The Epic Debate Continues: Stay-At-Home vs Working Mom

We hear about the "war" all the time between mothers.  Which is harder, better, smarter and more fulfilling -   staying at home full-time to tend to the family or raising a family while also working outside of the home?  Women battle about it daily at PTO meetings, while gossiping on the front porch with friends, while sitting in the office with coworkers or while debating about it online.  Everyone has their opinion about which one is "right".

I couldn't care less what other people think is right.  What's best for one family is not what is best for another.  And both situations have their pros and cons; struggles and strengths.  Both have the potential to be very fulfilling.  I've done both.  I worked for several years, stayed home for several years and am back to working again.  My 'epic debate' is not with others - it is with myself.

It never fails.  When I'm a stay-at-home mom, I think of all the reasons why I'd like to return to work.  I'd like to contribute more money to the family, I'd like to have the opportunity to meet new friends, I'd like some me time away from everyone, etc, etc.  When I'm working outside the home though, I think of all the reasons why I'd like to stay home.  I'd save tons of money on gas/daycare, I'd have the opportunity to be much more involved with the kids' school life, I'd have some time away from everyone to do things that I like to do, etc, etc.  The pros and cons seem to stack up evenly each time. 

How does one decide?  When you have a firm grasp on what both lifestyles are like, but the pros and cons come out even every time, how do you choose?  How do I know what is "right"?  Maybe it's not about what's right or what's better or what's more fulfilling.  Maybe it's about just trusting my gut and doing what feels right rather than what looks good on paper. 

I'll have to get back to this one.  For now, the epic debate continues......

Optimistic Me

I take back what I said in my last post.  About there "not really being any reason not to be pleasant".  When I refer to myself as an optimistic person, it has nothing to do with my life being sunshine and rainbows all the time.  I'm sure most people could find it pretty easy to be optimistic when things are good.  So let me assure you that my life is not sunshine and rainbows all the time.  I actually have lots of reasons to not be pleasant.  I'll spare you and not make an actual list though.

If my life were easy and picture perfect, I wouldn't be optimistic.  At least, not in my head.  Optimism, to me, is finding the good in even the worst of situations.  So if everything was going perfectly, it wouldn't really be optimism that I had.  It'd be contentment.  I don't want to be just content.  I want to have life experiences that make me a better person and help me to grow.  I'm a firm believer that I learn more through trials and tribulations than I do if I were just coasting along and everything was peachy.  But optimism means I don't allow myself to be beaten down by those trials and tribulations.  Rather than being consumed by the 'bad' of any given situation, I focus on the light at the end of the tunnel and the fact that I'll be a better person by the time all is said and done.  I don't want to come out the other side of a situation with nothing but bitterness, anger and regret.  That's not gonna do me any good.  But if I come out the other side of a situation with knowledge and experience for the future..... then I'm a-ok. 

I have lots of things in my life that could make me feel justified in being an unpleasant person or being pessimistic.  I could sit around and wait for the other shoe to drop, because in my experience, it always does.....but I choose not to.  That is Optimistic Me.

I'm Nice, Dammit!

As I smiled politely at the Dollar Store clerk like I do most mornings that I stop in there (for a soda and a snack for my kids or my coworkers), she looked at me and said, "Why are you always so pleasant?  Perky people really piss me off.".  What?!?!  Since when did being polite and friendly become a bad thing?  Why am I always so pleasant, you ask?  Because I'm nice, dammit!  Perky people piss you off?  Well then, pessimistic people piss me off!

OK, I didn't actually get my panties in a wad.  That was a nice release though.  I feel better.  What I actually did was just continue to politely smile and said something charming.  Something about all of God's blessings and no real reason to not be pleasant.  Even if I was a pessimistic or grouchy person; the lady ringing up my Dr Pepper and Snickers bar didn't do anything to me, so why wouldn't I be nice and pleasant?  I just don't understand the ideal that everyone is supposed to be moping around and wallowing in the suckage that we call life. 

Even in the darkest parts of my darkest days (and yes, I've had some dark days), there was always a glimmer of light somewhere.  I had to look for it, and that's half the battle, but that sure is more fun to focus on than the darkness.  Where has being bitter and grouchy ever gotten anyone?  I can't fathom that it's a fulfilling life to lead.  I can't imagine people enjoy being surrounded by others who are just constantly doom and gloom. 


Don't get me wrong.  Super enthusiastic, hyped-up on coffee, cheerleader for life type people can get under my skin too.  I'm not gonna do a cartwheel in the middle of the store and declare how wonderfully happy I am today.  I'm not going to spontaneously burst out into choreographed song and dance like they do in the movies.  But I am going to smile, be pleasant and "perky" as often as possible.  Why?  Well, why not?  It makes me happy.  It reflects my attitude on life accurately.  And it's a proven fact that a smile is contagious.  So for those few people who are pissed off by my perkiness; I can guarantee there are many more people that are uplifted by it. 

Unconditional Pride

I was looking through my jewelry box and found a necklace that my mother-in-law bought me during my husband's boot camp graduation.  It's a little silver heart with the words, "Proud of My Airman" inscribed on it.  Really cute, but..... I never really wore it.  I don't know why I never really wore it, but I just didn't.  Now that he's out of the military, I think I'm understanding it more and more though.

My husband is the same man today as he was when we married over 10-years ago.  He's grown and matured over the years of course, but at the core, he's still the same man.  He's a hard-worker, he's honest, he's noble and he's a gentleman.  The military didn't make him any of those things.  It just is who he is.  I was just as proud and honored to be his wife when he worked in a grocery store as I was when he served in the military.  And I'm still just as proud and honored to be his wife now that he's out of the military as I was the day that we said, "I do".  His career has very little to do with why I'm so proud of him and so in love with him.  I never wore "Proud of My Grocery Store Manager" necklaces before the military though.  I never put signs in my yard or stickers on my car stating, "Proud Produce Managers Wife".  I don't currently have a "I Support My HVAC Technician" sticker on the van.  So why, when he joined the military, was I suddenly more eager to let the world know that I was proud of him?  Why only then did people buy me necklaces saying I was proud of him?  Why only then did I put a sticker on my van in support of him and all other troops.  I supported the troops BEFORE he joined.

So in some sense, I'm ashamed of myself.  I'm ashamed that it took my own husband enlisting to suddenly make hanging an American flag in front of our house a priority; or wearing a yellow ribbon to show my support for the troops.  I should have done those things anyway.  And I'm a little ashamed of myself that I wasn't as boastful about my pride in him before the military as I was while he was serving.  I love, support and am proud of my husband in everything he does.... always will be.  The military shouldn't have been the shove to make me want to shout it from the rooftops.  My pride and support of my husband should be unconditional.

Wedding Regrets

I constantly hear people talking about how they regret not hiring a certain D.J. or regret not hiring a photographer or regret not having a bigger venue for their wedding.  I hear of people who had a court house wedding and regret not having something more traditional.  But how often do we hear about people who regret doing things the traditional way and wish they would have been more non-traditional?  Not often.  I'm one of those people though.

We had the church ceremony more-so because it's what was the norm and it was what other people wanted.  I really hated the idea of putting on a show for other people though.  The love that my husband and I shared (and continue to share and grows over ten years later) had almost zero to do with anyone else, and we certainly didn't need to put on a big production just to show others how much we loved each other.  But for the sake of tradition, that's what we did.  I bought a nice, traditional dress off the clearance rack.  He rented a tux.  My veil was a thrift store find.  The church was the one we both attended, thus it was a free venue.  We threw some faux flower arrangements together and my mother made a simple wedding cake.  Our photographer was a friend from college and the videographer was my parents' old camcorder set up on a tripod.  Everything was as simple and as inexpensive as possible.  I just wasn't into the show.  I wanted to marry the man that I loved and couldn't give two craps about the details.

I wish I could successfully convey to other couples that if you want the big production.... that's awesome.  Go for it.  It can be so fun to share that experience with friends and family.  But don't ever feel like you missed out if you didn't do the big production.  A marriage is an intimate, passionate, personal, private relationship between two people.  The wedding doesn't have to be any different.  I regret making myself do a big show for other people (even though it wasn't that big) when all I wanted to do was have a private moment with the man I loved to vow to him that I was gonna continue to love him like that, and more, for the rest of our lives.  Our marriage today wouldn't be any different either way. 

Is It Really Forgiveness?

I got in a bit of an undesirable discussion with a family member several months back.  Feelings were hurt and grudges were held.  Unbeknownst to me, those feelings and grudges continued on for months and months and months.  When I became aware of the situation, I tried to explain and apologized sincerely and frequently...... without much reciprocation or even acknowledgment.  Just more hurt feelings and grudges. 

After much thought and discussion with my husband, I decided to apologize one last time and just leave the ball in their court.  I had to accept the fact that I can't force someone to forgive me or even to accept my apology.  So that's what I did.  Weeks, months went by with no acknowledgment.  Something I had to just accept and move on.

Yesterday, I finally got an email from the other party.  They apologized for not responding earlier and said they heard a quote that fit the situation perfectly; "Words can be forgiven, but never forgotten".  Which I understand to be completely true, BUT...... it begs the question, is it really forgiveness?  As one of my dear friends always says, why bury the hatchet if you're just gonna leave the handle sticking up out of the ground?

Beggars can't be choosers I suppose, so I'll take this as the first step towards rebuilding the damaged relationship with my family member, but I can't help but feel like it was a backhanded attempt.  "I forgive you, but I'm gonna hold onto these hurt feelings for just a little while longer."  It makes we wonder if we really will ever be able to  move on.  Or if every time they look at me, their brow is going to scrunch and their lip curl just a little bit because all they are thinking about is that undesirable discussion from late last year.  *sigh* Only time will tell, I suppose.  I guess "Forgive and Forget" is unattainable at this point.

How Can One "Abuse" the System When You Can't Even Get Into the System?

During our exhausting ordeal with leaving the military life and his civilian employee laying him off, we educated ourselves about our options for getting over the hump.  We called the bank and asked to skip a month of payments on our van, we called the mortgage company and asked for the same, and we looked into unemployment benefits and food assistance programs.  The latter was the biggest hit to our pride.

No one WANTS to be on food stamps.  No self-respecting mother/father wants to admit to themselves that they screwed up financially by not having anything in savings and is now out of a job and can't even afford to put food on the table.  It's not a proud moment.  Really, it's not.  So we applied for food stamps.  We were well below the financial qualifications.  A family of 5 living on a custodians income?  You can imagine how "poor" we were.

When we first submitted the information, we got a call saying they were gonna expedite our case and get us supplements ASAP.  We were very happy and relieved.  The beginning of February, we were gonna have money for groceries.  Awesome.  By mid-February though, still no assistance.  We'd call regularly and all they'd say is "The case is still pending".  So on day 30, we got a "denied" letter.  Denied?!?!  Why??!?!  We qualify and we're denied?! 

The explanation we got was that our banking information showed that we had a savings account, but we didn't report how much money was in it.  Um.... that's because there was NOTHING in it.  In fact, our bank closed our savings account because it was empty for too long.  So we had to appeal our case and send in a certified letter stating that we had no addition money stored away.  They also had to verify that my husband's job really did lay him off.  Because since he was still technically employed (they told him business was slow and they'd call him if they needed him), they also used that as grounds to deny us.  Because although we qualified at that moment, he could return to work at any moment and thus no longer qualify.  News flash to me that you can be denied because you MIGHT go back to work soon.  In that case, no one should qualify.  Everyone MIGHT find a better paying job soon or return to work soon. 

I wasn't thrilled, but continued to play the game.  Because we could really use that help to get us through the rough patch.  So again, our case worker promised to expedite our appeals case and get us assistance as soon as possible.  A week later, we called for an update.  "When we appealed that case, it gave me another 30 days to make a decision.  We'll let you know."  *sigh*  I gave up at that point.  If we got it, we got it.  It's now been close to 60 days.  No letter in the mail, no phone calls and our case worker won't answer/return any of our calls.  At this point, we're just calling to tell her that we're back on our feet and no longer need any assistance. 

So my whole thought process in all of this is...... how exactly do people "abuse the system"?  We couldn't even get through all the red tape to get INTO the system, let alone to abuse it!!  lol  I was venting to a friend of mine who made a very good point.  Maybe that's WHY people 'abuse the system' and not report when they get new income or things like that.  Look how hard it is to even get benefits in the first place!   

*Note: I am not condoning cheating/abusing the system.  It's not right and isn't fair to people who really do need it in the way that it's intended.  But the point is, I played the game and it's frustrating and exhausting and defeating.  So I can't fathom that the majority are abusing the system.  The majority use it as it's intended (since it's so difficult to get it in the first place) and the few that do abuse it should NOT be a representation of all.  Statistics show that less than 5% of recipients commit fraud to receive those benefits.  It's a very small number, despite how people like to paint the picture of coach bags, fancy cars, new cell phones and food stamps.