We've been friends for several years and supported each other through some heavy stuff. I was getting very uncomfortable about a certain situation in her life and, instead of talking to her about it, I held my feelings in. She needed support and understanding. It was about her, not me. Telling her how I felt about the situation rather than just listening to her would have hurt her feelings. So I kept it all to myself. The problem was that I kept it in too long. It festered and grew into this frustration and disgust that I couldn't contain anymore. It probably never would have even gotten to that level had I talked to her about it weeks prior. I didn't though. That was the first half of my mistake. The other half is the part where I finally blew up and vented to "the enemy" about the situation. The very last person I should have said anything to, and that's the person that I spilled my guts to. Huge, huge mistake. I knew what I had said would hurt her. I knew that the words I chose were not loving, kind nor constructive. It was a verbal diarrhea rant that she never should have to see/hear. When you "chat" all those words online though, it's inevitable that they'll be seen. And they were. And they hurt. And that sucks.
Despite my best efforts to explain that it wasn't an intentional attack, my countless apologies, and doing whatever I could think of to prove that it was just a moment of weakness on my part that won't happen again..... I don't think our friendship is going to make it. Which, for lack of a better word, sucks. It royally sucks, actually. It sucks because I hurt my dear friend so deeply. It sucks because I'm hurt too, but because I'm the bad guy in all of this, I "deserve" it. Years of friendship; years of telling each other our deepest, darkest secrets; years of trust, support and encouragement; years of dropping whatever I was doing to be there for her at a moment's notice - all of those things are overshadowed by one really screwed up incident. It makes me feel like I'm easily disposed of. I feel abandoned. I feel like nothing I ever did prior to that mistake meant anything. One bad cancels out millions of good. That's a really, really crappy feeling. Maybe it's not supposed to be about me, but always putting my friends' feelings first and completely ignoring my own are what got me into this predicament in the first place. So I'm letting myself feel it.
I have to accept the fact that it's time to let go. I hate to, but I have to. I still want to have so much hope. She'll never forget the pain I caused though. I can't keep beating myself up and trying to fix something that I alone can't fix. We're either in it together or we aren't. At this point, we aren't. The optimistic side of me wants to hold onto that small glimmer of hope that maybe someday soon the tides will change. I just really don't see it happening though. I have to just let it all go and let it be whatever it's going to be. Dear God, I don't want to though. It's like losing a sister. It's like losing a friend-soul-mate. Even when she got on my very last nerve and annoyed the holy hell out of me - she was still my best friend. I don't want to have to say goodbye to that.
