Probably one of the biggest reasons I hear from people for their poor attitudes, their lack of motivation, their inattentiveness, and their stress (among lots of other things) is that they are tired. I know it's one of my go-to excuses. I'm tired. Or hungry. That's another excuse. Hangriness is something I fight regularly. But I digress - 'tired' is what I want to address today.
So how many times a day, how many things in our life, do we give little to know effort because we're just too tired? What is it that is sucking most of our energy. What gets our best effort (or, at least, the best we can give that day) and what falls through the cracks? It's all rhetorical, so just think about it. You don't have to answer. I know my answers though. My answers aren't something I'm too proud of either.
But alas, I'm still tired. Not always in a "I need more sleep" kind of tired, but just totally over whatever it is I know I need to be doing. Suddenly doing nothing is all I have the energy to do. Then things don't get done and I get frustrated and stressed.... and feel even more tired. It's a viscous cycle. I get snippy with people because things aren't going how I want, but I'm also not putting in the work necessary to make sure those things are done. Why? You guessed it, because I'm too tired. No one wins. Everyone is affected negatively by it. I get more and more frustrated. All those feelings get misplaced onto other things and I just spread it around. My marriage suffers from my tiredness. My kids suffer from my tiredness. My work suffers from my tiredness. My friendships suffer because I'm tired. My quiet time with God suffers from my tiredness. Ouch. That's a lot of suffering just because I'm tired. Am I alone in this or are you nodding along as you read this?
We're ALL tired though, right? Yet some people can just keep on chugging along. They are the little engine that could. Go, go, go. They are tired, they probably catch a nap when they can, but they are very aware of the work necessary to stay on top of the tiredness. They do what it takes to not let it consume them and alter their true joys in life. On my best weeks, I'm totally that person! The rest of the weeks though, not so much.
I love Isaiah 40:28-31
Do you not know? Have you not heard? The
LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He
will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but
those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on
wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and
not be faint.
Even youth. Even carefree, young, healthy, free youth get tired. We ALL get tired. Love that acknowledgement in this text. But wait! There's more! It gets better! We all get tired, we all stumble and fall...... but the Lord will renew our strength. This doesn't mean one quick prayer is going to suddenly turn us into the energizer bunny. This isn't talking about physical tiredness. It simply means that when our focus is Him, when we remember the WHY of our everyday lives , even when we do get tired we can find strength in continuing to move forward. I know that on my most exhausted days, when I genuinely feel like I can't do a single thing more for myself yet alone anyone else - the moment I am reminded that so many things in my life are a blessing and a calling from God Himself - I suddenly find just that little bit more energy to push through. Or at the very least, to not be a horrid hag to everyone around me while I take a breather.
It's okay to be tired. It's not okay to let it define you. It's not okay to let neglect the most important things in life. It's not okay to stop doing the Lord's work (be it personal, family, or ministry callings) and negatively affect your witness just because you're pooped. The Lord is our strength. How can I ever feel tired when I think of that?! I feel super energized just talking about it! I get to do the Lord's work! Be that working at the schools and being a light in lives I may never know are impacted. Be that sitting in a meeting to sort through some details to help church run smoothly. Be that putting down my 'to-do list' and playing a card game with my kids. Tired? I've got the Almighty God on my side ALL of the time, cheering me on like a proud father, rejoicing in my wins and comforting me in my losses! Who's tired now?
Saturday, January 12, 2019
Sunday, December 2, 2018
Parenting PhD
I used to work in the medical field. I went to nursing school and spent countless hours studying and trying to understand everything that that entails. Unfortunately, I didn't finish, but still stayed in the medical field. I worked in geriatrics taking care of the elderly. I dabbled in wound care and administration of prescription medication. Eventually though, the Lord blessed me with the opportunity to be a stay-at-home Mom and I rode that adventure for a long time; leaving the medical field behind.
Through parenting though, I have realized it's a lot like the medical field. Just like they call it "practicing medicine" because you spend your entire career doing everything you've been taught but also continuously learning and growing - so do you "practice parenting" for 18+ years. I'm only at year 14, but I still learn something new every single day. The things that worked when they were younger don't work now. I have to constantly keep practicing, learning as I go, and using my mistakes as reference for future successes. And just like in the medical field - lives are at stake.
Yet I sit here wondering how many parenting ailments we encounter and put all our efforts into treating the symptoms rather than digging deep to find the root of the problem. In the medical field, for example, if a patient has a fever we know that that means the body is fighting off some kind of something. An infection or a virus, perhaps. There's something that was introduced to our body that our body recognizes as "foreign", so it raises it's temperature to try to kill it. What do we do? We take tylenol to reduce our fever. Which is great, but that's not helping the SOURCE of the fever. We've now stopped the fever, but possibly enabled the source to continue to worsen.... until our fever comes back and we have to start all over again.
How often do we do that in our parenting? We see an unwanted behavior, and we just want it to go away. We do something, anything, to stop the unwanted behavior. The symptom. Sometimes thus enabling the unwanted behavior. While in some instances, we MUST 'reduce the fever' for the safety and sanity of everyone, we can't just leave it there. We have to find the root of the issue. WHY are they acting the way they are acting? We can give them candy to be good, or hand them an electronic device to keep them quiet, or give in to their demands to stop the tantrum; but all we've done is treated the symptom without even touching the source of it.
I deal with a lot of bad attitudes in my household right now. My own sometimes as often as the kids'. I know what to do to stop the symptom, but don't always take the time and effort necessary to address the root of the problem. I'm fully aware of how easy it is to just give in and quiet the immediate craziness, but all that's doing is leaving the door wide open for more instances of the same in the future. It's exhausting, but we have to take the time to treat the source of the issue every single time if at all possible. In the end, that will cure the issue in a quicker amount of time than if we just continuously pacify it. So that we can then move on to the next issue that will inevitably arise. I don't think any of us are getting our parenting PhD anytime soon, but we can keep practicing every single day and getting a little closer. We have VERY important patients and their lives are at stake. Who they are as adults will reflect, in at least some small way, on how we treated them as children. Did we just treat the symptoms or did we teach them the cure their ailments?
Through parenting though, I have realized it's a lot like the medical field. Just like they call it "practicing medicine" because you spend your entire career doing everything you've been taught but also continuously learning and growing - so do you "practice parenting" for 18+ years. I'm only at year 14, but I still learn something new every single day. The things that worked when they were younger don't work now. I have to constantly keep practicing, learning as I go, and using my mistakes as reference for future successes. And just like in the medical field - lives are at stake.
Yet I sit here wondering how many parenting ailments we encounter and put all our efforts into treating the symptoms rather than digging deep to find the root of the problem. In the medical field, for example, if a patient has a fever we know that that means the body is fighting off some kind of something. An infection or a virus, perhaps. There's something that was introduced to our body that our body recognizes as "foreign", so it raises it's temperature to try to kill it. What do we do? We take tylenol to reduce our fever. Which is great, but that's not helping the SOURCE of the fever. We've now stopped the fever, but possibly enabled the source to continue to worsen.... until our fever comes back and we have to start all over again.
How often do we do that in our parenting? We see an unwanted behavior, and we just want it to go away. We do something, anything, to stop the unwanted behavior. The symptom. Sometimes thus enabling the unwanted behavior. While in some instances, we MUST 'reduce the fever' for the safety and sanity of everyone, we can't just leave it there. We have to find the root of the issue. WHY are they acting the way they are acting? We can give them candy to be good, or hand them an electronic device to keep them quiet, or give in to their demands to stop the tantrum; but all we've done is treated the symptom without even touching the source of it.
I deal with a lot of bad attitudes in my household right now. My own sometimes as often as the kids'. I know what to do to stop the symptom, but don't always take the time and effort necessary to address the root of the problem. I'm fully aware of how easy it is to just give in and quiet the immediate craziness, but all that's doing is leaving the door wide open for more instances of the same in the future. It's exhausting, but we have to take the time to treat the source of the issue every single time if at all possible. In the end, that will cure the issue in a quicker amount of time than if we just continuously pacify it. So that we can then move on to the next issue that will inevitably arise. I don't think any of us are getting our parenting PhD anytime soon, but we can keep practicing every single day and getting a little closer. We have VERY important patients and their lives are at stake. Who they are as adults will reflect, in at least some small way, on how we treated them as children. Did we just treat the symptoms or did we teach them the cure their ailments?
Thursday, February 8, 2018
Front Yard Mission
A wonderful woman came to speak at our church on Sunday. She's a missionary called to serve in Africa. She talked about the ever present "debate" of foreign missions versus local missions. People tend to ask why we need to go halfway around the world to tell people about Jesus when there are people right next door that need to hear about Jesus. Which I can understand, because it's certainly true. Not everyone will be called to foreign missions, and that's fine, but she asked the question, "So what are you doing?". If you acknowledge that there are people right next door that need to hear about Jesus, what are you doing to make sure they hear it?
We must be just as intentional about local missions as we are about foreign missions. It's okay if you don't feel called to go to Africa or Honduras or Asia..... as long as you are answering His call to be on mission where you currently are. This year, I'm spending a lot of time researching, studying, and finding resources for people who feel exactly that - like they are on mission right where they are. For those of us with kids, that means our own household is a mission field. It is our responsibility to raise children in a Christ-centered home. It is our responsibility to lead by example, training them up in the way they should go, and praying for them every step of the way. As parents, within our own home, there is a great responsibility to make disciples of our own children.
As adults in general, we have a great opportunity to be on mission within our neighborhoods and communities. I can't walk up and down my street and tell you much about my neighbors. Nor could they tell others much about me. That's a problem. How are we spreading the good news of Jesus Christ if we don't do much more than a friendly wave or quick nod of the head before hurrying back inside our home? We must be more intentional than that. We must step outside our comfort zones, outside of our yards, and GO. If that means go to the end of the block rather than go to the other side of the world, then so be it, but do it with purpose. Be intentional. Be bold. Be a light for others to see. It doesn't take much to strike up a conversation with a neighbor, it doesn't take long to build a friendship, and that all opens the door for sharing some of the most important, significant news they'll ever hear. We cannot sit at church waiting for non-believers to come to us and call that "local missions". We must go to them and meet them where they are.
We must be just as intentional about local missions as we are about foreign missions. It's okay if you don't feel called to go to Africa or Honduras or Asia..... as long as you are answering His call to be on mission where you currently are. This year, I'm spending a lot of time researching, studying, and finding resources for people who feel exactly that - like they are on mission right where they are. For those of us with kids, that means our own household is a mission field. It is our responsibility to raise children in a Christ-centered home. It is our responsibility to lead by example, training them up in the way they should go, and praying for them every step of the way. As parents, within our own home, there is a great responsibility to make disciples of our own children.
As adults in general, we have a great opportunity to be on mission within our neighborhoods and communities. I can't walk up and down my street and tell you much about my neighbors. Nor could they tell others much about me. That's a problem. How are we spreading the good news of Jesus Christ if we don't do much more than a friendly wave or quick nod of the head before hurrying back inside our home? We must be more intentional than that. We must step outside our comfort zones, outside of our yards, and GO. If that means go to the end of the block rather than go to the other side of the world, then so be it, but do it with purpose. Be intentional. Be bold. Be a light for others to see. It doesn't take much to strike up a conversation with a neighbor, it doesn't take long to build a friendship, and that all opens the door for sharing some of the most important, significant news they'll ever hear. We cannot sit at church waiting for non-believers to come to us and call that "local missions". We must go to them and meet them where they are.
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
You Are Not Perfect
Dear Children,
I'm about to say something to you that many parents will probably gasp at and think is a horrible thing to say. I'm going to say it anyway though, because you need to know it and you need to understand. You are not perfect. You are many things - you are loved, you are smart, you are funny, you are wonderfully made - but you are not perfect. You are not perfect because you were made by two very imperfect people. You are not perfect because it's impossible to live in this world, full of sin, and be perfect. Only one person was ever perfect and considering you weren't born of a virgin and you aren't walking on water anytime soon - you aren't Him.
Let me explain to you why I feel you need to know that I don't think you are perfect. Too many times in life, this cute little picture is painted of the "perfect parent" loving their "perfect children" and everything is just sunshine and rainbows. While I certainly have my moments that I look at you and can't help but feel you are the most perfect thing I've ever laid my eyes on, the alarm goes off and you wake up all cranky telling me how mean I am for making you where pants when it's 50 degrees outside. While I love you immensely, I don't look at you as perfect, because you aren't. Because none of us are. Trying to convince you that you are would be a disservice.
You, sweet children of mine, are flawed. You will make more mistakes in life than you'll ever be able to count. You'll say the wrong thing and do the wrong thing. You'll have moments when you are filled with anger and resentment. You'll make bad decisions and have to suffer the consequences. There may even be times that I'm so upset with you, I won't know exactly what to do. I'll love you through it all though. Through every imperfect moment of your entire lives, I will love you.
Now I'm going to tell you another thing that parents probably aren't really suppose to say to their children. *I* am not perfect. I am flawed beyond measure. I've made more mistakes in my life than I can count. As your parent, I will say the wrong things and do the wrong things. I'll have moments when I am filled with anger and resentment. I'll make bad decisions and have to suffer the consequences. There will be times that you're very upset with me and you'll want to runaway from home and swear that you'll never talk to me again. I'll love you through it all though. Through every imperfect moment of my entire life, I will love you always.
You are not perfect, because I am not perfect. Your Daddy is not perfect. Your friends, your mentors, your teachers and everyone else you encounter are not perfect. Nor should you ever feel the need to try to be "perfect" to any of them. Know Jesus, do your best, be your best, strive for excellence, love others, be kind, don't give up - but don't try to be perfect. You'll exhaust yourself trying to be perfect. If you live everyday trying to be a better person than you were yesterday though, you're doing alright, kid. You are not perfect, but you are LOVED.
I'm about to say something to you that many parents will probably gasp at and think is a horrible thing to say. I'm going to say it anyway though, because you need to know it and you need to understand. You are not perfect. You are many things - you are loved, you are smart, you are funny, you are wonderfully made - but you are not perfect. You are not perfect because you were made by two very imperfect people. You are not perfect because it's impossible to live in this world, full of sin, and be perfect. Only one person was ever perfect and considering you weren't born of a virgin and you aren't walking on water anytime soon - you aren't Him.
Let me explain to you why I feel you need to know that I don't think you are perfect. Too many times in life, this cute little picture is painted of the "perfect parent" loving their "perfect children" and everything is just sunshine and rainbows. While I certainly have my moments that I look at you and can't help but feel you are the most perfect thing I've ever laid my eyes on, the alarm goes off and you wake up all cranky telling me how mean I am for making you where pants when it's 50 degrees outside. While I love you immensely, I don't look at you as perfect, because you aren't. Because none of us are. Trying to convince you that you are would be a disservice.
You, sweet children of mine, are flawed. You will make more mistakes in life than you'll ever be able to count. You'll say the wrong thing and do the wrong thing. You'll have moments when you are filled with anger and resentment. You'll make bad decisions and have to suffer the consequences. There may even be times that I'm so upset with you, I won't know exactly what to do. I'll love you through it all though. Through every imperfect moment of your entire lives, I will love you.
Now I'm going to tell you another thing that parents probably aren't really suppose to say to their children. *I* am not perfect. I am flawed beyond measure. I've made more mistakes in my life than I can count. As your parent, I will say the wrong things and do the wrong things. I'll have moments when I am filled with anger and resentment. I'll make bad decisions and have to suffer the consequences. There will be times that you're very upset with me and you'll want to runaway from home and swear that you'll never talk to me again. I'll love you through it all though. Through every imperfect moment of my entire life, I will love you always.
You are not perfect, because I am not perfect. Your Daddy is not perfect. Your friends, your mentors, your teachers and everyone else you encounter are not perfect. Nor should you ever feel the need to try to be "perfect" to any of them. Know Jesus, do your best, be your best, strive for excellence, love others, be kind, don't give up - but don't try to be perfect. You'll exhaust yourself trying to be perfect. If you live everyday trying to be a better person than you were yesterday though, you're doing alright, kid. You are not perfect, but you are LOVED.
Thursday, July 16, 2015
I Don't Want to be Happy
I've seen so much talk lately about "I just want to be happy" or "do what makes you happy" and "I just want my children to grow up to be happy". It makes me sad to think that happiness is the ultimate goal and strive for so many people. Don't get me wrong, I love being happy. I'm happy a lot of the time. Happiness isn't a bad thing. It just seems so shallow and vain to me. It's such a superficial feeling. It's fleeting. Happiness never lasts for long and then we're just on to the next thing trying to find happiness again. There are such greater goals and achievements in life than just being happy. Any ol' schmuck can walk around saying he's "happy". It's the why and the how that are much more important to me.
Do I want my kids to be happy? Of course. But I want them to be "happy" because they feel invested in and truly loved. I want them to feel "happy" because they are doing something with their life that positively impacts the world. I don't want them walking through life seeking happiness and missing out on truly living. Because the fact of the matter is that so many things we do in life WON'T make us happy. Not in the moment. The kids are going to have struggles and obstacles. Their friends are going to be mean and spread rumors. They are going to fail at something and question themselves. They are going to have no idea who they are or where they are going in life. They are going to have to get a job, pay bills, deal with obnoxious co-workers and will probably be fired at some point. All of those things are going to make them very unhappy. I don't want them to go through those moments simply striving to find happiness. What I want them to do is go through those moments and learn valuable lessons. To learn and grow and overcome. I want them to understand love, forgiveness and joy in the midst of those tough times rather than just focusing on how happy they are on a scale of 1 to 10. If they maneuver through everything they'll encounter in life with the mindset of "I just want to be happy", I genuinely believe they will be missing so much! Happiness? It comes and goes. True joy? Acceptance? Love? Those are the things that will last a lifetime and help them overcome so much.
Do I want to be happy? Sure I do. At what cost though? How many people, on a daily basis, avoid certain places, discussions or people because it's difficult? Because it doesn't make them happy? How many people hide behind what is comfortable and convenient because it makes them happy? How often do we stay inside our comfort zones where we feel safe and "happy", and in the process miss out on growth and experiences? "I just want to be happy, so I'm not going to make any sacrifices that might make me unhappy (but would radically change my whole life for the better)". When did that become the norm? I don't say any of that to wag a shameful finger at others, but I say it to myself. I'm so guilty of this. I stay in my "happy place" and get content with being happy rather than pushing myself to be more. To do more. To feel more.
Yes, I like feeling happy, but that shallow feeling is NOT what I long for. I don't want to be happy.. I want to be joyful. I want to know unconditional love. I want peace and kindness to radiate from the core of who I am. The things that bring happiness often times come and go. The things that bring joy and love into my life though..... those are the things that can last a lifetime. Some may feel it's just simply a play on words and "happiness" is no different than "joy", but when you experience the difference for yourself, there is no denying the vast difference. I have found some of the greatest joys of my life in the midst of a situation that most definitely didn't make me happy.
I've even talked to others about how happy I am in life. Even I miss that mark sometimes. I am happy. I really am. I do want people to feel happiness in their life. I want my kids to be happy as often as possible. It's deeper than that though. I'm not just happy. I'm not just superficially rolling through life with a smile on my face because everything is going my way. I'm joyful. I have reasons to smile, to keep going, to do what needs to be done even when things are difficult and trying. Happiness doesn't have anything to do with the former. Joy does. Love does. Faith does. Hope does. Happiness can't do half of what those other things can do.
Do I want my kids to be happy? Of course. But I want them to be "happy" because they feel invested in and truly loved. I want them to feel "happy" because they are doing something with their life that positively impacts the world. I don't want them walking through life seeking happiness and missing out on truly living. Because the fact of the matter is that so many things we do in life WON'T make us happy. Not in the moment. The kids are going to have struggles and obstacles. Their friends are going to be mean and spread rumors. They are going to fail at something and question themselves. They are going to have no idea who they are or where they are going in life. They are going to have to get a job, pay bills, deal with obnoxious co-workers and will probably be fired at some point. All of those things are going to make them very unhappy. I don't want them to go through those moments simply striving to find happiness. What I want them to do is go through those moments and learn valuable lessons. To learn and grow and overcome. I want them to understand love, forgiveness and joy in the midst of those tough times rather than just focusing on how happy they are on a scale of 1 to 10. If they maneuver through everything they'll encounter in life with the mindset of "I just want to be happy", I genuinely believe they will be missing so much! Happiness? It comes and goes. True joy? Acceptance? Love? Those are the things that will last a lifetime and help them overcome so much.
Do I want to be happy? Sure I do. At what cost though? How many people, on a daily basis, avoid certain places, discussions or people because it's difficult? Because it doesn't make them happy? How many people hide behind what is comfortable and convenient because it makes them happy? How often do we stay inside our comfort zones where we feel safe and "happy", and in the process miss out on growth and experiences? "I just want to be happy, so I'm not going to make any sacrifices that might make me unhappy (but would radically change my whole life for the better)". When did that become the norm? I don't say any of that to wag a shameful finger at others, but I say it to myself. I'm so guilty of this. I stay in my "happy place" and get content with being happy rather than pushing myself to be more. To do more. To feel more.
Yes, I like feeling happy, but that shallow feeling is NOT what I long for. I don't want to be happy.. I want to be joyful. I want to know unconditional love. I want peace and kindness to radiate from the core of who I am. The things that bring happiness often times come and go. The things that bring joy and love into my life though..... those are the things that can last a lifetime. Some may feel it's just simply a play on words and "happiness" is no different than "joy", but when you experience the difference for yourself, there is no denying the vast difference. I have found some of the greatest joys of my life in the midst of a situation that most definitely didn't make me happy.
I've even talked to others about how happy I am in life. Even I miss that mark sometimes. I am happy. I really am. I do want people to feel happiness in their life. I want my kids to be happy as often as possible. It's deeper than that though. I'm not just happy. I'm not just superficially rolling through life with a smile on my face because everything is going my way. I'm joyful. I have reasons to smile, to keep going, to do what needs to be done even when things are difficult and trying. Happiness doesn't have anything to do with the former. Joy does. Love does. Faith does. Hope does. Happiness can't do half of what those other things can do.
Monday, June 8, 2015
Out of the Mouths of Babes
Without any prompting, ask your child these questions.
Alyssa - age 9
1. What is something mommy always says to you? "How was your day?"
2. What makes mommy happy? "When everything is clean."
3. What makes mommy sad? "When everything is messy."
4. How does mommy make you laugh? "By farting....."
5. What was mommy like as a child? "I don't know. I don't know you as a child!"
6. How old is mommy? "32"
7. How tall is mommy? "6 feet tall."
8. What is mommy's favorite thing to do? "Clean"
9. What does mommy do when your not here? "Clean"
10. If mommy became famous, what would it be for? "Cleaning"
11. What is mommy good at? "Cleaning"
12. What is mommy not very good at? *shrugs*
13. What is mommy's job? "You don't really have a job."
14. What makes you proud of mommy? "By buying me Eeyore's"
15. What is mommy's favorite food? "Casseroles"
16. What do you and mommy do together? "Eat sushi!"
17. How are you and mommy the same? "We both like cleaning."
18. If Mommy was a cartoon character, who would she be? "The old lady with Tweety bird."
19. How are you and mommy different? "You like doggies, I like donkeys."
20. How do you know mommy loves you? "You tell me every night and day and....."
21. Where is mommy's favorite place to go? "Fleamarkets!"
22. How old was mommy when she had you? "23"
Brayden - Age 7
1. What is something mommy always says to you? "Stop"
2. What makes mommy happy? "Making me happy."
3. What makes mommy sad? "Me being sad"
4. How does mommy make you laugh? "By being funny."
5. What was mommy like as a child? "You were....um....everything had to be perfect!"
6. How old is mommy? "31"
7. How tall is mommy? "6 feet tall"
8. What is mommys favorite thing to do? "Clean-up everything"
9. What does mommy do when your not here? "Watch television or go on Facebook."
10. If mommy became famous, what would it be for? "Being the cleanest person ever."
11. What is mommy good at? "Making food."
12. What is mommy not very good at? "I have no idea"
13. What is mommy's job? "You don't have a job."
14. What makes you proud of mommy? "That you love me."
15. What is mommy's favorite food? "Steak"
16. What do you and mommy do together? "You don't really do anything with me."
17. How are you and mommy the same? "We both like meat!"
18. If Mommy was a cartoon character, who would she be? "That lady from the Tweety show."
19. How are you and mommy different? "You like peas and I don't."
20. How do you know mommy loves you? "You take us out to swim"
21. Where is mommy's favorite place to go? "Goodwill"
22. How old was mommy when she had you? "20"
Gabriel - age 10
1. What is something mommy always says to you? "You're grounded"
2. What makes mommy happy? "Hugs"
3. What makes mommy sad? "Whenever you don't see Daddy for awhile."
4. How does mommy make you laugh? "Whenever you do something funny"
5. What was mommy like as a child? "Young"
6. How old is mommy? "32"
7. How tall is mommy? "6 foot 2 inches"
8. What is mommys favorite thing to do? "Sleep"
9. What does mommy do when your not here? "Sleep"
10. If mommy became famous, what would it be for? "Sleeping"
11. What is mommy good at? "Sleeping"
12. What is mommy not very good at? "Video games"
13. What is mommy's job? "Stay-at-home Mom"
14. What makes you proud of mommy? "Because you're a good mom"
15. What is mommy's favorite food? "Chinese food"
16. What do you and mommy do together? "Watch television"
17. How are you and mommy the same? "We both have brown hair"
18. If Mommy was a cartoon character, who would she be? "SpongeBob Squarepants"
19. How are you and mommy different? "You do not like video games and I love video games"
20. How do you know mommy loves you? "Because you say it a lot"
21. Where is mommy's favorite place to go? "Chinese"
22. How old was mommy when she had you? "22"
Alyssa - age 9
1. What is something mommy always says to you? "How was your day?"
2. What makes mommy happy? "When everything is clean."
3. What makes mommy sad? "When everything is messy."
4. How does mommy make you laugh? "By farting....."
5. What was mommy like as a child? "I don't know. I don't know you as a child!"
6. How old is mommy? "32"
7. How tall is mommy? "6 feet tall."
8. What is mommy's favorite thing to do? "Clean"
9. What does mommy do when your not here? "Clean"
10. If mommy became famous, what would it be for? "Cleaning"
11. What is mommy good at? "Cleaning"
12. What is mommy not very good at? *shrugs*
13. What is mommy's job? "You don't really have a job."
14. What makes you proud of mommy? "By buying me Eeyore's"
15. What is mommy's favorite food? "Casseroles"
16. What do you and mommy do together? "Eat sushi!"
17. How are you and mommy the same? "We both like cleaning."
18. If Mommy was a cartoon character, who would she be? "The old lady with Tweety bird."
19. How are you and mommy different? "You like doggies, I like donkeys."
20. How do you know mommy loves you? "You tell me every night and day and....."
21. Where is mommy's favorite place to go? "Fleamarkets!"
22. How old was mommy when she had you? "23"
Brayden - Age 7
1. What is something mommy always says to you? "Stop"
2. What makes mommy happy? "Making me happy."
3. What makes mommy sad? "Me being sad"
4. How does mommy make you laugh? "By being funny."
5. What was mommy like as a child? "You were....um....everything had to be perfect!"
6. How old is mommy? "31"
7. How tall is mommy? "6 feet tall"
8. What is mommys favorite thing to do? "Clean-up everything"
9. What does mommy do when your not here? "Watch television or go on Facebook."
10. If mommy became famous, what would it be for? "Being the cleanest person ever."
11. What is mommy good at? "Making food."
12. What is mommy not very good at? "I have no idea"
13. What is mommy's job? "You don't have a job."
14. What makes you proud of mommy? "That you love me."
15. What is mommy's favorite food? "Steak"
16. What do you and mommy do together? "You don't really do anything with me."
17. How are you and mommy the same? "We both like meat!"
18. If Mommy was a cartoon character, who would she be? "That lady from the Tweety show."
19. How are you and mommy different? "You like peas and I don't."
20. How do you know mommy loves you? "You take us out to swim"
21. Where is mommy's favorite place to go? "Goodwill"
22. How old was mommy when she had you? "20"
Gabriel - age 10
1. What is something mommy always says to you? "You're grounded"
2. What makes mommy happy? "Hugs"
3. What makes mommy sad? "Whenever you don't see Daddy for awhile."
4. How does mommy make you laugh? "Whenever you do something funny"
5. What was mommy like as a child? "Young"
6. How old is mommy? "32"
7. How tall is mommy? "6 foot 2 inches"
8. What is mommys favorite thing to do? "Sleep"
9. What does mommy do when your not here? "Sleep"
10. If mommy became famous, what would it be for? "Sleeping"
11. What is mommy good at? "Sleeping"
12. What is mommy not very good at? "Video games"
13. What is mommy's job? "Stay-at-home Mom"
14. What makes you proud of mommy? "Because you're a good mom"
15. What is mommy's favorite food? "Chinese food"
16. What do you and mommy do together? "Watch television"
17. How are you and mommy the same? "We both have brown hair"
18. If Mommy was a cartoon character, who would she be? "SpongeBob Squarepants"
19. How are you and mommy different? "You do not like video games and I love video games"
20. How do you know mommy loves you? "Because you say it a lot"
21. Where is mommy's favorite place to go? "Chinese"
22. How old was mommy when she had you? "22"
Friday, April 3, 2015
I'm not nothing
Last night at a meeting I attended, our pastor shared this video with us. Then he asked the question, "What did grace save you from?" I hesitated for a moment. Not because I couldn't think of an answer, but because I had too many to choose from. The one that stuck out in the forefront of my mind though was "a nothing". Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a nothing like me. That's what I truly believed I was for so long. And it's how I lived my life for so long. I was stuck in this state of just existing. Moving through life with no understanding of who I was, let alone who I was in Christ. I wasn't happy, I wasn't sad, I was just..... nothing. I felt invisible the majority of my childhood and young adult life. I didn't have a lot of friends; I struggled with making deep, personal connections with people; I tried my best to be "good", but I was just a dumb kid that always failed miserably. I was a believer in Jesus, but I always felt like there was nothing I could really do and I wasn't worthy of much. That my existence didn't mean anything or have any kind of impact on the world. "Life sucks and then we die."
Don't get me wrong, there were happy moments. I have a wonderful life that I'm so thankful for. My wonderful husband. My fantastic three children. I have a naturally sunny disposition actually, but that didn't translate into how I felt deep down in my soul. At the end of the day when I laid my head down on the pillow, all I felt was.... nothing. Life is so fleeting. Lots of people are married and have kids. Lots of people go with the flow in life. Lots of people lead a happy life. Then we die and the cycle keeps going. For some, that makes them perfectly content. For me, it reaffirmed that I was nothing and my life had no real meaning.
Then all the stuff happened that lead to my near-death experience. I wish I could say I survived and was a new person, but it wasn't that simple. That situation further impacted my theory that I was nothing and my life didn't truly matter. In fact, I believed I was being punished. That lead to three more years of an even deeper feeling of nothingness than in years prior. I put on a good show and wore a mask most of the time of the happy, healthy, stay-at-home mom; but I was dying inside. I was filled to the brim with nothingness.
I wish I could put my finger on that exact moment when I broke, but I can't exactly recall it. I started counseling though and our family got back into church. God slowly started to guide me back onto the path that He always intended me to be on. I was no long filled with nothingness. I was filled with this light and this love that I can't even begin to put into words. It was like walking around in a black and white world, and all of the sudden everything became full of color. All those little broken pieces were put back together.
Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a nothing like me. I once was lost, hopeless, depressed and drowning in my own sea of nihility, but now I'm SAVED. I was blind, but now I see.
Through letting go and allowing God to remind me that I am not nothing, I am not the same person I was. I still struggle sometimes with some mild depression, but it never lasts long because I have a fantastic group of friends and family that are real quick to remind me that I'm far from "nothing". God doesn't make nothing. He creates beauty, wonder and grace. He created me and there's absolutely no way He created me to be nothing. He created me to do something with this life while I'm here. I'm bound and determined to leave a legacy. I will not be nothing. I refuse to be nothing. His grace saved me and I'm eternally grateful.
"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well". - Psalm 139:14
Friday, March 20, 2015
Settle
I often hear people talking about how they don't want to "settle". They want the best and they don't want to have to settle for anything else. Settling is actually a good thing though. Settling, as defined in the dictionary is "to appoint, fix, or resolve definitely and conclusively; agree upon; to place in a desired state or in order; to cause to take up residence." I was doing my weekly devotional with Josh and he shared a tid-bit with me while reading Acts 2 about "settling" our calling in life. Meaning, to conclusively agree upon what we are called to do in our life. Since God is the one that gives us our gifts and callings in life, He is the one I have to settle with. He is the one I have to conclusively agree upon with.
Now, to back track a little, Josh is the children and youth pastor at our church. He is my "boss" so to speak while I've been taking on more duties at church. I'm essentially his assistant. Whatever he needs done, I help make it happen. Lots of clerical, administrative type stuff that I love, love, love doing. It's not just making copies or setting up meetings, it's a piece of this big puzzle that helps make everything work together. Our church has been going through a transition lately that has really had me feeling anxious and frustrated. After reading Acts 2, talking with Josh and him sharing that "settle" ideal - I'm feeling a lot better and I think God has revealed to me why I've been feeling so anxious and frustrated.
In Acts 2 it is shortly after the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus. Peter is telling everyone about Jesus, His teachings, His resurrection and the Holy Spirit. He assures everyone that He most definitely was exactly who He said He was. The people that heard Peter speak and believed what he said were saved. 3,000 people in that one, brief encounter. Then at the end of Acts 2, it describes something we're probably all familiar with:
"They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe at the many wonders and signs performed by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved." - Acts 2:42-47.
The church. They were the church. Because "church" as most people think about it is simply a building. Those walls and the big steeple out front isn't the church anymore than someone's living room. People who believe in God, believe that Jesus died on the cross and rose again, people who want to learn more about God's word and apply it to their lives, people who want to spend their lives serving God and others for His glory, all those people coming together - that is the church. WE are the church. Josh pointed out that this is only days after Jesus' death and resurrection. 60 days or so (don't quote me on that time table. I'm no scholar and can't recall exactly what he said). The point is though, that after only 60 days, there was this complete transformation. Three thousand people came to know Jesus for who He truly was and devoted their lives to Him.
So now back to the "settle" thing and the frustrated feelings I've been having. I really feel like I've been waiting for something amazing to happen and I don't feel like it's happening. I feel like I want to be doing more, participating more and pushing through my barriers. I feel like the opposite is happening. I feel stuck. I feel like people are leaving and moving on, I feel like people are attacking me/us (the church), I feel like all this negativity is surrounding something that should be so awesome! In Acts 1 that I recently studied as well though, Jesus commanded his Apostles to "wait". Just wait. God knows what He's doing. He can transform lives and churches in a matter of days. We're simply in a transition. Look what happened in Acts 2. Three thousand people came to know Jesus that day. We have a big community event coming up where we'll get to interact with thousands and thousands of people and then have an Easter service the next day. We are, without a doubt, going to make Jesus known to THOUSANDS of people in a couple weekends from now. That is exciting stuff! And yes, some people have been leaving and spreading rumors about our church, but we've also had some really great new people come in and some old faces we haven't seen in awhile. I just have to remember to wait and let Him do His thing instead of feeling anxious or frustrated about it.
While I was deep cleaning and organizing the toddler room, I was thinking about that whole "settle" thing. I could almost feel this peace come over me. Settle. Just wait and settle. I know what my calling is. I have for awhile now. I serve. I'm a helper. Whatever needs to get done, I do my best to make it happen. It just comes natural to me to have that mindset. Well, not "natural", but God-given. I know for a fact this is exactly where God wants me to be right now. While I want to move outside my comfort zone and do more, I have to also stop pushing so hard to be Super Woman. I'm doing exactly what God has called me to do and I love it, so why do I frustrate myself by thinking there's more? This is my calling, so I need to just do it. When God has a new calling for me, He'll reveal it. Just because this is my calling right now doesn't mean He won't move me into other opportunities and callings later. God is going to use me, just like He used Peter, to do exactly what He wants me to do. As long as I'm always patient, willing to wait, willing to answer that call and fulfill His plan for my life - there is absolutely no reason for me to feel anything other than peace and joy. And that's exactly where I'm at this morning. I'm settled.
Now, to back track a little, Josh is the children and youth pastor at our church. He is my "boss" so to speak while I've been taking on more duties at church. I'm essentially his assistant. Whatever he needs done, I help make it happen. Lots of clerical, administrative type stuff that I love, love, love doing. It's not just making copies or setting up meetings, it's a piece of this big puzzle that helps make everything work together. Our church has been going through a transition lately that has really had me feeling anxious and frustrated. After reading Acts 2, talking with Josh and him sharing that "settle" ideal - I'm feeling a lot better and I think God has revealed to me why I've been feeling so anxious and frustrated.
In Acts 2 it is shortly after the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus. Peter is telling everyone about Jesus, His teachings, His resurrection and the Holy Spirit. He assures everyone that He most definitely was exactly who He said He was. The people that heard Peter speak and believed what he said were saved. 3,000 people in that one, brief encounter. Then at the end of Acts 2, it describes something we're probably all familiar with:
"They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe at the many wonders and signs performed by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved." - Acts 2:42-47.
The church. They were the church. Because "church" as most people think about it is simply a building. Those walls and the big steeple out front isn't the church anymore than someone's living room. People who believe in God, believe that Jesus died on the cross and rose again, people who want to learn more about God's word and apply it to their lives, people who want to spend their lives serving God and others for His glory, all those people coming together - that is the church. WE are the church. Josh pointed out that this is only days after Jesus' death and resurrection. 60 days or so (don't quote me on that time table. I'm no scholar and can't recall exactly what he said). The point is though, that after only 60 days, there was this complete transformation. Three thousand people came to know Jesus for who He truly was and devoted their lives to Him.
So now back to the "settle" thing and the frustrated feelings I've been having. I really feel like I've been waiting for something amazing to happen and I don't feel like it's happening. I feel like I want to be doing more, participating more and pushing through my barriers. I feel like the opposite is happening. I feel stuck. I feel like people are leaving and moving on, I feel like people are attacking me/us (the church), I feel like all this negativity is surrounding something that should be so awesome! In Acts 1 that I recently studied as well though, Jesus commanded his Apostles to "wait". Just wait. God knows what He's doing. He can transform lives and churches in a matter of days. We're simply in a transition. Look what happened in Acts 2. Three thousand people came to know Jesus that day. We have a big community event coming up where we'll get to interact with thousands and thousands of people and then have an Easter service the next day. We are, without a doubt, going to make Jesus known to THOUSANDS of people in a couple weekends from now. That is exciting stuff! And yes, some people have been leaving and spreading rumors about our church, but we've also had some really great new people come in and some old faces we haven't seen in awhile. I just have to remember to wait and let Him do His thing instead of feeling anxious or frustrated about it.
While I was deep cleaning and organizing the toddler room, I was thinking about that whole "settle" thing. I could almost feel this peace come over me. Settle. Just wait and settle. I know what my calling is. I have for awhile now. I serve. I'm a helper. Whatever needs to get done, I do my best to make it happen. It just comes natural to me to have that mindset. Well, not "natural", but God-given. I know for a fact this is exactly where God wants me to be right now. While I want to move outside my comfort zone and do more, I have to also stop pushing so hard to be Super Woman. I'm doing exactly what God has called me to do and I love it, so why do I frustrate myself by thinking there's more? This is my calling, so I need to just do it. When God has a new calling for me, He'll reveal it. Just because this is my calling right now doesn't mean He won't move me into other opportunities and callings later. God is going to use me, just like He used Peter, to do exactly what He wants me to do. As long as I'm always patient, willing to wait, willing to answer that call and fulfill His plan for my life - there is absolutely no reason for me to feel anything other than peace and joy. And that's exactly where I'm at this morning. I'm settled.
Friday, February 20, 2015
Philippians 4:13
I was talking to a friend yesterday about recognizing how much things change and how much people grow. That it's neat to be able to look back and see where I was in life compared to where I am now. We were speaking specifically of "church stuff" and I mentioned that a year ago, I wasn't sure what my calling was and how quiet and reserved I was. I was looking today though and realized that that wasn't even a year ago! I wrote a blog in late July about starting to take the first steps to get more involved and work towards what I thought God was calling me to do. It's only been 7 months since I decided to step outside my comfort zone and get more involved. It's been some of the happiest months of my life.
It's interesting to look back and be able to relive how nervous and insecure I was. Every single time I've said, "Oh no, I don't think I'd be very good at that." God sends someone into my life to encourage me to try. Someone that gives me support and encouragement to step past what I think I can do and trust in what God knows I can do through Him. Even when I don't excel in something, it loopholes into something great. Sure, I didn't do so great at (insert all kinds of things here), but I met someone in the process who is a wonderful addition to my path in life that I may not have met otherwise. Or after realizing that I'm not good at (insert even more things here) I was able to more clearly understand why I'm better at those other things. There's always a silver lining. There's always that blessing in disguise.
I've found myself so hungry for more. I spent so much of my life and my walk with Christ sitting on the side lines. I never wanted to do this, that or the other because I believed I wasn't enough. I'm not smart enough, strong enough, friendly enough, social enough, talented enough. And maybe I'm not - but God is. So fine, I'm not smart enough? Then I want to read the Bible more and ask more questions so that I can learn. I'm not strong enough? Then I'll learn from my experiences and draw strength instead of wallowing in negativity. I'm not friendly or social enough? Then I'll step outside my comfort zone and force myself into situations where I have no other choice but to be the things I want to be. When I stop relying on what I think I can do and, instead, trust and rely on what God knows I can do through Him - what He created me to be - that's when amazing things happen.
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" - Philippians 4:13
This year I'm continuing to submit. To lean not on my own understanding, to submit to God in all things and allow Him to make my path straight. Because He will. Because He has and He is. If this has been the change I see in only the last 7 months, I can't wait to see where I am in another year from now. Another 5 years from now. I sat stagnant for way too long.
It's interesting to look back and be able to relive how nervous and insecure I was. Every single time I've said, "Oh no, I don't think I'd be very good at that." God sends someone into my life to encourage me to try. Someone that gives me support and encouragement to step past what I think I can do and trust in what God knows I can do through Him. Even when I don't excel in something, it loopholes into something great. Sure, I didn't do so great at (insert all kinds of things here), but I met someone in the process who is a wonderful addition to my path in life that I may not have met otherwise. Or after realizing that I'm not good at (insert even more things here) I was able to more clearly understand why I'm better at those other things. There's always a silver lining. There's always that blessing in disguise.
I've found myself so hungry for more. I spent so much of my life and my walk with Christ sitting on the side lines. I never wanted to do this, that or the other because I believed I wasn't enough. I'm not smart enough, strong enough, friendly enough, social enough, talented enough. And maybe I'm not - but God is. So fine, I'm not smart enough? Then I want to read the Bible more and ask more questions so that I can learn. I'm not strong enough? Then I'll learn from my experiences and draw strength instead of wallowing in negativity. I'm not friendly or social enough? Then I'll step outside my comfort zone and force myself into situations where I have no other choice but to be the things I want to be. When I stop relying on what I think I can do and, instead, trust and rely on what God knows I can do through Him - what He created me to be - that's when amazing things happen.
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" - Philippians 4:13
This year I'm continuing to submit. To lean not on my own understanding, to submit to God in all things and allow Him to make my path straight. Because He will. Because He has and He is. If this has been the change I see in only the last 7 months, I can't wait to see where I am in another year from now. Another 5 years from now. I sat stagnant for way too long.
Saturday, January 10, 2015
Large and In Charge
I'm trying, yet again, to work on my weight. I fail miserably all the stinkin' time. It's such a taboo subject though. People will joke and make fun of "large" people behind their backs, but when it's your friend or your family member, they are typically so nice. They encourage them to be happy and love their curves. I always talk myself out of working out and when I'm feeling down about how I look, my fantastic friends tell me how nice I look and that I should be happy with my body. It just feeds my excuses to give up though. My friends all say I'm fine, so I'll just keep doing what I'm doing. They all tell me I should love my body, so I mine as well just accept what I have and quit being so frustrated that I can't change it.
A good friend recently held me accountable though and said some really rough stuff. It hurt at first, but she was so right. I have NO room to sit around and mope about how bad I feel about my body when I'm the one that put myself in this situation. No one force fed me unhealthy food. No one has me locked up in a room so that I can't exercise. No one is keeping my thyroid medication from me. I'm lazy and then whine when I don't see any results. Ouch. True though. I greatly appreciate her holding me accountable and telling me the truth out of concern for my health.
My other friends are right too though. I should love and accept my body. What I have to stop doing is using that as an excuse not to change. Just because it's this way now doesn't mean it has to stay this way. I associate this weight with "hate". I hate my body so much that I can't find that strength and motivation to put the energy and effort into changing it. I don't even like looking in the mirror or going out in public sometimes. I'm convinced I'll just be this way forever. It's time to flip that perspective though. If I learn to love and accept this body, even at it's current state, I can open my eyes enough to finally see that I love my body so much that I want to take even better care of it. I can hate being this weight without hating my body as a whole. God created the human body to be a beautiful reflection of Him. I have every reason in the world to love this body and take exceptional care of it.
For the year 2015 I chose a word to live my life by. I chose "Submission". I want to submit to God in EVERY aspect of my life. It's already proved to be challenging, but who doesn't love a good challenge? Theodore Roosevelt said, “Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty… I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.” For years, my weight has been an unconquerable challenge. This year though, I submit to God, even in my struggles with weight. I haven't been able to accomplish my goals on my own, so it's time to finally relinquish control and ask for His help in this. It will not be easy. It requires effort, I'll be in pain and it will be difficult. It will be worth it though. I want this for my life. I want this for my spouse and my kids. I want this for my friends who care about me and want me to be healthy. I do this for my friend that held me accountable not because she wanted to tell me what a fatty I am, but because she believes in me enough to know that I can do this. I might fail tomorrow, but the joy is that the next day is a new day and I can start again. If I have to fail and start 100 times this year, I will. I WILL do this.
A good friend recently held me accountable though and said some really rough stuff. It hurt at first, but she was so right. I have NO room to sit around and mope about how bad I feel about my body when I'm the one that put myself in this situation. No one force fed me unhealthy food. No one has me locked up in a room so that I can't exercise. No one is keeping my thyroid medication from me. I'm lazy and then whine when I don't see any results. Ouch. True though. I greatly appreciate her holding me accountable and telling me the truth out of concern for my health.
My other friends are right too though. I should love and accept my body. What I have to stop doing is using that as an excuse not to change. Just because it's this way now doesn't mean it has to stay this way. I associate this weight with "hate". I hate my body so much that I can't find that strength and motivation to put the energy and effort into changing it. I don't even like looking in the mirror or going out in public sometimes. I'm convinced I'll just be this way forever. It's time to flip that perspective though. If I learn to love and accept this body, even at it's current state, I can open my eyes enough to finally see that I love my body so much that I want to take even better care of it. I can hate being this weight without hating my body as a whole. God created the human body to be a beautiful reflection of Him. I have every reason in the world to love this body and take exceptional care of it.
For the year 2015 I chose a word to live my life by. I chose "Submission". I want to submit to God in EVERY aspect of my life. It's already proved to be challenging, but who doesn't love a good challenge? Theodore Roosevelt said, “Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty… I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.” For years, my weight has been an unconquerable challenge. This year though, I submit to God, even in my struggles with weight. I haven't been able to accomplish my goals on my own, so it's time to finally relinquish control and ask for His help in this. It will not be easy. It requires effort, I'll be in pain and it will be difficult. It will be worth it though. I want this for my life. I want this for my spouse and my kids. I want this for my friends who care about me and want me to be healthy. I do this for my friend that held me accountable not because she wanted to tell me what a fatty I am, but because she believes in me enough to know that I can do this. I might fail tomorrow, but the joy is that the next day is a new day and I can start again. If I have to fail and start 100 times this year, I will. I WILL do this.
Thursday, January 1, 2015
A New New Year's Resolution
I'm not so great at New Year's Resolutions. I always seem to make the same cliche' goals. Financial security, freedom from debt, lose weight, etc. I always seem to fail epically every single year. I do great at first, but lose steam and finish out the year dreaming of how I may get it right next year. It's a vicious, never-ending cycle or ups and downs. Small victories and big failures. Why do I torture myself and essentially set myself up for failure?
This year, I'm making no cliche' goals for myself. I'm not gonna vow to do the traditional "lose weight" or "read more". Instead, this year I just simply vow to be the best me I can possibly be. I don't even know if I fully know what that is, but I'm going to allow it to happen. The joy in that is the acceptance that I'm flawed and imperfect - and that's okay. All that means is that there's plenty of room to learn and grow. To change and move forward. It means that I don't have to wait until January 1st every year to decide to do better or do more. It means that if I mess up, which I inevitably will, I can simply brush it off and do better tomorrow.
My goal for the year is to maintain my focus on all the good in my life, to be forever thankful of my blessings and to remember that my struggles are simply life lessons. My goal for the year is to not focus on all the things I'm doing wrong, but instead use those mistakes and failures to motivate me to keep striving for the best me I can be. My goal for the year is to never focus on what I don't have, but to love and be thankful for what I do have. My goal for the year is to never allow myself to be consumed by fear, stress, frustration, guilt, jealousy or any other negative thoughts and feelings. Will those thoughts happen? Of course. My goal is to not get lost in them though - to feel what I feel; pray for guidance, wisdom and forgiveness; and then move on.
Perhaps even these goals are cliche', unreasonable or just down right silly. The thought of it makes my heart smile though. The thought of just being myself and allowing God to work in my life and move through me makes me feel like I can accomplish all kinds of things. Things I've struggled for years to do on my own, I want to stop trying to control and fully trust in God so that He can guide me through them.
Hello, 2015. I'm so ready for you!
This year, I'm making no cliche' goals for myself. I'm not gonna vow to do the traditional "lose weight" or "read more". Instead, this year I just simply vow to be the best me I can possibly be. I don't even know if I fully know what that is, but I'm going to allow it to happen. The joy in that is the acceptance that I'm flawed and imperfect - and that's okay. All that means is that there's plenty of room to learn and grow. To change and move forward. It means that I don't have to wait until January 1st every year to decide to do better or do more. It means that if I mess up, which I inevitably will, I can simply brush it off and do better tomorrow.
My goal for the year is to maintain my focus on all the good in my life, to be forever thankful of my blessings and to remember that my struggles are simply life lessons. My goal for the year is to not focus on all the things I'm doing wrong, but instead use those mistakes and failures to motivate me to keep striving for the best me I can be. My goal for the year is to never focus on what I don't have, but to love and be thankful for what I do have. My goal for the year is to never allow myself to be consumed by fear, stress, frustration, guilt, jealousy or any other negative thoughts and feelings. Will those thoughts happen? Of course. My goal is to not get lost in them though - to feel what I feel; pray for guidance, wisdom and forgiveness; and then move on.
Perhaps even these goals are cliche', unreasonable or just down right silly. The thought of it makes my heart smile though. The thought of just being myself and allowing God to work in my life and move through me makes me feel like I can accomplish all kinds of things. Things I've struggled for years to do on my own, I want to stop trying to control and fully trust in God so that He can guide me through them.
Hello, 2015. I'm so ready for you!
Thursday, November 6, 2014
What's Wrong With Your Kid?
Our eldest son is 10. Gabe is so sweet. He's so funny, silly and eager to get a laugh out of anyone within earshot. To say that he marches to the beat of his own drum is an understatement. He's shy and outgoing at the same time. He's optimistic, but a pessimist within the same breath. He loves to be the center of attention, but is a wallflower too. He's so friendly and helpful, yet other times he won't make eye contact or speak to anyone. He's a walking conundrum and I couldn't be more in love with who he is.
He's had some "quirks" for a very long time. Since birth, almost. Little things that never really added up to anything for me. They were just Gabe. Part of who he is. He's picky and he's stubborn and he likes things just so. Most kids do, so I never paid it much attention. It becomes a battle sometimes though. He barely eats and is practically a vegan because he just hates so many things. It has almost nothing to do with taste and everything to do with texture. He just can't stand the texture of most meats. Clothing is another battle. Jeans are almost always a no go. He hates the way the feel. Any pants/shorts are a battle though. They have to sit just so on his waist. They can't be too tight, but they can't be too loose either. They have to be a certain material. If the button or strings touch him, he doesn't like that. The list goes on and on. I used to think it was just a "quirk" and would force him to do things anyway. It's just a pair of jeans, suck it up, buttercup. It was like torture to him though. I slowly learned that it wasn't just a pair of jeans - not to him. It really was torture. What nails on a chalkboard sounds like to me is what jeans on his legs feels like to him. He just can't stand it.
Over time, as he's gotten older, these little "quirks" have grown into more disruptive things. He can't be in a sitting position without a foot underneath him or his legs pulled into his chest. Not so great when you have to sit in class all day. Thoughts pop into his head that he just can't stop thinking about unless he states them out loud. Even if they don't pertain to anything that's going on, if it's in his head, it simply must come out. He becomes so focused on some things that it becomes an actual obsession. He eats, sleeps and breathes whatever he's focused on. His essays in class are all about this one topic and he spends hours studying and mastering it. Right now, it just so happens to be Minecraft. A game lots of kids enjoy and play, but there's a literal obsession there for Gabe.
There are other key factors that lead into having a discussion with his school counselor, but a discussion did happen. I cried, of course. I thought it was no big deal and I was just going to express my concerns, but having to say out loud to another person that I was worried that something might be "wrong" with my child was gut-wrenching. He's smart and funny and quirky. He's my sweet Gabe. There's nothing "wrong" with him. I hate the idea that anyone will ever view him as anything but a smart, funny guy. So admitting that I had some concerns that something might be wrong was just..... it was unfathomable to me that I'd ever say it. There I was though.
His teacher and counselor were incredibly supportive. We talked about a few things that could be going on and, just to rule it out, decided to assess him for Autism. I filled out an assessment and his teacher filled out an assessment. We didn't come up with exactly the same observations, and that's okay. What she sees during the day and what I see during the day are going to be two different things. When I got that assessment back and it read, "Very Likely" in reference to being within the Autism spectrum, the whole world stopped spinning. Everything went silent, yet my mind was screaming out. I've never experienced such silence yet chaos at the same time. My child; my perfect little angel that drives me insane and makes me laugh all in the same moments; may be Autistic. What. Did. I. Do. Wrong?
That's all I could think. What did I do wrong? What did I do to cause this? Why did I wait so long to get him assessed? Could I have helped him earlier and maybe he'd be okay? Is it too late? Will this affect him negatively for the rest of his life? What are others going to say about him? Will he be judged and immediately pushed aside because of a diagnosis? My mind wouldn't shut off. Thank God for a supportive husband who gave me a hug and whispered, "Gabe is still Gabe" in my ear while I sobbed. In that moment, I stopped freaking out. He was so right. Gabe is still Gabe. This doesn't "mean" anything. All it does is give us a diagnosis that we can work with. A diagnosis that we can take to his school, a therapist and doctors to get the resources and tools necessary to help him. There's still nothing "wrong" with him. He's still smart, funny and marches to the beat of his own drum. Now though, we can help him at least march on step to the beat of that drum (is that a dorky analogy?) We can help him cope with some of his sensitivities. We can give him tools on how to appropriately react to situations that make him uncomfortable. We can retrain his brain to understand that overwhelming sensations or thoughts aren't as overwhelming as he thinks they are.
I find myself excited for the next steps. His doctor concurs with the schools assessment and has referred us on to a developmental center that will assess him more thoroughly to get more specific resources and tools in place for him. Sure, he may be Autistic, but he's incredibly high functioning and will do perfectly fine in life. Gabe keeps asking, "What's that disorder called again? Awesome?" and he just smiles. I don't know if he's trying to comfort me or just be his usual silly self, but I love it every time he says it. I've already had a few of those insensitive people that ask "What's wrong with him?" when he acts certain ways. I think he's on the right track. The next time someone says that, I'll just smile and respond with, "He's awesome."
He's had some "quirks" for a very long time. Since birth, almost. Little things that never really added up to anything for me. They were just Gabe. Part of who he is. He's picky and he's stubborn and he likes things just so. Most kids do, so I never paid it much attention. It becomes a battle sometimes though. He barely eats and is practically a vegan because he just hates so many things. It has almost nothing to do with taste and everything to do with texture. He just can't stand the texture of most meats. Clothing is another battle. Jeans are almost always a no go. He hates the way the feel. Any pants/shorts are a battle though. They have to sit just so on his waist. They can't be too tight, but they can't be too loose either. They have to be a certain material. If the button or strings touch him, he doesn't like that. The list goes on and on. I used to think it was just a "quirk" and would force him to do things anyway. It's just a pair of jeans, suck it up, buttercup. It was like torture to him though. I slowly learned that it wasn't just a pair of jeans - not to him. It really was torture. What nails on a chalkboard sounds like to me is what jeans on his legs feels like to him. He just can't stand it.
Over time, as he's gotten older, these little "quirks" have grown into more disruptive things. He can't be in a sitting position without a foot underneath him or his legs pulled into his chest. Not so great when you have to sit in class all day. Thoughts pop into his head that he just can't stop thinking about unless he states them out loud. Even if they don't pertain to anything that's going on, if it's in his head, it simply must come out. He becomes so focused on some things that it becomes an actual obsession. He eats, sleeps and breathes whatever he's focused on. His essays in class are all about this one topic and he spends hours studying and mastering it. Right now, it just so happens to be Minecraft. A game lots of kids enjoy and play, but there's a literal obsession there for Gabe.
There are other key factors that lead into having a discussion with his school counselor, but a discussion did happen. I cried, of course. I thought it was no big deal and I was just going to express my concerns, but having to say out loud to another person that I was worried that something might be "wrong" with my child was gut-wrenching. He's smart and funny and quirky. He's my sweet Gabe. There's nothing "wrong" with him. I hate the idea that anyone will ever view him as anything but a smart, funny guy. So admitting that I had some concerns that something might be wrong was just..... it was unfathomable to me that I'd ever say it. There I was though.
His teacher and counselor were incredibly supportive. We talked about a few things that could be going on and, just to rule it out, decided to assess him for Autism. I filled out an assessment and his teacher filled out an assessment. We didn't come up with exactly the same observations, and that's okay. What she sees during the day and what I see during the day are going to be two different things. When I got that assessment back and it read, "Very Likely" in reference to being within the Autism spectrum, the whole world stopped spinning. Everything went silent, yet my mind was screaming out. I've never experienced such silence yet chaos at the same time. My child; my perfect little angel that drives me insane and makes me laugh all in the same moments; may be Autistic. What. Did. I. Do. Wrong?
That's all I could think. What did I do wrong? What did I do to cause this? Why did I wait so long to get him assessed? Could I have helped him earlier and maybe he'd be okay? Is it too late? Will this affect him negatively for the rest of his life? What are others going to say about him? Will he be judged and immediately pushed aside because of a diagnosis? My mind wouldn't shut off. Thank God for a supportive husband who gave me a hug and whispered, "Gabe is still Gabe" in my ear while I sobbed. In that moment, I stopped freaking out. He was so right. Gabe is still Gabe. This doesn't "mean" anything. All it does is give us a diagnosis that we can work with. A diagnosis that we can take to his school, a therapist and doctors to get the resources and tools necessary to help him. There's still nothing "wrong" with him. He's still smart, funny and marches to the beat of his own drum. Now though, we can help him at least march on step to the beat of that drum (is that a dorky analogy?) We can help him cope with some of his sensitivities. We can give him tools on how to appropriately react to situations that make him uncomfortable. We can retrain his brain to understand that overwhelming sensations or thoughts aren't as overwhelming as he thinks they are.
I find myself excited for the next steps. His doctor concurs with the schools assessment and has referred us on to a developmental center that will assess him more thoroughly to get more specific resources and tools in place for him. Sure, he may be Autistic, but he's incredibly high functioning and will do perfectly fine in life. Gabe keeps asking, "What's that disorder called again? Awesome?" and he just smiles. I don't know if he's trying to comfort me or just be his usual silly self, but I love it every time he says it. I've already had a few of those insensitive people that ask "What's wrong with him?" when he acts certain ways. I think he's on the right track. The next time someone says that, I'll just smile and respond with, "He's awesome."
Friday, October 17, 2014
Go Tell It On the Mountain
Two months ago, I set a goal for myself. I was going to start working out and, on October 11th, I wanted to do something I had never done before. Climb Pinnacle Mountain. Not only have I never been physically fit enough, but I also have a great fear of heights. I have anxieties about being up on a mountain and not being able to get help if I need it. I freak out at the thought of once I'm up there, I'm up there. There is no quick and easy way back down. You just have to do it.
Sadly, October 11th came and went. The weather was bad and it turned out to be a busy day full of other obligations and family activities. Today though, October 16th the kids were out of school, the weather was gorgeous and there wasn't an excuse in the world not to finally meet my goal.
I started out strong. All three kids and my brother, Ben, were with me. I can't give up if my children are watching, right? Right. It's a very steep and "strenuous" trail up to the summit. I got about a 1/4 up and was a mess. I hurt, my pulse was racing, I was sweating and was psyching myself out. Not in a good way. I sat on a rock and told the kids to keep going. I tried to catch my breath and started to cry. "I'm failing! I can't do this!" I'm sure the other hikers passing by thought I was nuts. I rested for a few minutes though, brushed myself off and kept going. I wasn't winning a marathon, but I was doing it!
At about the halfway point, I stopped for a good breather and a photo op. I was pretty high up. My anxieties were setting in, but I wanted to enjoy the beauty rather than allow myself to freak out at the fact that I was up so high. Pictures were a great distraction. I was still doing it! I was half way up the mountain and I wasn't dead yet!
We headed up a little further and came to a few signs warning us that we were nearing the top. It got steeper and steeper. I had to stop several times to catch my breath and rest. I found myself counting the stones on the path to keep my mind occupied. Other hikers were passing me. Some had already gone up and come back down. I was starting to judge myself and feeling so pathetic. Kids were bounding up and down the trail while I huffed and puffed. People twice my age were jogging, JOGGGING, the trail and barely breaking a sweat. I wondered if they looked at me with the same pathetic judgment that I looked at myself with. I stopped myself though. Everyone else is enjoying themselves and loving the view. I'm the only one thinking such harsh things about myself. "Stop it, Glenna. You're doing this."
We reached a point where there was nowhere to go but up. A sign depicted a small map showing us two different routes. One a little easier than the other. I stupidly misread it and took the more difficult path. It was just boulders to climb instead of an actual path. Boulders. Loose, jiggly, random boulders with no obvious rhyme or reason. No path to make me feel like I was going the right way. No more stones placed like steps for me to focus on. Just random boulders that I had to shimmy my fat butt up. Are you kidding me?
To me, these are the things nightmares are made out of. I trudged on, talking to myself the whole time. "It's just like stairs. It's fine. Nothing is going to happen." Alyssa and Ben had gone so far ahead by this point that we couldn't see them anymore. It was just me, Brayden and Gabe. They were ahead of me cheering me on. Telling me that it was fun, safe and I could do it. God bless those sweet boys. There was a tree about halfway up that I grabbed onto to help pull myself forward and when I went to take another step, I couldn't bring myself to let go of that tree. I looked over my shoulder and could see the Arkansas river. We were really high up now. I looked down behind me and saw the wall of boulders I was climbing up. I could feel my mind starting to go completely fuzzy. Not that I was going to pass out, but that I was going to FREAK out! And freak out, I did. I grabbed the tree with both arms, hugging it like it was a life saver. I started to hyperventilate a little and told the boys to go ahead to the bench. "Momma is freaking out. I just need a minute." I started crying uncontrollably, sobbing, trying to catch my breath. A few more people hiked past giving me that look and I just shook my head at them. I was fully aware of my freak out. I was desperately trying to bring myself back out of it, but I just needed to let myself freak out for a second. I heard Brayden start to come back down towards me and say, "I'm getting scared too, Momma." I looked up to see tears in his eyes while Gabe was standing a little further up telling us we could go back down if we wanted. "No! No, Glenna! You are NOT going to make your kids scared of things just because you are scared of things. We are not quitters! Suck it up and keep going!" So that's what I did. I let go of the tree and grabbed Brayden's hand. I told him that I was just feeling overwhelmed, needed to freak out for a second, but I was good. We got to the top of the seemingly endless boulder wall and sat down for some water. I assured the boys that even though this was scary for me, that I wanted to do it. That none of us were giving up! We're doing this. And I was!
After the big boulder wall of doom was the final ascension to the summit. They were no longer boulders, but just jagged, random rocks. It was the top of the mountain. I'm not sure what I really expected, but it was do or die time. I thought the boulder wall was bad? This was even steeper. The top was literally right there though, so onward and upward! That last little bit took the longest, I think. I'd climb over a couple rocks and have to stop. This went on for 15 or 20 minutes probably. I refused to look around and focused only on the rocks. It wasn't Mount Everest, but it sure seemed like it to me.
I was almost at my point of completely breaking down again when I put my knee up on a beautifully smooth, cool rock and didn't see another rock above that to move too. I. Was. At. The. Top. I MADE IT! I took a deep breath, sat on the rock, looked around and...... I vomited. Sorry, but I did. I was exhausted, I had pushed myself past my physical and mental breaking point and I quite literally had to release the tension. I regained my composure though and took it all in. I was really high up, but I was sitting atop a beautiful, sturdy mountain that wasn't going anywhere. I was safe. I was fine. The boys sat with me for a few minutes and we just stared into the distance. It sucked, it was hard, I thought I wanted to quit, I thought I would fail - but I did it. I was there. I had conquered my Mount Everest!
Monday, September 8, 2014
This Little Light of Mine
It's such a common occurrence for people to struggle with their calling in life. "What do I want to be when I grow up?". Well, I think the same is true in our walk with God. What do I want to be as I grow up in my faith and my relationship with God?
I've been talking with a friend a lot lately about God's purpose and calling for our lives. There are people who are called to go to foreign countries to share the story of Jesus. There are people who are called to sing praise and worship songs in front of a congregation of people. There are people who are called to feed the hungry, or preach the gospel, or to tell their story to the masses..... Thank God for "those" people. I'm not one of "those" people. It's just not my calling in life. Not right now, at least, and that's okay! My calling in life is to be a person that makes it possible for "those" people to follow their calling. My calling in life is to serve others so that they may serve others.
A good friend of mine is constantly reminding me to never feel like the things that I do aren't significant. I always smile, nod and think to myself, "No reminder necessary". I don't at all mean for it to come off conceited, it's just that God has spoken to me quite clearly about my calling in life and how significant it is. Caring for children while their parents hear the word of God, cleaning a room so that it's safe and sanitary for people to use, getting paperwork all set up so that leaders can teach children about God, etc, etc. It may all seem like silly little stuff to some people, but to me - I know it's what needs to happen so that everyone can follow their calling in life. So that anyone and everyone that wants to learn more about God can have that opportunity. It's important and significant to me because it's important and significant to God.
Let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in Heaven. Matthew 5:16
Nothing I do is for me. I'm not printing copies of a lesson plan or playing duck, duck goose with toddlers because I think it's going to get me to Heaven. I don't do it hoping to get a pat on the back. I do it because it's a part of God's plan and purpose. I do it because doing those tasks may free up two seconds of someone else's time who can then use that two seconds to reach someone that may not have otherwise been reached. It's my calling. It's my "good deeds" that I hope and pray glorify the Father. That I know glorify the Father because it's what he has called me to do. And I love it. And I'll keep doing it for as long as I'm needed.
My prayer is that others find their calling too. Serve beside me and help with the behind the scenes stuff or loving on some sweet kiddos. Be the one up front teaching others. Be the hands and feet of God. Sing. Preach. Help others. Fix things. Make things. Be a prayer warrior. God can use us in 1,000,001 different ways. All we have to do is stop, listen and be willing to do what it is He is asking of us.
I've been talking with a friend a lot lately about God's purpose and calling for our lives. There are people who are called to go to foreign countries to share the story of Jesus. There are people who are called to sing praise and worship songs in front of a congregation of people. There are people who are called to feed the hungry, or preach the gospel, or to tell their story to the masses..... Thank God for "those" people. I'm not one of "those" people. It's just not my calling in life. Not right now, at least, and that's okay! My calling in life is to be a person that makes it possible for "those" people to follow their calling. My calling in life is to serve others so that they may serve others.
A good friend of mine is constantly reminding me to never feel like the things that I do aren't significant. I always smile, nod and think to myself, "No reminder necessary". I don't at all mean for it to come off conceited, it's just that God has spoken to me quite clearly about my calling in life and how significant it is. Caring for children while their parents hear the word of God, cleaning a room so that it's safe and sanitary for people to use, getting paperwork all set up so that leaders can teach children about God, etc, etc. It may all seem like silly little stuff to some people, but to me - I know it's what needs to happen so that everyone can follow their calling in life. So that anyone and everyone that wants to learn more about God can have that opportunity. It's important and significant to me because it's important and significant to God.
Let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in Heaven. Matthew 5:16
Nothing I do is for me. I'm not printing copies of a lesson plan or playing duck, duck goose with toddlers because I think it's going to get me to Heaven. I don't do it hoping to get a pat on the back. I do it because it's a part of God's plan and purpose. I do it because doing those tasks may free up two seconds of someone else's time who can then use that two seconds to reach someone that may not have otherwise been reached. It's my calling. It's my "good deeds" that I hope and pray glorify the Father. That I know glorify the Father because it's what he has called me to do. And I love it. And I'll keep doing it for as long as I'm needed.
My prayer is that others find their calling too. Serve beside me and help with the behind the scenes stuff or loving on some sweet kiddos. Be the one up front teaching others. Be the hands and feet of God. Sing. Preach. Help others. Fix things. Make things. Be a prayer warrior. God can use us in 1,000,001 different ways. All we have to do is stop, listen and be willing to do what it is He is asking of us.
Friday, August 15, 2014
Add This To My Resume
I've been hinting for awhile about a "new opportunity" for me at church, but wasn't sure if I was really supposed to talk about it or not, so I tried to stay as mum as possible. Hard to do when you're SO excited and eager to get to work! It was officially announced yesterday though, so I feel like I can finally say something. I've volunteered here and there at church for quite awhile now. I served in the nursery at first, then moved to the toddler room on Sundays. I get to serve next to the sweetest guy I know. We're a great husband and wife team if you ask me. :) Then I started helping out with childcare on Friday nights for a group that meets. Lots of opportunities to love on some really great kids from all walks of life.
Now, I'm very pleased to announce that I am the Volunteer Coordinator! It's just fancy words for getting to help out with some behind the scenes stuff, but I'm excited beyond words. One of the things I'm MOST excited about is that I'll get to start doing some of the "interviews" that we do with new volunteers. I use the term "interview" loosely. I'm not judging anyone to decide if they are right for the job, I'll just simply get to be that person that helps them find where God is calling them to be. To tell them all about the Children's Ministry, how we work, what our goals are, what God commands us to do and where/how they can really plug in. Something I didn't EVER think I would want to do, but knowing that I get to just fills my heart with joy. I'm over the moon excited to help in the Children's Ministry in a completely different way. I will still be serving on Sundays to help take care of, teach and love on those sweet kids. I would never walk away from that "job". I love it too much. I'm just simply adding in this new stuff.
Wish me luck as I travel down this new path. I truly feel completely lead by God to serve in this area and take my new role very seriously. It's not something I want to just do loosey-goosey and hope for the best. I'm giving it my undivided attention. I want to make sure I get everything right, so that all the fantastic people that volunteer on Sundays can do what they do best without having to worry about where their lessons are or if they have enough worksheets. I want new volunteers to come in, feel comfortable and confident about how God is moving through our church, and really understand how He can move through all of us too. Volunteers really are the hands and feet of God. It's time to move!
Now, I'm very pleased to announce that I am the Volunteer Coordinator! It's just fancy words for getting to help out with some behind the scenes stuff, but I'm excited beyond words. One of the things I'm MOST excited about is that I'll get to start doing some of the "interviews" that we do with new volunteers. I use the term "interview" loosely. I'm not judging anyone to decide if they are right for the job, I'll just simply get to be that person that helps them find where God is calling them to be. To tell them all about the Children's Ministry, how we work, what our goals are, what God commands us to do and where/how they can really plug in. Something I didn't EVER think I would want to do, but knowing that I get to just fills my heart with joy. I'm over the moon excited to help in the Children's Ministry in a completely different way. I will still be serving on Sundays to help take care of, teach and love on those sweet kids. I would never walk away from that "job". I love it too much. I'm just simply adding in this new stuff.
Wish me luck as I travel down this new path. I truly feel completely lead by God to serve in this area and take my new role very seriously. It's not something I want to just do loosey-goosey and hope for the best. I'm giving it my undivided attention. I want to make sure I get everything right, so that all the fantastic people that volunteer on Sundays can do what they do best without having to worry about where their lessons are or if they have enough worksheets. I want new volunteers to come in, feel comfortable and confident about how God is moving through our church, and really understand how He can move through all of us too. Volunteers really are the hands and feet of God. It's time to move!
Friday, August 8, 2014
Love What You Do
I was chatting with someone at the gas station this morning (while getting my morning caffeine fix!) and they asked, "So what do you do?" I started to go into auto-pilot and say, "Oh, I'm just a stay-at-home mom", but I stopped myself. I'm not "just" anything. I don't know why I downplay myself sometimes. I think I sometimes feel judged (even if I'm not being judged at all) for not having an actual career or for not being college educated. What do I do? I do a LOT! I do the things I love more than anything on this planet. I serve a mighty God. I serve others whenever possible. I'm a devoted and submissive wife to the best man a girl could ever ask for. I'm a mother to three gorgeous children who are constantly teaching me something new about life and parenthood. "What do I do?" you ask? The list of things that i do is too long, getting longer by the day, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I do what I love and I love what I do.
Sunday, July 27, 2014
Take My Life - Lead Me, Lord
I've been struggling for awhile now trying to figure out what it is that God is calling me to do. I thought maybe something to do with music, but after talking with Kristen (our church's worship leader), I knew that wasn't quite right. My heart just belongs to the children's ministry. Maybe being better about singing and working with the kids on Sundays? Yeah, maybe. That feels a little better. I'm on the right path. I know God's wanting more out of me though.
Then, on Saturday, I had a bit of an epiphany. This was my facebook post from that day:
"While mowing a friends lawn today, I found myself talking to God. Asking Him some questions and hoping for some clarity about some things that are going on in my life. Just simply to enjoy the moment alone to clear my thoughts while I worked. Then it got hotter and hotter, the grass got harder and harder to cut, the mower kept poopin' out - before I knew it my calm, patient conversation with God had turned into a whiney-fest. I was hot, frustrated and wondering why the heck I volunteered to mow on the hottest day we've had in weeks. Am I glutton for punishment?!?! Is God testing me?! What's the deal!!!??!! I quite literally groaned out loud, "Could you at least send me a cool breeze or something?!?!" Not even a minute later, I heard the rumble of a loud engine and looked over to see the neighbor on a riding lawn mower offering to mow everything I hadn't done yet.
OK, God. I hear ya. A big mower that could plow down all that thick grass was definitely better than a cool breeze. I'm thankful for my lesson in remaining patient, humble and remembering that I really don't need to worry too much. To serve where I can and God will take care of the rest. I love those moments when God quite literally answers all of my questions and prayers within the hour. lol — feeling humbled."
He answered my prayers quite specifically. Leaps and bounds above what I was even asking. I just wanted a cool breeze and He sent a riding lawn mower to do the job for me. That's when I knew for certain that I'm being called to serve others, wherever that might be. I have lots of skills, lots of talents and lots of resources to make things happen - just use them! Just go! That was the lesson God was teaching me and guiding me in. Serve others, selflessly and with a humble heart, and let Him take care of the rest. He knows when I'm tired and frustrated, but there's always something bigger going on. I've done some odd things lately that I don't advertise that I know how to do (mostly because I don't actually know how to do them! lol) Yet almost every single day for two weeks, I've been given opportunity after opportunity to help someone out a little. Sometimes it's a simple, mindless little task like mowing and other times it's something more significant.
Then today at church, a sweet friend named Connie stopped to talk to me for a second. She said some of the kindest, most encouraging words anyone has ever said to me. She said she can tell God is calling me to do important things and that I'm already becoming such a wonderful leader without even realizing it. WHAT?! Me? A leader? No, no, no. I don't think so. Very nice of her to say, but I'm no leader. Her words were heavy on my heart though. The exact same heaviness (not in a bad way) I had been feeling for a few weeks. That feeling that I'm being called to do something specific and I must figure out what it is. As much as I don't view myself as a leader, her words stuck with me.
A moment later, good ol' Josh came over to talk. He's the Children's Ministry Leader. Super awesome, enthusiastic guy that does great things with the kids and youth. He asked me if I had a minute to talk. He proceeded to extend a fantastic opportunity to me that will really allow me to get to know more people. To get involved in church at a completely different level. Not only will I get to serve others, but I would get to be part of the process of helping other people serve others! How amazing is that?! And all of this would be in direct relation to serving in the Children's Ministry. My sweet infants, toddlers and preschool-aged kids that I simply adore. I haven't given him an answer yet, but it's a REALLY exciting opportunity that I'm praying about and seriously considering. Although, I think it may be a no brainer what my decision will be.
I've said it before and I'll say it again - I have NEVER more clearly heard God speaking to me and moving in my life as I have since becoming an active member at ThatChurch. (http://thatchurch.com/) I'm so very excited to see what God does with me next. I hear ya, God. I'm listening. Use me!
Then, on Saturday, I had a bit of an epiphany. This was my facebook post from that day:
"While mowing a friends lawn today, I found myself talking to God. Asking Him some questions and hoping for some clarity about some things that are going on in my life. Just simply to enjoy the moment alone to clear my thoughts while I worked. Then it got hotter and hotter, the grass got harder and harder to cut, the mower kept poopin' out - before I knew it my calm, patient conversation with God had turned into a whiney-fest. I was hot, frustrated and wondering why the heck I volunteered to mow on the hottest day we've had in weeks. Am I glutton for punishment?!?! Is God testing me?! What's the deal!!!??!! I quite literally groaned out loud, "Could you at least send me a cool breeze or something?!?!" Not even a minute later, I heard the rumble of a loud engine and looked over to see the neighbor on a riding lawn mower offering to mow everything I hadn't done yet.
OK, God. I hear ya. A big mower that could plow down all that thick grass was definitely better than a cool breeze. I'm thankful for my lesson in remaining patient, humble and remembering that I really don't need to worry too much. To serve where I can and God will take care of the rest. I love those moments when God quite literally answers all of my questions and prayers within the hour. lol — feeling humbled."
He answered my prayers quite specifically. Leaps and bounds above what I was even asking. I just wanted a cool breeze and He sent a riding lawn mower to do the job for me. That's when I knew for certain that I'm being called to serve others, wherever that might be. I have lots of skills, lots of talents and lots of resources to make things happen - just use them! Just go! That was the lesson God was teaching me and guiding me in. Serve others, selflessly and with a humble heart, and let Him take care of the rest. He knows when I'm tired and frustrated, but there's always something bigger going on. I've done some odd things lately that I don't advertise that I know how to do (mostly because I don't actually know how to do them! lol) Yet almost every single day for two weeks, I've been given opportunity after opportunity to help someone out a little. Sometimes it's a simple, mindless little task like mowing and other times it's something more significant.
Then today at church, a sweet friend named Connie stopped to talk to me for a second. She said some of the kindest, most encouraging words anyone has ever said to me. She said she can tell God is calling me to do important things and that I'm already becoming such a wonderful leader without even realizing it. WHAT?! Me? A leader? No, no, no. I don't think so. Very nice of her to say, but I'm no leader. Her words were heavy on my heart though. The exact same heaviness (not in a bad way) I had been feeling for a few weeks. That feeling that I'm being called to do something specific and I must figure out what it is. As much as I don't view myself as a leader, her words stuck with me.
A moment later, good ol' Josh came over to talk. He's the Children's Ministry Leader. Super awesome, enthusiastic guy that does great things with the kids and youth. He asked me if I had a minute to talk. He proceeded to extend a fantastic opportunity to me that will really allow me to get to know more people. To get involved in church at a completely different level. Not only will I get to serve others, but I would get to be part of the process of helping other people serve others! How amazing is that?! And all of this would be in direct relation to serving in the Children's Ministry. My sweet infants, toddlers and preschool-aged kids that I simply adore. I haven't given him an answer yet, but it's a REALLY exciting opportunity that I'm praying about and seriously considering. Although, I think it may be a no brainer what my decision will be.
I've said it before and I'll say it again - I have NEVER more clearly heard God speaking to me and moving in my life as I have since becoming an active member at ThatChurch. (http://thatchurch.com/) I'm so very excited to see what God does with me next. I hear ya, God. I'm listening. Use me!
Monday, February 17, 2014
Happiness Becomes Her
I wish I could put my finger on it. I wish I could explain to others why I'm so happy in my life. Things aren't perfect. Far from it actually. We have financial struggles that we don't discuss with others. We have flaws within our marriage that we quarrel over and constantly work on. I'm not as productive as a stay-at-home mother/wife as I thought I would be. I fail miserably at parenting at least a few times every day. I am an incredibly flawed person with so many things that could really keep me down. I'm happy though. Truly happy. The flaws and imperfections are part of what drive me to do better tomorrow. They are my built-in reminder that there's always something more in my future. If everything was perfectly perfect.... what's left to do in life? Having so much to work on and work towards, to me, is a message that I'm not done yet. That my future is long and bright. I guess some would look at it in the opposite light. The imperfections could be a constant reminder of failure. "Life sucks and then we die." True, I suppose, but it's a lot more entertaining and worthwhile to find the good rather than being consumed by the bad. That's my optimism speaking.
Many people roll their eyes at the notion that God plays a big part in my happiness, but it's true. Others don't have to believe nor understand, but in furthest reaches of my soul, I truly believe that's the root of it all. My religious beliefs have given me the tools necessary to cope with things beyond my control. Life does suck and we will all die at some point, but what you do with everything in between is what matters. I look at my husband and I look at our children and I can't help but think, how can I not be happy? Things don't have to be perfect to be happy. There are a million different blessings hidden inside all of the crap in the world and our lives. I'll miss it if I spend too much time wallowing in the crappy stuff. I have missed it in the past several times. Never again though.
I may not be able to pin-point how or why I seem to get it now. Why I understand the things I understand or view things the way I view them. Maybe it came with age. Maybe it came with being involved in a church family that really encourages and loves me. Perhaps it's just something engrained in me somewhere. I have no idea. All I know is that I'm happy. The good, the bad and the indifferent - I thank God for all of it. I am truly blessed.
Many people roll their eyes at the notion that God plays a big part in my happiness, but it's true. Others don't have to believe nor understand, but in furthest reaches of my soul, I truly believe that's the root of it all. My religious beliefs have given me the tools necessary to cope with things beyond my control. Life does suck and we will all die at some point, but what you do with everything in between is what matters. I look at my husband and I look at our children and I can't help but think, how can I not be happy? Things don't have to be perfect to be happy. There are a million different blessings hidden inside all of the crap in the world and our lives. I'll miss it if I spend too much time wallowing in the crappy stuff. I have missed it in the past several times. Never again though.
I may not be able to pin-point how or why I seem to get it now. Why I understand the things I understand or view things the way I view them. Maybe it came with age. Maybe it came with being involved in a church family that really encourages and loves me. Perhaps it's just something engrained in me somewhere. I have no idea. All I know is that I'm happy. The good, the bad and the indifferent - I thank God for all of it. I am truly blessed.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Epiphanies at the Gym
I had
a bit of an epiphany today at the gym. I've still been going every
morning (I think it's finally 'habit' and not so much a chore), but I
still constantly judge myself harshly. "She's thinner than me." "He
can do more laps than me." "She can keep a faster pace than me" "I'll
never meet my goals like they have met theirs". I would still find
myself looking at other people and comparing myself to them. I want her legs and I want my butt to look like that and dear Lord please let me be that skinny someday.
But TODAY I went to the gym and didn't wish for someone else's body or to reach someone else's goal. I found myself accepting that THIS is my body and it will look how it looks - and that's okay. I may never be a size 2 like the girl on the treadmill every morning - and that's okay. That's her body and this is my body. My body will never be like someone else's.
While I still have insecurities about my body and being at the gym, I find myself being a little less harsh and a lot more reasonable every single day. I WILL get there. It takes time, but it will happen. Those people are at the gym to maintain the body they have and I am at the gym to get back to the body I want. Both PERFECTLY okay. Maybe it's a realization everyone else has already firmly grasped, but it was a BIG deal for me.
But TODAY I went to the gym and didn't wish for someone else's body or to reach someone else's goal. I found myself accepting that THIS is my body and it will look how it looks - and that's okay. I may never be a size 2 like the girl on the treadmill every morning - and that's okay. That's her body and this is my body. My body will never be like someone else's.
While I still have insecurities about my body and being at the gym, I find myself being a little less harsh and a lot more reasonable every single day. I WILL get there. It takes time, but it will happen. Those people are at the gym to maintain the body they have and I am at the gym to get back to the body I want. Both PERFECTLY okay. Maybe it's a realization everyone else has already firmly grasped, but it was a BIG deal for me.
Thursday, December 26, 2013
True Christmas Blessings
People often mention that I come off a little scrooge-ish when it comes to the holidays. I don't like to decorate, I hate all the clutter associated with the holidays and I hate spending money on things that just aren't necessary. Sure some of the holiday stuff is really cute and I'd like to have it if I had disposable income coming out of my you-know-what, but I just can't justify it. Not only that, but I just don't find joy in it. Some people do, and that's fantastic, but it's just not my thing.
I find too often that during the holiday season people get borderline obsessed with "things". That perfect gift, that certain wrapping paper, the tree looking just so. I see people trample over one another to grab the hottest electronic of the season and I see families fight because a child knocked over a fancy Christmas vase or wouldn't stop touching the expensive ornaments on the tree. It's all just stuff, yet people are willing to cause people physical harm over it. Why? It's just stuff. People constantly boast about "the true meaning of Christmas", but very few actually live it. There is a balance where you can do both, I've seen it with my own eyes, but very few people pull it off.
I know for a fact I wouldn't be able to pull it off, hence the reason I don't participate much at all. I don't want the "stuff" to consume our lives. I don't want to build sheds or cram our attic full of "stuff" just to store decorations that get used one month out of the year. I don't want to panic every time the kids get too close to the tree because they might break something. I don't want to stress that I didn't get something someone really wanted for Christmas when we already are blessed with so much. It's too easy to be consumed by materialistic things. It seems like the holiday season just embodies that for so many people.
So my goal is to raise our children to have an understanding of the true meaning of Christmas. For us, that means the birth of Jesus Christ. It means looking back on the year and remembering all the blessings we had. It means ending the year together with plans and dreams for the future. Yes, it also means a few gifts and other common holiday traditions, but I want that to be the added bonus, not the root of it all.
So call me a Scrooge if you must. It's far from what I'm attempting to do though. If anything, in the story of Scrooge, I'd say I'm more like Bob Cratchit. Just a mild-mannered person dedicated to my family that wants everyone to be happy, healthy and loved. Everything else is just a bonus.
I find too often that during the holiday season people get borderline obsessed with "things". That perfect gift, that certain wrapping paper, the tree looking just so. I see people trample over one another to grab the hottest electronic of the season and I see families fight because a child knocked over a fancy Christmas vase or wouldn't stop touching the expensive ornaments on the tree. It's all just stuff, yet people are willing to cause people physical harm over it. Why? It's just stuff. People constantly boast about "the true meaning of Christmas", but very few actually live it. There is a balance where you can do both, I've seen it with my own eyes, but very few people pull it off.
I know for a fact I wouldn't be able to pull it off, hence the reason I don't participate much at all. I don't want the "stuff" to consume our lives. I don't want to build sheds or cram our attic full of "stuff" just to store decorations that get used one month out of the year. I don't want to panic every time the kids get too close to the tree because they might break something. I don't want to stress that I didn't get something someone really wanted for Christmas when we already are blessed with so much. It's too easy to be consumed by materialistic things. It seems like the holiday season just embodies that for so many people.
So my goal is to raise our children to have an understanding of the true meaning of Christmas. For us, that means the birth of Jesus Christ. It means looking back on the year and remembering all the blessings we had. It means ending the year together with plans and dreams for the future. Yes, it also means a few gifts and other common holiday traditions, but I want that to be the added bonus, not the root of it all.
So call me a Scrooge if you must. It's far from what I'm attempting to do though. If anything, in the story of Scrooge, I'd say I'm more like Bob Cratchit. Just a mild-mannered person dedicated to my family that wants everyone to be happy, healthy and loved. Everything else is just a bonus.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)