Happiness Becomes Her

I wish I could put my finger on it.  I wish I could explain to others why I'm so happy in my life.  Things aren't perfect.  Far from it actually.  We have financial struggles that we don't discuss with others.  We have flaws within our marriage that we quarrel over and constantly work on.  I'm not as productive as a stay-at-home mother/wife as I thought I would be.  I fail miserably at parenting at least a few times every day.  I am an incredibly flawed person with so many things that could really keep me down.  I'm happy though.  Truly happy.  The flaws and imperfections are part of what drive me to do better tomorrow.  They are my built-in reminder that there's always something more in my future.  If everything was perfectly perfect.... what's left to do in life?  Having so much to work on and work towards, to me, is a message that I'm not done yet.  That my future is long and bright.  I guess some would look at it in the opposite light.  The imperfections could be a constant reminder of failure.  "Life sucks and then we die."  True, I suppose, but it's a lot more entertaining and worthwhile to find the good rather than being consumed by the bad.  That's my optimism speaking. 

Many people roll their eyes at the notion that God plays a big part in my happiness, but it's true.  Others don't have to believe nor understand, but in furthest reaches of my soul, I truly believe that's the root of it all.  My religious beliefs have given me the tools necessary to cope with things beyond my control.  Life does suck and we will all die at some point, but what you do with everything in between is what matters.  I look at my husband and I look at our children and I can't help but think, how can I not be happy?  Things don't have to be perfect to be happy.  There are a million different blessings hidden inside all of the crap in the world and our lives.  I'll miss it if I spend too much time wallowing in the crappy stuff.  I have missed it in the past several times.  Never again though.

I may not be able to pin-point how or why I seem to get it now.  Why I understand the things I understand or view things the way I view them.  Maybe it came with age.  Maybe it came with being involved in a church family that really encourages and loves me.  Perhaps it's just something engrained in me somewhere.  I have no idea.  All I know is that I'm happy.  The good, the bad and the indifferent - I thank God for all of it.  I am truly blessed.

Epiphanies at the Gym

I had a bit of an epiphany today at the gym. I've still been going every morning (I think it's finally 'habit' and not so much a chore), but I still constantly judge myself harshly. "She's thinner than me." "He can do more laps than me." "She can keep a faster pace than me" "I'll never meet my goals like they have met theirs". I would still find myself looking at other people and comparing myself to them. I want her legs and I want my butt to look like that and dear Lord please let me be that skinny someday.

But TODAY I went to the gym and didn't wish for someone else's body or to reach someone else's goal. I found myself accepting that THIS is my body and it will look how it looks - and that's okay. I may never be a size 2 like the girl on the treadmill every morning - and that's okay. That's her body and this is my body. My body will never be like someone else's.

While I still have insecurities about my body and being at the gym, I find myself being a little less harsh and a lot more reasonable every single day. I WILL get there. It takes time, but it will happen. Those people are at the gym to maintain the body they have and I am at the gym to get back to the body I want. Both PERFECTLY okay. Maybe it's a realization everyone else has already firmly grasped, but it was a BIG deal for me.