plan for my life - there is absolutely no reason for me to feel anything other than peace and joy.  And that's exactly where I'm at this morning.  I'm settled. 

 

Philippians 4:13

I was talking to a friend yesterday about recognizing how much things change and how much people grow.  That it's neat to be able to look back and see where I was in life compared to where I am now.  We were speaking specifically of "church stuff" and I mentioned that a year ago, I wasn't sure what my calling was and how quiet and reserved I was.  I was looking today though and realized that that wasn't even a year ago!  I wrote a blog in late July about starting to take the first steps to get more involved and work towards what I thought God was calling me to do.  It's only been 7 months since I decided to step outside my comfort zone and get more involved.  It's been some of the happiest months of my life.

It's interesting to look back and be able to relive how nervous and insecure I was.  Every single time I've said, "Oh no, I don't think I'd be very good at that." God sends someone into my life to encourage me to try.  Someone that gives me support and encouragement to step past what I think I can do and trust in what God knows I can do through Him.  Even when I don't excel in something, it loopholes into something great.  Sure, I didn't do so great at (insert all kinds of things here), but I met someone in the process who is a wonderful addition to my path in life that I may not have met otherwise.  Or after realizing that I'm not good at (insert even more things here) I was able to more clearly understand why I'm better at those other things.  There's always a silver lining.  There's always that blessing in disguise.

I've found myself so hungry for more.  I spent so much of my life and my walk with Christ sitting on the side lines.  I never wanted to do this, that or the other because I believed I wasn't enough.  I'm not smart enough, strong enough, friendly enough, social enough, talented enough.  And maybe I'm not - but God is.  So fine, I'm not smart enough?  Then I want to read the Bible more and ask more questions so that I can learn.  I'm not strong enough?  Then I'll learn from my experiences and draw strength instead of wallowing in negativity.  I'm not friendly or social enough?  Then I'll step outside my comfort zone and force myself into situations where I have no other choice but to be the things I want to be.  When I stop relying on what I think I can do and, instead, trust and rely on what God knows I can do through Him - what He created me to be - that's when amazing things happen.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" - Philippians 4:13

This year I'm continuing to submit.  To lean not on my own understanding, to submit to God in all things and allow Him to make my path straight.  Because He will.  Because He has and He is.  If this has been the change I see in only the last 7 months, I can't wait to see where I am in another year from now.  Another 5 years from now.  I sat stagnant for way too long.

Large and In Charge

I'm trying, yet again, to work on my weight.  I fail miserably all the stinkin' time.  It's such a taboo subject though.  People will joke and make fun of "large" people behind their backs, but when it's your friend or your family member, they are typically so nice.  They encourage them to be happy and love their curves.  I always talk myself out of working out and when I'm feeling down about how I look, my fantastic friends tell me how nice I look and that I should be happy with my body.  It just feeds my excuses to give up though.  My friends all say I'm fine, so I'll just keep doing what I'm doing.  They all tell me I should love my body, so I mine as well just accept what I have and quit being so frustrated that I can't change it. 

A good friend recently held me accountable though and said some really rough stuff.  It hurt at first, but she was so right.  I have NO room to sit around and mope about how bad I feel about my body when I'm the one that put myself in this situation.  No one force fed me unhealthy food.  No one has me locked up in a room so that I can't exercise.  No one is keeping my thyroid medication from me.  I'm lazy and then whine when I don't see any results.  Ouch.  True though.  I greatly appreciate her holding me accountable and telling me the truth out of concern for my health.

My other friends are right too though.  I should love and accept my body.  What I have to stop doing is using that as an excuse not to change.  Just because it's this way now doesn't mean it has to stay this way.  I associate this weight with "hate".  I hate my body so much that I can't find that strength and motivation to put the energy and effort into changing it.  I don't even like looking in the mirror or going out in public sometimes.  I'm convinced I'll just be this way forever.  It's time to flip that perspective though.  If I learn to love and accept this body, even at it's current state, I can open my eyes enough to finally see that I love my body so much that I want to take even better care of it.  I can hate being this weight without hating my body as a whole.  God created the human body to be a beautiful reflection of Him.  I have every reason in the world to love this body and take exceptional care of it. 

For the year 2015 I chose a word to live my life by.  I chose "Submission".  I want to submit to God in EVERY aspect of my life.  It's already proved to be challenging, but who doesn't love a good challenge?  Theodore Roosevelt said, “Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty… I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.”  For years, my weight has been an unconquerable challenge.  This year though, I submit to God, even in my struggles with weight.  I haven't been able to accomplish my goals on my own, so it's time to finally relinquish control and ask for His help in this.  It will not be easy.  It requires effort, I'll be in pain and it will be difficult.  It will be worth it though.  I want this for my life.  I want this for my spouse and my kids.  I want this for my friends who care about me and want me to be healthy.  I do this for my friend that held me accountable not because she wanted to tell me what a fatty I am, but because she believes in me enough to know that I can do this.  I might fail tomorrow, but the joy is that the next day is a new day and I can start again.  If I have to fail and start 100 times this year, I will.  I WILL do this.

A New New Year's Resolution

I'm not so great at New Year's Resolutions.  I always seem to make the same cliche' goals.  Financial security, freedom from debt, lose weight, etc.  I always seem to fail epically every single year.  I do great at first, but lose steam and finish out the year dreaming of how I may get it right next year.  It's a vicious, never-ending cycle or ups and downs.  Small victories and big failures.  Why do I torture myself and essentially set myself up for failure?

This year, I'm making no cliche' goals for myself.  I'm not gonna vow to do the traditional "lose weight" or "read more".  Instead, this year I just simply vow to be the best me I can possibly be.  I don't even know if I fully know what that is, but I'm going to allow it to happen.  The joy in that is the acceptance that I'm flawed and imperfect - and that's okay.  All that means is that there's plenty of room to learn and grow.  To change and move forward.  It means that I don't have to wait until January 1st every year to decide to do better or do more.  It means that if I mess up, which I inevitably will, I can simply brush it off and do better tomorrow. 

My goal for the year is to maintain my focus on all the good in my life, to be forever thankful of my blessings and to remember that my struggles are simply life lessons.  My goal for the year is to not focus on all the things I'm doing wrong, but instead use those mistakes and failures to motivate me to keep striving for the best me I can be.  My goal for the year is to never focus on what I don't have, but to love and be thankful for what I do have.  My goal for the year is to never allow myself to be consumed by fear, stress, frustration, guilt, jealousy or any other negative thoughts and feelings.  Will those thoughts happen?  Of course.  My goal is to not get lost in them though - to feel what I feel; pray for guidance, wisdom and forgiveness; and then move on. 

Perhaps even these goals are cliche', unreasonable or just down right silly.  The thought of it makes my heart smile though.  The thought of just being myself and allowing God to work in my life and move through me makes me feel like I can accomplish all kinds of things.  Things I've struggled for years to do on my own, I want to stop trying to control and fully trust in God so that He can guide me through them.

Hello, 2015.  I'm so ready for you!

What's Wrong With Your Kid?

Our eldest son is 10.  Gabe is so sweet.  He's so funny, silly and eager to get a laugh out of anyone within earshot.  To say that he marches to the beat of his own drum is an understatement.  He's shy and outgoing at the same time.  He's optimistic, but a pessimist within the same breath.  He loves to be the center of attention, but is a wallflower too.  He's so friendly and helpful, yet other times he won't make eye contact or speak to anyone.  He's a walking conundrum and I couldn't be more in love with who he is. 

He's had some "quirks" for a very long time.  Since birth, almost.  Little things that never really added up to anything for me.  They were just Gabe.  Part of who he is.  He's picky and he's stubborn and he likes things just so.  Most kids do, so I never paid it much attention.  It becomes a battle sometimes though.  He barely eats and is practically a vegan because he just hates so many things.  It has almost nothing to do with taste and everything to do with texture.  He just can't stand the texture of most meats.  Clothing is another battle.  Jeans are almost always a no go.  He hates the way the feel.  Any pants/shorts are a battle though.  They have to sit just so on his waist.  They can't be too tight, but they can't be too loose either.  They have to be a certain material.  If the button or strings touch him, he doesn't like that.  The list goes on and on.  I used to think it was just a "quirk" and would force him to do things anyway.  It's just a pair of jeans, suck it up, buttercup.  It was like torture to him though.  I slowly learned that it wasn't just a pair of jeans - not to him.  It really was torture.  What nails on a chalkboard sounds like to me is what jeans on his legs feels like to him.  He just can't stand it.

Over time, as he's gotten older, these little "quirks" have grown into more disruptive things.  He can't be in a sitting position without a foot underneath him or his legs pulled into his chest.  Not so great when you have to sit in class all day.  Thoughts pop into his head that he just can't stop thinking about unless he states them out loud.  Even if they don't pertain to anything that's going on, if it's in his head, it simply must come out.  He becomes so focused on some things that it becomes an actual obsession.  He eats, sleeps and breathes whatever he's focused on.  His essays in class are all about this one topic and he spends hours studying and mastering it.  Right now, it just so happens to be Minecraft.  A game lots of kids enjoy and play, but there's a literal obsession there for Gabe. 

There are other key factors that lead into having a discussion with his school counselor, but a discussion did happen.  I cried, of course.  I thought it was no big deal and I was just going to express my concerns, but having to say out loud to another person that I was worried that something might be "wrong" with my child was gut-wrenching.  He's smart and funny and quirky.  He's my sweet Gabe.  There's nothing "wrong" with him.  I hate the idea that anyone will ever view him as anything but a smart, funny guy.  So admitting that I had some concerns that something might be wrong was just..... it was unfathomable to me that I'd ever say it.  There I was though.

His teacher and counselor were incredibly supportive.  We talked about a few things that could be going on and, just to rule it out, decided to assess him for Autism.  I filled out an assessment and his teacher filled out an assessment.  We didn't come up with exactly the same observations, and that's okay.  What she sees during the day and what I see during the day are going to be two different things.  When I got that assessment back and it read, "Very Likely" in reference to being within the Autism spectrum, the whole world stopped spinning.  Everything went silent, yet my mind was screaming out.  I've never experienced such silence yet chaos at the same time.  My child; my perfect little angel that drives me insane and makes me laugh all in the same moments; may be Autistic.  What. Did. I. Do. Wrong?

That's all I could think.  What did I do wrong?  What did I do to cause this?  Why did I wait so long to get him assessed?  Could I have helped him earlier and maybe he'd be okay?  Is it too late?  Will this affect him negatively for the rest of his life?  What are others going to say about him?  Will he be judged and immediately pushed aside because of a diagnosis?  My mind wouldn't shut off.  Thank God for a supportive husband who gave me a hug and whispered, "Gabe is still Gabe" in my ear while I sobbed.  In that moment, I stopped freaking out.  He was so right.  Gabe is still Gabe.  This doesn't "mean" anything.  All it does is give us a diagnosis that we can work with.  A diagnosis that we can take to his school, a therapist and doctors to get the resources and tools necessary to help him.  There's still nothing "wrong" with him.  He's still smart, funny and marches to the beat of his own drum.  Now though, we can help him at least march on step to the beat of that drum (is that a dorky analogy?)  We can help him cope with some of his sensitivities.  We can give him tools on how to appropriately react to situations that make him uncomfortable.  We can retrain his brain to understand that overwhelming sensations or thoughts aren't as overwhelming as he thinks they are.

I find myself excited for the next steps.  His doctor concurs with the schools assessment and has referred us on to a developmental center that will assess him more thoroughly to get more specific resources and tools in place for him.  Sure, he may be Autistic, but he's incredibly high functioning and will do perfectly fine in life.  Gabe keeps asking, "What's that disorder called again?  Awesome?" and he just smiles.  I don't know if he's trying to comfort me or just be his usual silly self, but I love it every time he says it.  I've already had a few of those insensitive people that ask "What's wrong with him?" when he acts certain ways.  I think he's on the right track.  The next time someone says that, I'll just smile and respond with, "He's awesome."  

Go Tell It On the Mountain

It's not exactly a secret that I'm not in the best physical shape of my life (and that's putting it nicely).  There are lots of things I just can't do because I don't have the energy, I weigh too much, my body aches or I don't have the stamina to keep up.  It's something I've struggled with for years. 

Two months ago, I set a goal for myself.  I was going to start working out and, on October 11th, I wanted to do something I had never done before.  Climb Pinnacle Mountain.  Not only have I never been physically fit enough, but I also have a great fear of heights.  I have anxieties about being up on a mountain and not being able to get help if I need it.  I freak out at the thought of once I'm up there, I'm up there.  There is no quick and easy way back down.  You just have to do it. 

Sadly, October 11th came and went.  The weather was bad and it turned out to be a busy day full of other obligations and family activities.  Today though, October 16th the kids were out of school, the weather was gorgeous and there wasn't an excuse in the world not to finally meet my goal.

I started out strong.  All three kids and my brother, Ben, were with me.  I can't give up if my children are watching, right?  Right.  It's a very steep and "strenuous" trail up to the summit.  I got about a 1/4 up and was a mess.  I hurt, my pulse was racing, I was sweating and was psyching myself out.  Not in a good way.  I sat on a rock and told the kids to keep going.  I tried to catch my breath and started to cry.  "I'm failing!  I can't do this!"  I'm sure the other hikers passing by thought I was nuts.  I rested for a few minutes though, brushed myself off and kept going.  I wasn't winning a marathon, but I was doing it!

At about the halfway point, I stopped for a good breather and a photo op.  I was pretty high up.  My anxieties were setting in, but I wanted to enjoy the beauty rather than allow myself to freak out at the fact that I was up so high.  Pictures were a great distraction.  I was still doing it!  I was half way up the mountain and I wasn't dead yet!














We headed up a little further and came to a few signs warning us that we were nearing the top.  It got steeper and steeper.  I had to stop several times to catch my breath and rest.  I found myself counting the stones on the path to keep my mind occupied.  Other hikers were passing me.  Some had already gone up and come back down.  I was starting to judge myself and feeling so pathetic.  Kids were bounding up and down the trail while I huffed and puffed.  People twice my age were jogging, JOGGGING, the trail and barely breaking a sweat.  I wondered if they looked at me with the same pathetic judgment that I looked at myself with.  I stopped myself though.  Everyone else is enjoying themselves and loving the view.  I'm the only one thinking such harsh things about myself.  "Stop it, Glenna.  You're doing this." 

We reached a point where there was nowhere to go but up.  A sign depicted a small map showing us two different routes.  One a little easier than the other.  I stupidly misread it and took the more difficult path.  It was just boulders to climb instead of an actual path.  Boulders.  Loose, jiggly, random boulders with no obvious rhyme or reason.  No path to make me feel like I was going the right way.  No more stones placed like steps for me to focus on.  Just random boulders that I had to shimmy my fat butt up.  Are you kidding me?  

To me, these are the things nightmares are made out of.  I trudged on, talking to myself the whole time.  "It's just like stairs.  It's fine.  Nothing is going to happen."  Alyssa and Ben had gone so far ahead by this point that we couldn't see them anymore.  It was just me, Brayden and Gabe.  They were ahead of me cheering me on.  Telling me that it was fun, safe and I could do it.  God bless those sweet boys.  There was a tree about halfway up that I grabbed onto to help pull myself forward and when I went to take another step, I couldn't bring myself to let go of that tree.  I looked over my shoulder and could see the Arkansas river.  We were really high up now.  I looked down behind me and saw the wall of boulders I was climbing up.  I could feel my mind starting to go completely fuzzy.  Not that I was going to pass out, but that I was going to FREAK out!  And freak out, I did.  I grabbed the tree with both arms, hugging it like it was a life saver.  I started to hyperventilate a little and told the boys to go ahead to the bench.  "Momma is freaking out.  I just need a minute."  I started crying uncontrollably, sobbing, trying to catch my breath.  A few more people hiked past giving me that look and I just shook my head at them.  I was fully aware of my freak out.  I was desperately trying to bring myself back out of it, but I just needed to let myself freak out for a second. 

I heard Brayden start to come back down towards me and say, "I'm getting scared too, Momma."  I looked up to see tears in his eyes while Gabe was standing a little further up telling us we could go back down if we wanted.  "No!  No, Glenna!  You are NOT going to make your kids scared of things just because you are scared of things.  We are not quitters!  Suck it up and keep going!"  So that's what I did.  I let go of the tree and grabbed Brayden's hand.  I told him that I was just feeling overwhelmed, needed to freak out for a second, but I was good.  We got to the top of the seemingly endless boulder wall and sat down for some water.  I assured the boys that even though this was scary for me, that I wanted to do it.  That none of us were giving up! We're doing this.  And I was!

After the big boulder wall of doom was the final ascension to the summit.  They were no longer boulders, but just jagged, random rocks.  It was the top of the mountain.  I'm not sure what I really expected, but it was do or die time.  I thought the boulder wall was bad?  This was even steeper.  The top was literally right there though, so onward and upward!  That last little bit took the longest, I think.  I'd climb over a couple rocks and have to stop.  This went on for 15 or 20 minutes probably.  I refused to look around and focused only on the rocks.  It wasn't Mount Everest, but it sure seemed like it to me. 

I was almost at my point of completely breaking down again when I put my knee up on a beautifully smooth, cool rock and didn't see another rock above that to move too.  I. Was. At. The. Top.  I MADE IT!  I took a deep breath, sat on the rock, looked around and...... I vomited.  Sorry, but I did.  I was exhausted, I had pushed myself past my physical and mental breaking point and I quite literally had to release the tension.  I regained my composure though and took it all in.  I was really high up, but I was sitting atop a beautiful, sturdy mountain that wasn't going anywhere.  I was safe.  I was fine.  The boys sat with me for a few minutes and we just stared into the distance.  It sucked, it was hard, I thought I wanted to quit, I thought I would fail - but I did it.  I was there.  I had conquered my Mount Everest!

This Little Light of Mine

It's such a common occurrence for people to struggle with their calling in life.  "What do I want to be when I grow up?".  Well, I think the same is true in our walk with God.  What do I want to be as I grow up in my faith and my relationship with God?     


I've been talking with a friend a lot lately about God's purpose and calling for our lives.  There are people who are called to go to foreign countries to share the story of Jesus.  There are people who are called to sing praise and worship songs in front of a congregation of people.  There are people who are called to feed the hungry, or preach the gospel, or to tell their story to the masses.....  Thank God for "those" people.  I'm not one of "those" people.  It's just not my calling in life.  Not right now, at least, and that's okay!  My calling in life is to be a person that makes it possible for "those" people to follow their calling.  My calling in life is to serve others so that they may serve others.

A good friend of mine is constantly reminding me to never feel like the things that I do aren't significant.  I always smile, nod and think to myself, "No reminder necessary".  I don't at all mean for it to come off conceited, it's just that God has spoken to me quite clearly about my calling in life and how significant it is.  Caring for children while their parents hear the word of God, cleaning a room so that it's safe and sanitary for people to use, getting paperwork all set up so that leaders can teach children about God, etc, etc.  It may all seem like silly little stuff to some people, but to me - I know it's what needs to happen so that everyone can follow their calling in life.  So that anyone and everyone that wants to learn more about God can have that opportunity.  It's important and significant to me because it's important and significant to God. 

Let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in Heaven.  Matthew 5:16

Nothing I do is for me.  I'm not printing copies of a lesson plan or playing duck, duck goose with toddlers because I think it's going to get me to Heaven.  I don't do it hoping to get a pat on the back.  I do it because it's a part of God's plan and purpose.  I do it because doing those tasks may free up two seconds of someone else's time who can then use that two seconds to reach someone that may not have otherwise been reached.  It's my calling.  It's my "good deeds" that I hope and pray glorify the Father.  That I know glorify the Father because it's what he has called me to do.  And I love it.  And I'll keep doing it for as long as I'm needed. 

My prayer is that others find their calling too.  Serve beside me and help with the behind the scenes stuff or loving on some sweet kiddos.  Be the one up front teaching others.  Be the hands and feet of God.  Sing.  Preach.  Help others.  Fix things.  Make things.  Be a prayer warrior.  God can use us in 1,000,001 different ways.  All we have to do is stop, listen and be willing to do what it is He is asking of us.