Every job I've ever had, I hit this road block at about 18 months. By then, I know my job and I do it well. I've figured out all the tips and secrets. I've got the routines down to an art. I could do every detail of my job in my sleep if I needed to. The problem is that I get complacent and bored. Waldenbooks? 18 months and I moved on to the medical field. Sandpiper Bay Retirement and Nursing Home? 18 months and I started looking for a different location. Haysville Healthcare Center? 18 months and I stopped working to follow my husband with the Air Force. I was a stay-at-home mom for 6 years. When my husband separated from the Air Force though, it was time to return to the workforce. I started working with the school district..... wait for it.... 18 months ago.
I have no problems with work. I like to work! I have wonderful work ethic and am very devoted to my place of employment. When I'm working though, I'm so devoted to my job that I sacrifice time with my family. I'm a great multi-tasker within my daily routine, but for some reason I can only do one thing really well at a time. Since someone is paying me and investing a lot of time/money into me at a job - I feel some kind of obligation to give them the majority of my efforts. That job is the one thing I do really well while my family gets what's left over. <---- That breaks my heart. Some people are fantastic at balancing work-life and family-life. They are super employee from 9 - 5 and super mom from 5 - 9 I'm, unfortunately, just not one of those people.
Looking back at all the things I've done, I always get bored and start itching to move on. The one thing
I never itched at though? Motherhood. Being with my family. It's the
only "job" I've ever done for longer than 18 months and didn't get
bored. I never hit that rut of feeling like I'm not growing or that I'm not making enough of an impact. I think it's because parenthood is always changing and I'm always having
to figure out new things. The "job" of being a parent never stays the
same for long. Just as I start to master one skill, the kids get
another year older, encounter new things/people and I have to keep up.
If I'm going to do one thing really well - I choose my family. Which is what makes me say with confidence and with no regrets that I'm going to resign from my job and be a stay-at-home mom/wife. I'm going to be 30 this year and it's time to focus on us as a family. I want to be there for school plays, parent teacher conferences and to help with school projects. I want to be available at the drop of a hat to talk, cuddle, discipline or console. I want to be able to sneak away and have lunch with my husband while the kids are at school. I also want time to figure out who Glenna is! This could be my time to go back to college, volunteer and get more active with the kids' school and our church. There is just so much I can be devoting my life to other than a paycheck. That is what I choose for me.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Planning a Vacation..... Optimistically!
Holy freakin' cow is it difficult to plan an extravagant family vacation for 5! Not that it's that "extravagant", but we want to do a lot of things. We're going to California and, for the first time EVER in my life, we're going to Disney! None of us have ever seen Cinderella's castle nor hugged Mickey Mouse. I'm so excited that there are no words to even begin to capture how I feel. Planning it all out though?! Wow. It's a lot of work.
I've spent the last year researching, weighing the pros and cons, building a budget and various other tasks. I have several books on my nightstand and countless blogs pinned on my pinterest account. There is just so much information! Which is both wonderful and overwhelming. The more I look and dig though, the more I find.
We're finally starting the process of purchasing airline tickets, hotel rooms and attraction admission. It's exciting and nerve-racking all at the same time. I'm thrilled to go on the hunt for deals and discounts. It's probably my favorite part about planning and what has taken me the most time in my research. For instance, our bank offers rental car discounts; I found "CityPASS" that is going to save us $600 on the price of our attraction tickets and I got a great deal on airline tickets after researching when the perfect time to buy is. It's so much fun! Others may find the word "obnoxious" more appropriate, but it's all one in the same in my book.
I've been obsessed with this Disney trip since last spring. I'm sure everyone is sick of hearing about it by now. You think I'm bad today though? Just you wait until I actually go! I'll have blogs galore about how fantastic it was. Get ready for videos of me crying because I'm so happy while the kids (and husband) are in the background staring at me like I'm crazy.
I've spent the last year researching, weighing the pros and cons, building a budget and various other tasks. I have several books on my nightstand and countless blogs pinned on my pinterest account. There is just so much information! Which is both wonderful and overwhelming. The more I look and dig though, the more I find.
We're finally starting the process of purchasing airline tickets, hotel rooms and attraction admission. It's exciting and nerve-racking all at the same time. I'm thrilled to go on the hunt for deals and discounts. It's probably my favorite part about planning and what has taken me the most time in my research. For instance, our bank offers rental car discounts; I found "CityPASS" that is going to save us $600 on the price of our attraction tickets and I got a great deal on airline tickets after researching when the perfect time to buy is. It's so much fun! Others may find the word "obnoxious" more appropriate, but it's all one in the same in my book.
I've been obsessed with this Disney trip since last spring. I'm sure everyone is sick of hearing about it by now. You think I'm bad today though? Just you wait until I actually go! I'll have blogs galore about how fantastic it was. Get ready for videos of me crying because I'm so happy while the kids (and husband) are in the background staring at me like I'm crazy.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Friday, December 7, 2012
I Have a Diagnosis
Since I started this blog, I've tried to start a post to explain my diagnosis. It's always way too long though or I get frustrated and delete it. Someone asked me a question about my diagnosis on a debate page though, and I think I was able to sum it up pretty easily. So I'm going to share it here and maybe it will finally explain (at least a little bit) my diagnosis.
I was diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) in the fall of 2010. I don't recall what exactly made me realize, "OK, it's time to say something to someone". It had been a long, bumpy road though. I almost died the day after our 3rd child was born due to freak complications from a tubal ligation. No, not complications - more like a screw up. The doctor tied and cut an artery instead of my fallopian tube. He sewed me up and sent me to recovery without realizing his mistake. I started to bleed out and.... well, let's just say that they prepped my husband and family for the worst.
Anyway, that incident was in 2007. For three years, I was just in this haze. I resented our son, I felt like God was punishing me because I spent the whole third pregnancy not wanting it, I was very disconnected from our son and I started to drift away from the responsibilities of being a parent. I just didn't like my life anymore. I kept it bottled up though. Never told anyone. Finally, one day a friend told me to call Military OneSource (a resource center for military and their dependents). So I did, just to talk to someone. I burst into tears (the first time ever) as I told them what had happened to me. I was in counseling the next day and diagnosed with PTSD two weeks later. I stayed in counseling (one session a week) for almost a year. It helped A LOT and helped me get a firm grasp on things again.
I'm now back to loving life as a mother and as a human being as a whole. I know now that I AM worthy of living and I AM worthy of being a mother to these three beautiful children; which is what I felt I wasn't worthy of and the reason I almost died that day. I can now separate irrational thoughts, like that one, from rational ones. The irrational ones still pop into my head quite often, but I can dismiss them away more easily now.
The worst part for me is that you're never "cured" of anxiety and depression disorders. I will battle with it forever. Most days, I completely manage it. Other days, it's too much and I have to find other techniques to remove myself from situations. You definitely learn to manage and control things though. It's a glimmer of hope and what I strive for on the daily.
I was diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) in the fall of 2010. I don't recall what exactly made me realize, "OK, it's time to say something to someone". It had been a long, bumpy road though. I almost died the day after our 3rd child was born due to freak complications from a tubal ligation. No, not complications - more like a screw up. The doctor tied and cut an artery instead of my fallopian tube. He sewed me up and sent me to recovery without realizing his mistake. I started to bleed out and.... well, let's just say that they prepped my husband and family for the worst.
Anyway, that incident was in 2007. For three years, I was just in this haze. I resented our son, I felt like God was punishing me because I spent the whole third pregnancy not wanting it, I was very disconnected from our son and I started to drift away from the responsibilities of being a parent. I just didn't like my life anymore. I kept it bottled up though. Never told anyone. Finally, one day a friend told me to call Military OneSource (a resource center for military and their dependents). So I did, just to talk to someone. I burst into tears (the first time ever) as I told them what had happened to me. I was in counseling the next day and diagnosed with PTSD two weeks later. I stayed in counseling (one session a week) for almost a year. It helped A LOT and helped me get a firm grasp on things again.
I'm now back to loving life as a mother and as a human being as a whole. I know now that I AM worthy of living and I AM worthy of being a mother to these three beautiful children; which is what I felt I wasn't worthy of and the reason I almost died that day. I can now separate irrational thoughts, like that one, from rational ones. The irrational ones still pop into my head quite often, but I can dismiss them away more easily now.
The worst part for me is that you're never "cured" of anxiety and depression disorders. I will battle with it forever. Most days, I completely manage it. Other days, it's too much and I have to find other techniques to remove myself from situations. You definitely learn to manage and control things though. It's a glimmer of hope and what I strive for on the daily.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Blessing of Friendships: Past and Present
I still stay connected with "friends from high school", but to say with confidence that they are my friends? With great sadness I have to confess that no, we're not. We've all drifted apart and moved on to different life paths. Which is completely okay and wonderful in it's own right, it just sucks sometimes that I didn't take full advantage of building good, healthy, strong relationships when I was younger. I was just never socially mature enough in my youth to create those life-long friendships. I didn't understand the importance nor appreciate the affect it would have in the long run.
Now, don't misunderstand me. I'm certainly not old. Even when I was a child, I don't recall thinking 30 was old (I'm not 30 yet though! That's next year!). So I'm still in my realm of "youthfulness". Thank the Lord that I've matured and grown over the years though and have learned how to grow and embrace healthy, happy, strong friendships. I'm even happy to report, and maybe gloat a little, that I have several wonderful women that I get to call true friends. Women that I'm so thankful for and am blessed daily to have them in my life.
My friends are those kind of people that will call me on my bullcrap and, after the tongue lashing, buy me a Dr Pepper and chat it up about what we're going to do next weekend. My friends are the kind of women that aren't afraid to cry and wouldn't hesitate to hold my hand when I cry. My friends are those kinds of friends that I can talk to anything about. We can discuss our differing views on religion, debate our political views, laugh at how bizarre some fashions are, joke about 'when we were younger' and indulge in personal information about our love lives. All with complete confidence that it would never leave the confines of our little friendship bubble.
On one hand, it breaks my heart that I didn't create nor understand the importance of having that kind of connection when I was younger. I sometimes mourn for those friendships lost, but also count my blessings that at least I had them for a little while. But on the other hand, I count my blessings daily that not only do I understand it all now, but am blessed enough to have true friendship that I know will last a lifetime.
I love you all. You know who you are.
Now, don't misunderstand me. I'm certainly not old. Even when I was a child, I don't recall thinking 30 was old (I'm not 30 yet though! That's next year!). So I'm still in my realm of "youthfulness". Thank the Lord that I've matured and grown over the years though and have learned how to grow and embrace healthy, happy, strong friendships. I'm even happy to report, and maybe gloat a little, that I have several wonderful women that I get to call true friends. Women that I'm so thankful for and am blessed daily to have them in my life.
My friends are those kind of people that will call me on my bullcrap and, after the tongue lashing, buy me a Dr Pepper and chat it up about what we're going to do next weekend. My friends are the kind of women that aren't afraid to cry and wouldn't hesitate to hold my hand when I cry. My friends are those kinds of friends that I can talk to anything about. We can discuss our differing views on religion, debate our political views, laugh at how bizarre some fashions are, joke about 'when we were younger' and indulge in personal information about our love lives. All with complete confidence that it would never leave the confines of our little friendship bubble.
On one hand, it breaks my heart that I didn't create nor understand the importance of having that kind of connection when I was younger. I sometimes mourn for those friendships lost, but also count my blessings that at least I had them for a little while. But on the other hand, I count my blessings daily that not only do I understand it all now, but am blessed enough to have true friendship that I know will last a lifetime.
I love you all. You know who you are.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Does Life Go On?
A series of really tragic events within our local community has me thinking about my own tragic events within my life. Correction, our lives. Because when something tragic happens, it affects a whole circle of people, not just one. It has me wondering, does life truly go on? Or does it just come to an awkward stand still and everything else starts to revolve around that incident instead? Most days, I feel like life truly does go on. Other days though...... not so much. I don't know if I've mentioned it in this blog before, but I have PTSD. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Something you usually associate with a soldier returning from war, but in my case, it was a medical traumatic experience. A 'routine procedure' gone terribly wrong. Proof positive for me that "routine" in life is never really routine. Anything can happen at any moment to change our lives forever.
When I start sitting around contemplating "life" and how it progresses, I find myself hitting these little walls. Not walls so high that I can't get over them, but definitely hurdles in my everyday life. The thing I struggle most with my PTSD is that it's never cured. You never stop having PTSD. Some people cope really well and can usually maintain control of their thoughts/feelings while other people don't do as well. I'm lucky that I'm generally the former. With all that's been happening lately, all the loss of lives far too soon, I can't help but hit one of those walls though. This go around, it's the anger and the inability to understand why it happens to one person and not the next.
Why did I survive? Why do others not survive when they have just as much right to live as I do? Why did my husband have to go through the experience of almost losing his wife and mother of his children? My heart aches the most when I think of how he must have felt during that whole ordeal. How do you walk into a room and see hundreds of tubes and wires coming out of the person you love the most while the medical staff is telling you to prepare yourself for the worst? I just go back and forth in my head. It's not fair. It's not right. Life goes on, but it's so much different than before. I guess it's a new kind of life. I appreciate things more now. But in that same line of thought, I worry more too. "Worse Case Scenario" happened to me. I can't explain things away with, "Well, the likelihood of that happening is practically non-existent". That 0.05% chance of something bad happening happened to me! How do you go on with life always wondering what you could have done differently or waiting for that next bad thing to happen? I wish I had the exact answer, but somehow...... you just do. For as long as I'm still alive, life quite literally goes on. I just have to remind myself, more often than I like to admit, that I have to make the best of it rather than be consumed by the things I cannot change. Does my life sometimes stand still and revolve around the memories of that day? Yes. I always snap out of it though and keep moving forward. For as long as I'm able to keep doing that; Life Goes On.
When I start sitting around contemplating "life" and how it progresses, I find myself hitting these little walls. Not walls so high that I can't get over them, but definitely hurdles in my everyday life. The thing I struggle most with my PTSD is that it's never cured. You never stop having PTSD. Some people cope really well and can usually maintain control of their thoughts/feelings while other people don't do as well. I'm lucky that I'm generally the former. With all that's been happening lately, all the loss of lives far too soon, I can't help but hit one of those walls though. This go around, it's the anger and the inability to understand why it happens to one person and not the next.
Why did I survive? Why do others not survive when they have just as much right to live as I do? Why did my husband have to go through the experience of almost losing his wife and mother of his children? My heart aches the most when I think of how he must have felt during that whole ordeal. How do you walk into a room and see hundreds of tubes and wires coming out of the person you love the most while the medical staff is telling you to prepare yourself for the worst? I just go back and forth in my head. It's not fair. It's not right. Life goes on, but it's so much different than before. I guess it's a new kind of life. I appreciate things more now. But in that same line of thought, I worry more too. "Worse Case Scenario" happened to me. I can't explain things away with, "Well, the likelihood of that happening is practically non-existent". That 0.05% chance of something bad happening happened to me! How do you go on with life always wondering what you could have done differently or waiting for that next bad thing to happen? I wish I had the exact answer, but somehow...... you just do. For as long as I'm still alive, life quite literally goes on. I just have to remind myself, more often than I like to admit, that I have to make the best of it rather than be consumed by the things I cannot change. Does my life sometimes stand still and revolve around the memories of that day? Yes. I always snap out of it though and keep moving forward. For as long as I'm able to keep doing that; Life Goes On.
Monday, July 23, 2012
What Defines You?
Every now and again, that timeless ice breaker conversation pops up. "Who are you? What defines you as a person?" There's the average, go-to answers: I'm a wife, a mom, a good friend, etc. And I am all of those things, per titles given to me, but is it really what defines who I am as a person? I'm a good friend, but why am I good friend? I'm a mom, but what kind of mom? I'm married, but how do I make my marriage work? I feel like the answers to those questions offer up more of a clearer picture of what truly defines me.
I'm optimistic, loving, patient, kind, understanding, compassionate and open-minded. I love Jesus and try to live my life the way He would want me to live it, but I fail miserably and often. I'm passionate, opinionated, shy, old-fashioned and motherly. I'm socially awkward and don't feel like I fit in, but very friendly and polite. I'm silly, funny and smart. I stutter when I'm nervous, uncomfortable or overwhelmed. I snort when I laugh really hard.
I love my husband. I love that people gasp when they learn about how young we were when we married and how long we've been happily together. I love that people smile when we tell them about our old-fashioned views on marriage and love. I adore the way he drives me insane but makes me so happy within the same moment. I love the way he makes me laugh when all I wanna do is be upset. And the way that he stands beside me even when I'm in the wrong..... melts a girls heart. I love that he's an old-fashioned gentleman with real manners; and not just because that's what he was taught, but because that's what he truly believes is right.
I love my children. I love the adventure of being a parent. I love that you can make mistakes and keep moving forward; sometimes learning and growing more from the mistakes than from the things that just come naturally. I love that when I'm away from them, I want nothing more than to hear about their day or to watch them interact with their friends. I love that when I'm with them, they smother me with so much affection and love that I'm overwhelmed by it. I love that their smile and their laugh can make me happier than anything else on this planet.
What defines me? It's not that I'm a wife or a mother. It's not my job and it's not who I associate with. What defines me is how I live each day within those titles and within my life. I was Glenna long before I was a mother or a wife. Those things are certainly a part of me and helped me to evolve from a young girl to a strong woman. But at the core of it all, I'm still me and I am what defines all of those things; not the other way around. And I'm happy with that.
I'm optimistic, loving, patient, kind, understanding, compassionate and open-minded. I love Jesus and try to live my life the way He would want me to live it, but I fail miserably and often. I'm passionate, opinionated, shy, old-fashioned and motherly. I'm socially awkward and don't feel like I fit in, but very friendly and polite. I'm silly, funny and smart. I stutter when I'm nervous, uncomfortable or overwhelmed. I snort when I laugh really hard.
I love my husband. I love that people gasp when they learn about how young we were when we married and how long we've been happily together. I love that people smile when we tell them about our old-fashioned views on marriage and love. I adore the way he drives me insane but makes me so happy within the same moment. I love the way he makes me laugh when all I wanna do is be upset. And the way that he stands beside me even when I'm in the wrong..... melts a girls heart. I love that he's an old-fashioned gentleman with real manners; and not just because that's what he was taught, but because that's what he truly believes is right.
I love my children. I love the adventure of being a parent. I love that you can make mistakes and keep moving forward; sometimes learning and growing more from the mistakes than from the things that just come naturally. I love that when I'm away from them, I want nothing more than to hear about their day or to watch them interact with their friends. I love that when I'm with them, they smother me with so much affection and love that I'm overwhelmed by it. I love that their smile and their laugh can make me happier than anything else on this planet.
What defines me? It's not that I'm a wife or a mother. It's not my job and it's not who I associate with. What defines me is how I live each day within those titles and within my life. I was Glenna long before I was a mother or a wife. Those things are certainly a part of me and helped me to evolve from a young girl to a strong woman. But at the core of it all, I'm still me and I am what defines all of those things; not the other way around. And I'm happy with that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)